We have been giving appropriately contemplative thought to the recent conclave - the solemn, ritualised contrivance by which the next Pope has been chosen.
We have reached the sagacious conclusion, after several hours of prayer and meditation, that the Catholic Church is not being democratic or dramatic enough. If each prospective Pope was required to perform a psalm and recite from the bible - and maybe juggle - in front of a panel of judges and a live TV audience then the whole thing would be far more de jour than watching and waiting for a frankly rather dull chimney to belch forth some drab smoke. They could make it yet more entertaining if the enkindled stack, when doing it’s conspicuously fuliginous thing, was accompanied by a recording of that “psssshhhhtecough, psssshhhhtecough” puffing noise that Ivor The Engine made when getting up steam... The best candidate would obviously exude that “ego non sciunt quid” possessed by all aspirant glitterati, religious or otherwise. Obviously, should one contestant perform a David Blaine style levitation, or perhaps walk on water, then the others can counter with the latest break dancing steps fresh from da ghetto or duet with Cliff Richard for a spot of cross-denominational appeal. All that’s required will be a few celebrity left footers to act as judges. Alan Shearer, for one - every discerning panel needs a Geordie; Chris Evans effortlessly and incomparably fills the the role of “unfunny ginger tosser”, Bernadette Sands-McKevitt is the voice of belligerent Catholicism (or Fenian cuntery, as some devilish sorts may say), and Cherie Blair is the leftist militant opus dei Cowellist judge. Maybe Sharon Osbourne could be kept handy too, in case there was urgent need for a fire blanket, or a sacrificial victim if the whole thing was hijacked by terrorists... Joking (or am I...) aside, again the Catholic Church has passed up an opportunity for radical reform. Some may well claim that having a Pope from outside Europe is radical enough, but they had little choice when you look at the underlying figures. In the Middle East (where Catholicism started) one percent of the population currently avows adherence to the cause. The very first pontiff, St Peter, was born a Jew in Galilea, and there were a couple of insurgents from Syria who took on the role harking back to the days when Britain was still entirely Briton, wholly pagan and considerably further away from moral bankruptcy than it is now as a consequence. Insignificant numbers for all but the most twisted forms of proportional representation. In Asia, and Africa, 4% and 15% respectively amount to the Catholic minorities. You have to go back to the 2nd century to find the first Berber Pope, Victor I to mark the card on behalf of African incumbency. Europe has been the birthplace of most of ‘em, or to be more specific The Vatican, Rome or Italy have, depending on the exact dates and the relevant relationship between the city states and their circumforaneous neighbour at the time. There was a period in the 14th Century where the French were pre-eminent in the role and another where you had to be sleeping with a Medici banker or Lucrezia Borgia, or both, to be considered. A quarter of all left-hoofers reside in Europe, but the largest majority of Roman Catholics living today - by proportion per capita - can be found in the Americas. South of the Panama Canal it’s all 80% Catholic (and 100% fucked as a result). To have a candidate who was both South American and of Italian parentage made Mario a firm favorite with all numerical nerds and I’d like to thank our sponsor BetFred for putting forward 25-1 for my (brief) consideration. The ill-gotten gains will be invested on ecumenical matters, such interdenominational beer, and maybe some unleavened communion bread, with a filling of char-grilled spiced minced lamb and extra chili sauce… Anyhow, we would have liked to have been able to wish the new boy well, but as he is of Argentinian extraction we are bound by our own laws of common decency not to do so and, rather, thought we should determine his views on two key topics. Firstly, should The Bloated Bastard of La Bombonera be condemned to hell for blasphemy or for being a greasy, filthy, handballing cheat, or for both. And secondly, does he recognise British sovereignty of the Falklands. ? The Bishop of Rome has yet to return our calls demanding answers to either of these pressing matters, but internet research through Argentinian newspaper sites have revealed that in 2012 at a mass to mark the 30th Anniversary of the Falklands war he used the “M” word and claimed that the land was both “usurped” and to be “reclaimed”. Furthermore, in 2009 he blessed families about to depart for the Falklands to visit Argentine war graves with the following words. "Go and kiss this land which is ours, and seems to us far away." Pretty incontrovertable, it has to be said. The twat. Now, there are a number of contributory factors that have combined to visit lasting Greatness upon Britain over the course of its fabrication. Firstly, the printing press and the consequent free-flow free flow of information amongst the stout fellows who populated our verdant sod. Secondly, education; by and large we have the ability to read those seditious pamphlets and proclamations nailed to a hanging traitor. Thirdly, the Protestant Church (not that I subscribe to that one particularly). Finally, the fact that we are an island race and are without doubt highly proficient in acts of extreme violence when riled and defending our property. In a recent referendum 99.8% of Falklanders voted for continued British sovereignty - a level of unanimity of support that the Catholic Church could never dream of. Of the 2841 inhabitants. two people voted against (resident Chilean fisherman by all accounts) and three of the “Bennies’” spoiled their ballot papers. In the Catholic church in Port Stanley there is a plaque commemorating the 18 serving Catholic casualties who helped liberate the islands in 1982. They did not die for their religion, they died for their country and the fighting men of this country will do so again if required. There are fifty or so worshiping Catholics in the entire Falklands archipelago, from whom you will receive a singular welcome. Being British overrides religious conviction. Therefore, Cardinal Bergoglio do not consider accepting any sort of half baked invitation to come to this sceptered isle, or any other domain in her Britannic Majesty’s realm, you are not welcome to kneel and kiss anything at all - not even my big hairy Yorkshire arse. There is also an immediate 200 mile exclusion zone centred on Sevenoaks. If you are fool enough to attempt to enter either of these cherished dominions, we will march on the Vatican, force entry to your inner sanctum, and take a shit in your mitre – let’s see what colour smoke that chucks up when it’s smouldering in your Pontifical aga, eh ? I do not believe it is a coincidence that Pope Francis is an anagram , profane spic, sums it up really. _______________________________________________ Leedslist mailing list Info and options: http://mailman.greennet.org.uk/mailman/listinfo/leedslist To unsubscribe, email [email protected] MARCHING ON TOGETHER
