<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                     and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                   presents

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber...
please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe.
*please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without
being read...for contact info...please see the bottom of this
mailing also.

Welcome back...it has been a few weeks since the last issue
of PHWeekly...the months of April and May have been crazy
for me...I have not had a weekend at home since March 30th...
and I am off on the road again tomorrow.  I am try to catch up
on my schedule...so this issue is a day early.  You'll also find
all the "Dog's Worlds" that you missed and a new addition to
PHWeekly...toons from Ugrin are back!  And PHWeekly will
feature a large selection of them in each issue...to make the
Ugrin program successful though you must support it by
clicking the toons.

Thanks for your patience in sticking by me over the past few
weeks...I'll try to be a little better prepared next time!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Melissa, SunAmy, The
Posens, Marsha, Marina, Ken.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

Who was Tonto looking for in the bank?

The Loan Arranger

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good
companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner
suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed
her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman
asked if it would behave if she took it to church
with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be
a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder,
and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time
getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and
was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off
to church. Just as everyone quieted down, and the sermon
began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's
goddamned cold in here!"  Everyone turned to look at her,
and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!

All the next week, she talked to the parrot, explaining
the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot
understood, so she put him on her shoulder, and went to
church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything
got quiet, and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked
around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
And again the woman ran from the church.

The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to
get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following
solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs
and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your
shoulder."

"That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church, and, sure
enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's
goddamned cold in here!"  Without any hesitation, the woman
grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times, and placed him
back on her shoulder.  The parrot shook his head, ruffled his
feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

They say animal behavior can warn you when an
earthquake is coming. Like the night before the
last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys
and drove to Arizona.

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

To drink or not to drink...that is the question!

Check it out
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

Someone is going to make your product obsolete. Make sure it's you.
-Edwin H Land

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in
close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odour
passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever
experienced.

One lady said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

The "not so bright man" in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not
wearing any."

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

[Since it has been a few weeks since PHWeekly has been
published....I need to catch you up...so here are all the
installments that you have missed!]

"This place is full of fruit." Sam said. "They preserve it
down here for the winter."

"How do you suppose we open the jars?" Asked Shep, a
dalmatian.

"We can't open the jars but we can break them" Answered Sam.

As carefully as they could the began searching for a jar on
a low shelf. Rex found one and using his enormous jaws he
picked up the jar and placed it on the floor. After some
thought he picked it up again, stood on hind legs, and
dropped the jar, shattering the contents on the dusty floor.

The six dogs stood motionless, afraid the farmer had heard
and would soon be down to investigate. They were starving
and wanted eat. But they didn't. Finally, Ralph, the pitbull
edged forward and began to lap up the mess.

--

The rest of the dogs joined in. The jam spread across the
floor would keep them through the night. This was all they
were sure of.

As the next day came, the dogs became more comfortable in
their surroundings. They ate the preserved fruit and began
to talk more freely, as they realized the family couldn't
hear them. The only dog that didn't seem to relax was Rex.

He sat in the corner, by himself and hardly said a word. Sam
knew something was wrong. Rex was normally loud, abrasive,
and head strong, just like Doberman's were supposed to be.
Sam was afraid to ask Rex what was the matter, he cared but
didn't want to hear the answer.

--

The answer to Rex's silence came not in words but in odor.
The five other dogs were all at once hit with an aroma like
they had run into a wall.

"What the Christ? Rex what are doing over there?" Sam asked
while trying to hide his eyes.

Rex remained silent.

"My God, I can't breathe." Porky, the Yorkshire Terrier
added.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Ralph, the Pitbull,
demanded to know.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted
a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines
had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for
his object of adoration.

"Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck will still be
there when I get home."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Greg was telling Sam how his uncle tried to make a new car
for himself..."so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a
Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..."

"Holy Cow," interrupted Sam, "What did he end up with?"

And Greg replied, "Two years in jail."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

If women can have PMS... then men can have ESPN.

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How
devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know
her well enough

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I
had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the
emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and
weight. I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother
leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this
is NOT the Internet."

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

A man was in charge of off loading the grain from the ships at the
harbor. Unfortunately the grain was very moist and did not get
sucked up by vacuum too easily. He approached the foreman for
some advice, and was told:

"If at first you don't suck seed, try a drier grain."

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Some Men Don't Mind Mowing
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

There is this American tourist on a trip around
Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides
to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this
new culture. After he's been walking for a
while someone rushes up behind him and
sticks a gun in his back.

The person says to the tourist, "What are you,
Catholic or Protestant?"

The American thinks to himself "Great -- if I say
I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant.
If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic.
Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave
and says to the guy, "Actually I'm Jewish." This,
he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies, "Gee, I must be
the luckiest Arab in Ireland."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time...

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A Brazilian town celebrating Orgasm Day put an 'orgasm urn'
in its square for people to post messages about their sex
lives.

Esperantina's special day ended with a seminar chaired by
63-year-old prostitute Raimunda Alves, who spoke about her
clients' sexual preferences.

The town was decorated with flowers and signs - one said:
'Orgasm is a gift of God.'

Promoter Arimatea Dantas - a socialist member of the town
council - financed the celebrations.

