I recently attempted to post the following, but my submission was relegated to some electronic holding cell due to the fact that it exceeded the 10K size limit. I would have thought that as a result of the current global financial meltdown my commentary would have been devalued to well below that 10K limit by now, but apparently the servers at OGD have been overworked lately, recalculating the value of Kenneth's shares in the national bank of Iceland. Accordingly, I hereby submit my own rant divided into two sections, creatively titled parts 1 and 2 respectively.
Orchid Keeper's Rant Part 1 I think we all owe a debt of gratitude to Orchid Keeper for providing us with such a classic example of internet ranting (OGD vol.10, issue 294). For those of us aspiring to reach similar heights of incomprehensibility, OK's recent submission could serve as a blueprint for success. It may be instructive to explore the techniques employed by this obviously accomplished ranter. We can all learn from this masterpiece of the art. The Victims It is always a good idea to start with a statement of sympathy for the victims of some event, a declaration that all but the most cold-hearted will agree with. In ranting circles this is known as 'The Hook'. In Orchid Keeper's rant the victims of the recent hurricanes serve this purpose handily. Nearly any sort of victim will serve this purpose, though it is best to steer away from victims who in the end (at least in the logical minefield you call your mind) may turn out to be the villians of your commentary, like minorities, undocumented immigrants, or senior citizens. A list of possible victims includes (but is not limited to) women, children, babies, fetuses, embryos, gametes, the family, organized religion, heterosexuals and puppies. Ultimately, the victim in most rants turns out to be the writer himself. The Villians Effective internet ranting demands antagonists, the Bad Guys responsible for all that is wrong in this world. Perhaps it is best to begin with government, government of any form, whose ultimate aim is to enslave all patriots and cast its citizens into poverty and despair. Into this conspiracy of evil throw in the media, government's propaganda strongarm. If government and the media don't instill the fear of God into your readers, add the threat posed by some unnamed conspiracy of evil-doers who are even now plotting to deprive us of our natural rights. Orchid Keeper offers as the locus of this conspiracy in the U.S. the state of Illinois, and names Leo Schordje as the ringleader. In truth, this may simply be a case of professional jealousy, since Leo has produced a few notable rants himself. Sometimes it may be necessary to be somewhat vague in defining the villians of your commentary. Ranters in Antarctica, for example, like to define Northerners as their antagonists, which provides nearly unlimited quantities of Bad Guys. (For the thrilling conclusion to this waste of rapidly diminishing resources please see Orchid Keeper's Rant Part 2) _______________________________________________ the OrchidGuide Digest (OGD) orchids@orchidguide.com http://orchidguide.com/mailman/listinfo/orchids_orchidguide.com
