Laff A Day -- October 31, 1998
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These are tips to be used this Halloween. Actually, it's good
advice for anytime of year.
When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to
see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic
practices in your house move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a
voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately.
It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will
probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you
value your life.*
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also
note that, despite the fact that you are running and the
monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough
to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
device made from deceased companions.
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2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
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I was sitting in the dentist chair, waiting for my exam, when I
happened to look into the room across the hall. From where I
was sitting, I could observe an elderly nun fidgeting in her
chair, while the dentist was apparently preparing his
instruments to do some repair work.
The dental assistant had not arrived yet, and just as I was
about to close my eyes, I heard the dentist exclaim, " Sister,
do you realize what you have in your hand?"
She had managed to un-zip his pants, and her hand was now in
his crotch.
She said, " Yes, Doctor, I know exactly what I am holding, and
let's hope that we don't hurt each other...... "
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How did the tugboat get aids?
It got rear-ended by a ferry.
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TOP FIVE REASONS MULDER AND SCULLY DON'T PIRATE SOFTWARE
1. Software piracy frowned upon even at the highest levels.
2. "Cloning" software is not something Cancer Man had in mind.
3. Pirated software likely to contain virus that will mutate
your computer.
4. Punishment for pirating software: Forced cross-breeding with
Aliens at Area 51.
5. You can't keep software piracy a secret. The truth is out
there at: http://www.nopiracy.com
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