----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, November 20, 2002 8:51
PM
Subject: [ozmidwifery] Ode to a
mammogram
Sorry girls -its not quite midwifery but couldnt
resist
Pinky
In deference to Breast Cancer Month
> > > >
> > > > > ODE TO A
MAMMOGRAM
> > > > > For years
and years they told me,
> > > > > Be
careful of your breasts.
> > > > > Don't
ever squeeze or bruise them.
> > > > > And give
them monthly tests.
> > > > > So I
heeded all their warnings,
> > > > > And
protected them by law.
> > > > > Guarded
them very carefully,
> > > > > And
always wore my bra.
> > > > > After 30
years of astute care,
> > > > > My gyno,
Dr. Pruitt,
> > > > > Said I
should get a Mammogram.
> > > > > "O. K," I
said, "let's do it."
> > > > > "Stand up
here real close" she said,
> > > > > (She got
my boob in line),
> > > > > "And tell
me when it hurts," she said,
> > > > > "Ah yes!
Right there, that's fine."
> > > > > She
stepped upon a pedal,
> > > > > I could
not believe my eyes!
> > > > > A plastic
plate came slamming down,
> > > > > My
hooter's in a vise!
> > > > > My skin
was stretched and mangled,
> > > > > From
underneath my chin.
> > > > > My poor
boob was being squashed,
> > > > > To
Swedish Pancake thin.
> > > > >
Excruciating pain I felt,
> > > > > Within
it's viselike grip.
> > > > > A
prisoner in this vicious thing,
> > > > > My poor
defenseless tit!
> > > > > "Take a
deep breath" she said to me,
> > > > > Who does
she think she's kidding?!?
> > > > > And woozy
I am getting.
> > > > > "There,
that's good," I heard her say,
> > > > > (The room
was slowly swaying.)
> > > > > "Now,
let's have a go at the other one."
> > > > > Have
mercy, I was praying.
> > > > > It
squeezed me from both up and down,
> > > > > It
squeezed me from both sides.
> > > > > I'll bet
SHE'S never had this done,
> > > > > To HER
tender little hide.
> > > > > Next time
that they make me do this,
> > > > > I will
request a blindfold.
> > > > > I have no
wish to see again,
> > > > > My
knockers getting steamrolled.
> > > > > If I had
no problem when I came in,
> > > > > I surely
have one now.
> > > > > If there
had been a cyst in there
> > > > > It would
have gone "kerpow!"
> > > > > This
machine was created by a man,
> > > > > Of this,
I have no doubt.
> > > > > I'd like
to stick his balls in there,
> > > > > And see
how THEY come out.
> > > >
> > > > > MAMMOGRAM
PREP COURSE
> > > > > Never
forget the importance of regular mammograms! Many women
> > > > > are
afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
> > > > > worry. By
taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding
> > > > > the exam
and doing the following practice exercises, you will
> > > > > be
totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do
> > > > > these
simple practice exercises right in your own home.
> > > >
> > > > > EXERCISE
1
> > > > > Open your
refrigerator door and insert one breast between the
> > > > > door and
the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam
> > > > > the door
shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good
> > > > > measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again, in
> > > > > case the
first time wasn't effective enough.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > EXERCISE
2
> > > > > Visit
your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement
> > > > > floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie
> > > > >
comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear
> > > > > tire of
the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until
> > > > > your
breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over
> > > > > and
repeat for the other breast.
> > > >
> > > > > EXERCISE
3
> > > > > Freeze
two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite
> > > > > a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of
> > > > > your
breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
> > > > > Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do
> > > > > it again.
> > > > > You are
now properly prepared.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Just a
thought for all the women out there.
> > > > > MENtal
illness MENstrual cramps - MENtalbreakdown - MENopause
> > > > > Ever
notice how all of women's problems start with men?... and
> > > > > when we
have real trouble, it's HISterectomy. Send this to all
> > > > > of the
women you know and brighten their day!!
>
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