Re: [ozmidwifery] sleep issues

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 14:21:08 -0800

Title: Message
Hi Nikki and Cas - love your suggestions Nikki.
 
I am having memories here Cas - it is sooo hard to be sleep deprived when you have other kids and feel as tho you need to meet everyones needs - living up to the "good mother" ideal.
 
Another consideration is the longer we struggle against what our babies/kids are telling us, the longer the stress seems to go on - often surrender (think, acceptance not submission) simply takes away the stress and baby doesnt sense our urgency so as everyone chills out, things seem to improve naturally.Having said that tho - it's not easy. Also many babies this age wake - consider what is happening for a little one - emotionally - separation anxiety is quite strong here, physically - they are becoming mobile so neurologically they will "practise" their new skills in their sleep -its great for their development butnot much fun for yours. Also teeh are starting to come and they are being introduced to new foods - new stomach /digestive sensations and possible food sensitivity. A great book to read re restless babies/ active children who dont "wind down" easily is Fed Up by Sue Dengate. My boys were all very restless babies and hyper kids , the girls were completely calm. In fact, I often tell people if I had only had my girls I would be a very smug woman - thinking I was a perfect mother. Now they are older we actually joke about the faulty boy gene in our family. It is like a fault line even through the extended family.  I have snce learnt about salicylates (naturally occuring chemicals in some foods as well as additives in processed foods) I can see with my 12 year old how much this affects his ability to wind down even now and how it can affect his behaviour. He is a little sod when he drinks any soft drink, but especially coloured drinks ie fanta and we wont even mention coke. He also srill has difficulty switching off at night so we read bedtime stories - he wouldnt dream of sleeping with me now -should have heard him complain when a friend and I took our youngest boys to stay in a youth hostel and they were in the same ROOM (let alone bed!).
 
Often eliminating these foods from your own diet can have remarkable effects on babies- also taking supplements such as fish oils (eating salmon, tuna is better) and magnesium can have a "flow on" effect. And another tip as well as the tee shirt is to gently play "Music for Dreaming" continuously during the night -use it as a sleep cue while you settle - ie breastfeed to sleep with music then later you can wean to music only. Side car arrangements ar soo good for security without squashing and you can reach out and rock bub as he stirs and may even prevent teh complete awake state.
 
Best wishes,
Pinky    
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 2004 11:12 PM
Subject: Re: [ozmidwifery] sleep issues

Cas, how about reclaiming your bed and helping him to sleep near you as a copromise?
 
You have already said that he is more contented when he sleeps beside you. If the objective is to get as much sleep as possible, perhaps a sidecar arrangement would work best?
 
Place his cost or a single bed, beside your bed, up against the wall. Then push your bed up against that. Remove the bars off one side of the cot so you can reach him easily. This gives you and your husband enough space, while also giving him the closeness that he is craving.
 
I think within our society we are so completely focused on having the baby in another room, we lose sight of the fact that what is most important is what works, rather than what our friends are all doing or what a book tells us is right.
 
Many times I will hear mothers identify what works best, i.e. having the baby in bed, but they will then say in the next breath "but I don't want to get into that habit" or "I don't want to go down that path". What do you think would happen if you did make that choice? Unlikely the baby would still be there when he was 5 years old although if he was and you were all still sleeping, would that bother you? And if so, why? What would be your concerns?
 
Before you can find a solution, you first need to identify your priorities and your concerns/fears. If having the baby in your bed works but it would cause you excessive distress then this may not be the option. As a mum of 4 who chose co sleeping with babies 2,3 and 4, a childbirth educator and a doula, I have to say that any fears about the baby being spoilt or never moving into their own room are unwarranted. My kids have all moved quite comfortably to their own beds at around 3-4 years of age. Exactly the same time that otehr friends who insisted on cots in seprate rooms had children who started to settle better at night.

It doesn't really appear to makea  lot of difference which method you try in terms of getting them to sleep through the night. Several points to remember:
 
1. Some babies just do sleep through night regardless of what their parents do or don't do - it is just luck of the draw
 
2. Some babies need more close connection with their parents for the first 3 years
 
3. It is more important to get sleep than to have good intentions - without sleep you have no ability to carry through the good intentions anyway!
 
4. Most babies tend to settle a lot more once they get beyond 3 years - regardless of what you did in the first 3 years
 
Think about why him being in his own bed is so important to you. Is it because of preconcdeived ideas about what constitutes a good mother? Or what other's expectations of you are? Or having to explain to other people (perhaps not tewlling anyone else is a viable alternative here!)
 
Good luck. Having had my first child who did not sleep through the night until he was four years old and after sharing countless sleepless nights with him, I can completely empathise.
 
Nikki Macfarlane
Director, Childbrith International
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 2004 7:36 PM
Subject: [ozmidwifery] sleep issues

Hi all,
 
I am hoping someone on this list can offer me some advice about sleep. For some time now our baby boy (who is now 10 months old) refuses to go down in the cot. Everytime I lean over the cot, no matter how I do it, he wakes up. I only have to bend over and he wakes up. We've tried settling him with a hand on his back, with massage, with singing, and he just cries and cries sometimes for more than an hour. One night I got him to sleep after a marathon 1.5 hours crying session, never leaving his side, arm through the cot bars killing me and he woke up 15 minutes later. I was exhausted. In the end he ends up in bed with us all night where he sleeps fine but hubby ends up on the floor and I end up not sleeping so great because he thrashes around or wakes up for feeds all hours of the night (and ofcourse cause it is easy to settle him that way and I am exhausted I just end up feeding him to sleep). The other issue with him crying in his cot is that it wakes up his older brother or conversely, the cat goes in there tinkling her bell and scratching at the carpet and wakes the baby up. Argh!
 
I am getting more weary of not getting enough sleep and my hubby is getting weary of not getting to sleep in our bed! I really don't know what else to do but I feel we need to reclaim our bed and get him to sleep in his cot. Any suggestions?
 
Cheers,
 
Cas McCullough
 
 
Cas, Wayne, Liam and Daniel McCullough
 

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