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<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the
home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in
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**Please note...the previous issue was incorrectly numbered
issue #68 when it should have been issue #69.

Take the time to check out a brand new section of my website...
a collection of some of the most unique toons on the net that
update regularly...some of these toons are by up and coming
toonists who will become famous in time...and some are by
those who are a little famous already...the toons change
automatically each time they update them so check back
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html ">Click</a>

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Di Ann, Rubin,
Stan, Marsha, Marina, John.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Nasty greeting cards
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It's Hung like a ....
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The flight was coming into Vancouver when a combination of mechanical errors
and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared
back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and
were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew
got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to
congratulate the pilot on his perseverance under extreme conditions.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how
unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Canadians with the
shit scared out of them!"



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.

"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

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Check it out
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time.
-Benjamin Franklin

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

The dog takes one in the face.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.151 ">Click Here </a>

A compressed File...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.159 ">Click Here </a>


Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one
hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street,
saying to him, "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and
commanded, "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Good
grief man! That's awful stuff!"

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me
while I take a swig."

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Ralph, the Pitbull,
demanded to know.

Finally Rex spoke in a booming voice. "I'm really very
sorry. I have tortured myself for a whole day by keeping it
in but I just couldn't do it anymore. In case you have
forgotten we are dogs and dogs do need to relieve themselves
on a regular basis."

There was long period of silence after that. Only to be
broken when Shep could be heard trying to stifle a laugh.

Sam looked back and asked Shep what was so funny.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

It Can Ruin Your Eyesight
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Toxic Fumes
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No One Will Notice
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Anatomy 101
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The Male Brain
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The Female Brain
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Because You Are My Friend
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Revenge At The Campsite
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Cat With An Attitude
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The Top 7 Things Said by Laboratory Animals

7 "Here he comes - QUICK: hide the cards and chips!"
6 "So I guess it takes 4,972 orgasms to kill a hamster.  And I'm stuck
getting 'Comet' smeared into my eyes.  Thank you, God."
5 "Hey Hey HEY!  What's with the probe, lab boy??  We're testing cosmetics
4 "Keep on palming your Viagra, and next week we can pole-vault out of
3 "I'm taking a dive in the next maze run: that cheese sucks, and I'm
starting to like the electric shock."
2 "Okay - the next time he comes in, everybody just stare at him.  Don't
make a move, don't make a sound, don't DO anything - just stare."
1 "Koko banana like banana more banana for Koko like like rise up against
the oppressor humans banana Koko banana blood run red in the streets Koko
banana like Koko like secret meeting at seven banana banana banana Koko Koko
banana pass it on."

Copyright 2002 by Chris White


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

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Little Johnny arrived at school late and the teacher asked
him why he was late.

Little Johnny replied that it was because of the sign.

When the teacher asked him what sign, Little Johnny replied
that he saw a sign that said "School Ahead, Go Slow", so he

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.


Two city swingers were walking in the country when one of them spotted a bug
walking across the road.

"What kind of bug is that?" he asked his companion.

The companion leaned over and looked at the bug. "It's a Lady bug."

The first man looked at the bug again, then at his friend, and said: "Man,
you sure got good eyes."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Capture the moment... Smelly.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.171 ">Click Here </a>

Can you take the pain...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.173 ">Click Here </a>


A Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes
up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 roubles.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 roubles?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they
are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife that's not worth it."

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

It seems there was an Arabian sheik who wanted to invest some of his
wealth in the United States. So he hired a New York attorney named Harry
Regardway to handle things for him here. It turned out to be a very
successful investment for the sheik, and he decided to remember the
attorney in his will. When the sheik died, his heirs found that he had
left Harry his harem In his will it said, "Give my broads to Regardway,"


CRS Disease
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/amnesia.html ">Click</a>

Useful Key
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Breakfast of Champions
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You Are Such A Buttface
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My Ex and I Fought Over Crossword Puzzles
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/10.htm ">Click</a>

Confused Mouse
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No One Is Perfect
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/9.htm ">Click</a>

Sandra Bullock Before & After The Buffet
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Jennifer Lopez Before & After The Buffet
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Gwyneth Paltrow Before & After The Buffet
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/vero5.htm ">Click</a>


<A Classic!>

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said: "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet. "Let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and
has a good look at his eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet. "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.


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A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."

Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."

She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."

Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."

She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond
your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap
of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love
my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got
married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the
size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Lawyers for Paint...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.177 ">Click Here </a>

The Long lost son.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.181 ">Click Here </a>

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

An elderly grandmother has been jailed after admitting
running a pickpocket ring in Florida.

Ernestine Williams, who's 65, ordered her 80 recruits to
target elderly shoppers and even joined them on jobs.

