----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, November 20, 2002
8:51 PM
Subject: [ozmidwifery] Ode to a
mammogram
Sorry girls -its not quite midwifery but
couldnt resist
Pinky
In deference to Breast Cancer Month
> > > >
> > > > > ODE
TO A MAMMOGRAM
> > > > > For
years and years they told me,
> > > > > Be
careful of your breasts.
> > > > > Don't
ever squeeze or bruise them.
> > > > > And
give them monthly tests.
> > > > > So I
heeded all their warnings,
> > > > > And
protected them by law.
> > > > >
Guarded them very carefully,
> > > > > And
always wore my bra.
> > > > > After
30 years of astute care,
> > > > > My
gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
> > > > > Said
I should get a Mammogram.
> > > > > "O.
K," I said, "let's do it."
> > > > >
"Stand up here real close" she said,
> > > > > (She
got my boob in line),
> > > > > "And
tell me when it hurts," she said,
> > > > > "Ah
yes! Right there, that's fine."
> > > > > She
stepped upon a pedal,
> > > > > I
could not believe my eyes!
> > > > > A
plastic plate came slamming down,
> > > > > My
hooter's in a vise!
> > > > > My
skin was stretched and mangled,
> > > > > From
underneath my chin.
> > > > > My
poor boob was being squashed,
> > > > > To
Swedish Pancake thin.
> > > > >
Excruciating pain I felt,
> > > > >
Within it's viselike grip.
> > > > > A
prisoner in this vicious thing,
> > > > > My
poor defenseless tit!
> > > > > "Take
a deep breath" she said to me,
> > > > > Who
does she think she's kidding?!?
> > > > > And
woozy I am getting.
> > > > >
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
> > > > > (The
room was slowly swaying.)
> > > > > "Now,
let's have a go at the other one."
> > > > > Have
mercy, I was praying.
> > > > > It
squeezed me from both up and down,
> > > > > It
squeezed me from both sides.
> > > > > I'll
bet SHE'S never had this done,
> > > > > To
HER tender little hide.
> > > > > Next
time that they make me do this,
> > > > > I
will request a blindfold.
> > > > > I
have no wish to see again,
> > > > > My
knockers getting steamrolled.
> > > > > If I
had no problem when I came in,
> > > > > I
surely have one now.
> > > > > If
there had been a cyst in there
> > > > > It
would have gone "kerpow!"
> > > > > This
machine was created by a man,
> > > > > Of
this, I have no doubt.
> > > > > I'd
like to stick his balls in there,
> > > > > And
see how THEY come out.
> > > >
> > > > >
MAMMOGRAM PREP COURSE
> > > > > Never
forget the importance of regular mammograms! Many women
> > > > > are
afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
> > > > >
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding
> > > > > the
exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will
> > > > > be
totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do
> > > > > these
simple practice exercises right in your own home.
> > > >
> > > > >
EXERCISE 1
> > > > > Open
your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the
> > > > > door
and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam
> > > > > the
door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good
> > > > >
measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again, in
> > > > > case
the first time wasn't effective enough.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > >
EXERCISE 2
> > > > > Visit
your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement
> > > > > floor
is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie
> > > > >
comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear
> > > > > tire
of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until
> > > > > your
breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over
> > > > > and
repeat for the other breast.
> > > >
> > > > >
EXERCISE 3
> > > > >
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite
> > > > > a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of
> > > > > your
breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
> > > > > Set
an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do
> > > > > it
again.
> > > > > You
are now properly prepared.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Just
a thought for all the women out there.
> > > > >
MENtal illness MENstrual cramps - MENtalbreakdown - MENopause
> > > > > Ever
notice how all of women's problems start with men?... and
> > > > > when
we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy. Send this to all
> > > > > of
the women you know and brighten their day!!
>
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