----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, March 18, 2004 8:48
AM
Subject: RE: [ozmidwifery] sleep
issues
Thanks for your reply Nicki. I think this issue is important so I want
to share my response with the group to show that sometimes our ideals can
backfire on us. I am an avid co-sleeping fan and it worked well for us the
first few months. When Dan was born we had his cot in our room and for
the most part he was in bed with us but every night I would put him down in
his own cot initially for his own safety then transfer him to our bed when he
woke up so I could feed him in bed.
The
major problem I had back then was my then 3 year old jumping in bed with us
too. He was too rough (and still is too rough) with Dan so my hubby would drag
Liam back to bed and sleep in his room till he settled while I would stay with
bub. After awhile, Dan started sleeping through the night and we were getting
sleep and all was well with the world until he started teething at 4 months. I
was still able to settle him in his cot at that time. The main reason I wanted
him in the cot (and still do) is safety. He has fallen off our bed countless
times and if we have a barrier up he just climbs over it. Thankfully he is
figuring out how to climb off now but our bedroom floor is still littered with
mattresses and cushions to catch him should he fall off
again.
Someone else suggested to me to put the cot against the bed like you've
suggested but that wasn't going to stop him from falling off the bed. He'd
just work his way around the edge and end up on the floor. So, we put his cot
mattress on our floor and have tried settling him there but he just refuses.
Last night he woke up about four times, I fed him twice, and when we tried to
settle him on the cot mattress on the floor we had a huge fight on our hands
that lasted more than an hour. As soon as I gave up and put and him in bed
with me and hubby got on the floor, he settled within five minutes. We've
tried settling him in our bed and transfering him but it doesn't work. We've
tried giving him a drink of water and it doesn't work. We've tried
breastfeeding him on the floor and it doesn't work. We can't put our mattress
on the floor as our bed is huge and we have nowhere to put it in our house
that would be safe.
Frankly, the benefits of cosleeping are being eaten away by our lack of
sleep and my husband is putting a lot of pressure on me to just put him in his
cot and let him cry it out but I'm totally against that as we did control
crying with Liam and it didn't work and was quite clingy and insecure up until
he was about three. He says it did work but actually what worked for Liam was
giving him a bottle at bed time which I'm not doing with Daniel because I'm
breastfeeding exclusively (apart from solids) so I am the
bottle!
So,
where does that leave us? No sleep, a baby in the bed and a marriage under
pressure because of it! and add to that the jealousy from the Liam because we
can't all fit in the bed. Liam just tries to wake Dan up all the time so it
doesn't work having him in there too. I'm going out of my mind and am pretty
much unable to function at the moment because I am so sleep
deprived.
thanks for your suggestion... I would appreciate any others
too.
Cheers,
Cas.
Cas, Wayne, Liam and Daniel
McCullough
Cas, how about reclaiming your bed and helping
him to sleep near you as a copromise?
You have already said that he is more contented
when he sleeps beside you. If the objective is to get as much sleep as
possible, perhaps a sidecar arrangement would work best?
Place his cost or a single bed, beside your
bed, up against the wall. Then push your bed up against that. Remove the
bars off one side of the cot so you can reach him easily. This gives you and
your husband enough space, while also giving him the closeness that he is
craving.
I think within our society we are so completely
focused on having the baby in another room, we lose sight of the fact that
what is most important is what works, rather than what our friends are all
doing or what a book tells us is right.
Many times I will hear mothers identify what
works best, i.e. having the baby in bed, but they will then say in the next
breath "but I don't want to get into that habit" or "I don't want to go down
that path". What do you think would happen if you did make that choice?
Unlikely the baby would still be there when he was 5 years old although if
he was and you were all still sleeping, would that bother you? And if so,
why? What would be your concerns?
Before you can find a solution, you first need
to identify your priorities and your concerns/fears. If having the baby in
your bed works but it would cause you excessive distress then this may not
be the option. As a mum of 4 who chose co sleeping with babies 2,3 and 4, a
childbirth educator and a doula, I have to say that any fears about the baby
being spoilt or never moving into their own room are unwarranted. My kids
have all moved quite comfortably to their own beds at around 3-4 years of
age. Exactly the same time that otehr friends who insisted on cots in
seprate rooms had children who started to settle better at night.
It
doesn't really appear to makea lot of difference which method you try
in terms of getting them to sleep through the night. Several points to
remember:
1. Some babies just do sleep through night
regardless of what their parents do or don't do - it is just luck of the
draw
2. Some babies need more close connection with
their parents for the first 3 years
3. It is more important to get sleep than to
have good intentions - without sleep you have no ability to carry
through the good intentions anyway!
4. Most babies tend to settle a lot more once
they get beyond 3 years - regardless of what you did in the first 3
years
Think about why him being in his own bed is so
important to you. Is it because of preconcdeived ideas about what
constitutes a good mother? Or what other's expectations of you are? Or
having to explain to other people (perhaps not tewlling anyone else is a
viable alternative here!)
Good luck. Having had my first child who did
not sleep through the night until he was four years old and after sharing
countless sleepless nights with him, I can completely
empathise.
Nikki Macfarlane
Director, Childbrith International