He told El Comercio newspaper: "We want people to feel free
to talk about their orgasms, and we ultimately hope that they'll
have better sex lives."

He added: "Most women here have never reached the apex during
intercourse - they don't even know the word 'orgasm'."

Mayor Ivaldo Franco said the village has more important issues
to deal with than orgasms. "I can't support something like this.
Our town is very poor and has other priorities," he said.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<A Classic!>

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while
stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big
semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws
his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back
to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing
there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue
your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes
get really big and his face lights up.  He runs back
to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't
believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

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-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     B A C K B O A R D    B O R E D O M      [||||]

Researchers at New York State and Drexel Universities have developed a
method of implanting electrodes in the gray matter of rats that allow
precise direction by remote control to insure repetitive behavior
through a system of rewards.   (USA Today)

We've had that for years.  It's called the NBA.

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A stripper had a parrot that she kept in her bathroom.

Everytime she would undress to take a shower, the parrot would screech, "I
see your ass.... I see your ass!"

Finally, one day she got tired of the parrot's screeching; so she rung his
neck and threw him out the window into the backyard.

As the parrot lay there flopping around, the neighbour threw the evening
dinner chicken off the back porch after ringing its neck.

The parrot raised up, looked over at the chicken and said... "Whose ass did
you see ?"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

When Keli decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself
into it with enthusiasm. Every week she'd check out five or six
instructional books from the library.

After about two months the librarian commented, "Wow! You must
really be getting knowledgeable by now."

"Thanks," Keli said. "How can you tell?"

The librarian explained, "Only two of the books you're checking out
this week have 'For Dummies' in their titles."

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

How do you turn a Stallion into a pig?

You marry him

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Like Mother, Like Son
by Dave Glardon

Okay, so I'm a clown.  Those who know me best are
pretty sure I was dropped on my head at birth.  Maybe
I was.  But if you want to know the real source of my
insanity, you'd have to know my mom.  It's hereditary.

I learned a lot from Mom over the years.  She imparted
a strong sense of values, and taught me to share my
toys, lend a hand, and not to hit girls (or boys who
were a lot bigger than me).

But the most important thing she taught me was not to
take life too seriously.  With Mom, you learned to
expect the unexpected.

I'll never forget the day we were all sitting in the
family room and Dad was watching TV.  Mom sat at the
table with a cigarette in one hand, a firecracker in
the other, and a thoughtful gleam in her eyes. I
should've run.

"Dare me?" she asked with an ornery grin, holding the
fuse next to the glowing cigarette.

"You wouldn't!" I laughed.  Famous last words.

As the fuse hissed and fizzled, she tossed the
firecracker nonchalantly across the room and plugged
her ears.

"Mom!" I gasped in utter disbelief.  Less than a
second later, it went off.  So did Dad.  I never knew
he could move so fast.  Mom and I got a good laugh out
of it.  Dad got a pacemaker.

With Mom around, you never knew what to expect.  Of
course, this is the same woman who, as a young girl,
jumped off the barn roof with an umbrella.  She'd seen
Mary Poppins, and decided flying was the way to go.
Well, it was definitely faster.  She was the first one
to the ground.

Mom grew up in a family of twelve, in the deep woods
of northern Florida.  There were times we'd speculate
about the family tree, but never in her presence.
Okay, I'm kidding.  We knew better.  But the rest of
those stereotypes are pretty much true.

I remember Mom sitting at the dining room table one
night drinking buttermilk, and a small belch escaped.
My sister gasped, but my brother raised the ante.
Within seconds, he and Mom were belching the alphabet
as my sister turned the color of broccoli.

Mom also taught me there are times when you shouldn't
laugh.  Of course, these are usually the times we
laugh the hardest.  One of my favorites was her story
of a small church baptism.

Okay, let's face it, baptism is a sacred event, and
the slightest hint of disorder is an instant ticket to
Hell.  This is the way she was raised.  But no one was
ready for what happened that night.

It was a small country church, where baptism was done
by full immersion.  There was a large pool of water
behind the choir, with a glass front so the entire
congregation could watch.  The person being baptized
sat on a seesaw and was dunked.

On this particular occasion, a rather large woman was
being baptized.  Okay, she was huge.  It took three
men on the other end of the seesaw to lower her slowly
into the pool.

Everything went according to plan until they raised
her back up.  As the water ran down the seesaw, they
lost their grip.  Gravity took over, and the woman
fell back into the water, sending a large wave
crashing over the edge of the pool and onto the choir
singing softly below.  And no one laughed.  Yeah,
right!

Yes, Mom could laugh with the best of them.  And she
taught me at an early age that the best laughter is
that which you direct at yourself. Words to live by.

As we celebrate Mother's Day this weekend, my mind is
full of wonderful memories.  Mom left this world seven
years ago, but her spirit lives in everything I write.
You see, it was Mom who first encouraged me to write.
She would have been proud.

And to the woman who once stood in the yard talking
softly to the neighbor's marijuana plant, warning it
of its impending fate, I once again give thanks.  Yes,
it's possible Mom was a little off balance.  And if
that's true, I just pray to God it really is
hereditary.

 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved

--

Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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