[ozmidwifery] Ode to a mammogram

[Pinky McKay]

Sorry girls -its not quite midwifery but couldnt resist Pinky   In deference to Breast Cancer Month > > > > > > > > > ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM > > > > > For years and years they told me, > > > > > Be careful of your breasts. > > > > > Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. > > > > > And give them monthly tests. > > > > > So I heeded all their warnings, > > > > > And protected them by law. > > > > > Guarded them very carefully, > > > > > And always wore my bra. > > > > > After 30 years of astute care, > > > > > My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, > > > > > Said I should get a Mammogram. > > > > > "O. K," I said, "let's do it." > > > > > "Stand up here real close" she said, > > > > > (She got my boob in line), > > > > > "And tell me when it hurts," she said, > > > > > "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." > > > > > She stepped upon a pedal, > > > > > I could not believe my eyes! > > > > > A plastic plate came slamming down, > > > > > My hooter's in a vise! > > > > > My skin was stretched and mangled, > > > > > From underneath my chin. > > > > > My poor boob was being squashed, > > > > > To Swedish Pancake thin. > > > > > Excruciating pain I felt, > > > > > Within it's viselike grip. > > > > > A prisoner in this vicious thing, > > > > > My poor defenseless tit! > > > > > "Take a deep breath" she said to me, > > > > > Who does she think she's kidding?!? > > > > > And woozy I am getting. > > > > > "There, that's good," I heard her say, > > > > > (The room was slowly swaying.) > > > > > "Now, let's have a go at the other one." > > > > > Have mercy, I was praying. > > > > > It squeezed me from both up and down, > > > > > It squeezed me from both sides. > > > > > I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, > > > > > To HER tender little hide. > > > > > Next time that they make me do this, > > > > > I will request a blindfold. > > > > > I have no wish to see again, > > > > > My knockers getting steamrolled. > > > > > If I had no problem when I came in, > > > > > I surely have one now. > > > > > If there had been a cyst in there > > > > > It would have gone "kerpow!" > > > > > This machine was created by a man, > > > > > Of this, I have no doubt. > > > > > I'd like to stick his balls in there, > > > > > And see how THEY come out. > > > > > > > > > MAMMOGRAM PREP COURSE > > > > > Never forget the importance of regular mammograms! Many women > > > > > are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to > > > > > worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding > > > > > the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will > > > > > be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do > > > > > these simple practice exercises right in your own home. > > > > > > > > > EXERCISE 1 > > > > > Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the > > > > > door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam > > > > > the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good > > > > > measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again, in > > > > > case the first time wasn't effective enough. > > > > > > > > > > > > > EXERCISE 2 > > > > > Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement > > > > > floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie > > > > > comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear > > > > > tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until > > > > > your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over > > > > > and repeat for the other breast. > > > > > > > > > EXERCISE 3 > > > > > Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite > > > > > a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of > > > > > your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. > > > > > Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do > > > > > it again. > > > > > You are now properly prepared. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Just a thought for all the women out there. > > > > > MENtal illness MENstrual cramps - MENtalbreakdown - MENopause > > > > > Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?... and > > > > > when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy. Send this to all > > > > > of the women you know and brighten their day!! >  Choose an Internet access plan right for you -- try MSN! Click Here Message protected by MailGuard: e-mail anti-virus and content filtering. http://www.mailguard.com.au/mg