Some of her 'troops' were arrested, but she escaped
suspicion because she uses a wheelchair.

The pensioner was finally caught by detectives
investigating a string of cases across the state.

Judge Kenneth Marra rejected pleas she was too frail to go
to prison and sentenced her to four years.

He said: "She should not be the only one who escapes a
prison sentence because of her health or age."

The Palm Beach Post reports Williams is a mother of 12 from
Boynton Beach, Florida. She had pleaded guilty to five
charges, including racketeering.

Palm Beach Court heard Williams recruited new pickpockets as
they left drug rehabilitation clinics. Prosecutor, Ann Marie
Smith, said Williams used her alleged disability and
wheelchair to hide from the authorities.

Tom McLaughlin, from the Florida Department of Law Enforcement,
said: "She's an evil person, no doubt about it. She doesn't
care about her family. She doesn't care about anything."

Defence lawyer, Sue Foreman, said Williams has arthritis and
must undergo dialysis three times a week. She told the court:
"To put Ernestine inside prison for any period of time would
be a death sentence."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no
attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an
adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I
hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]    U T A H ' S    B L E A K    F U T A H     [||||]

Hoping the Winter Olympics would erase their stodgy image as a less than
tempting tourist target, Salt Lake City has all but dismembered its
Chamber of Commerce as the town has become even duller than it was
before the arrival of the gold ring crowd.    (LA Times)

They're so desperate, they're even thinking of bringing back Donny and

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red
light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the
same thing."


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Is this stool...
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Keeping in tune...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.191 ">Click Here </a>


Sam and Greg are having this talk. Sam says,
"My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic
and Playboy Magazines for the same reason."

Greg says, "Why?"

Sam says, "Cuz with both magazines, I get to see
places I'll never get to visit."


What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?

Say whatever you want... he's asleep.


Ramblings from a Frazzled Woman: 1st Anniversary Edition
By Kim Burke

We lose socks and coins, which are never to be found again.  We lose notes,
numbers, pens and pencils.  We misplace glasses and keys for days.  Why is
it so easy to find all of the weight we lose?  Does it have a compass?  Why
does it always return on hips and not breasts?

Drinking soda may cause one to gain weight but some of our drinking water
can kill us.

Some things sure seem backwards.

Shouldn't a number two pencil really be the number one pencil?  It seems the
most requested pencil of all teachers should step up to its earned position.
But perhaps my perception is incorrect.

If you think it's butter but it's not, throw it away!

We have 911 to call in case of an emergency.  I believe we should have 711,
just in case we're feeling down and need someone to talk to.  Perhaps 711
can offer information so we won't ever need to use 911.

It would be a nice gesture if 711 offered home service.  They could come and
hold your hand and keep you from having a twit-fit or provoking a terrorist
attack.  It would obviously depend on each person and each specific problem.

Have I mentioned I have a thirteen year-old daughter? The only reason I
bring this up is because, after another year of careful reasoning, I've come
to the conclusion that a lobotomy is in order, though I'm not sure if it
should be for my daughter or for myself.  My energy sources are so drained
that if I were to stick my finger in an electrical outlet, it would just
make me normal again.

I had plans on being a 'cool' mom.  I now hope she never sees me naked
because I do not want to see the look of youthful disgust in her eyes.
Also, If she thinks I'm going to continue to make her bed for her, she's got
another think coming.  I'm so easy to get along with but I'm about to pull
an all out and out twit-fit that will place all rebellious teenagers in the
fetal position again.

Other annoyances include moments when my sciatic nerve goes out.  Oh, some
call it the sciatic nerve.  I call it my psychotic nerve.  Same thing.  When
it goes, I go and pretty soon the whole family is gone.

Which brings me to wonder, if I am made in the image of God does that mean
God is frazzled at times?  Probably not.  I bet God never had a kink in his
hip or felt the need to take a Xanax to ward off an anxiety attack.  But I
suppose the Creator needs to keep it together in order to keep up with all
of us. Can you imagine having over six billion kids to be responsible for?

I only have one and I'm in dire need of 711 now.  Either that or soon I will
strap myself in a fashionable, white straight jacket and hop to the nearest
mental facility.  And I don't want drugs.  Oh no.  If I am to have a
breakdown, everyone is going to hear and experience it.  We're in this
together and if I'm going down, you're going to watch.

Perhaps, afterwards, I will be able to enjoy a good nap.


The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (still
seeking publisher) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short
for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to
involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to:
www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and
daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------
When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message
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None of this material is considered copyright...it is
considered in the public domain. If any material is
copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" 
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a>
and proper credit will  be given. It has been collected from various
sources and submitters names have been included when given.

Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour!
Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a>

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PHWeekly Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright  Paul Croft-2002
All Worldwide rights reserved! PHWeekly is published in small town
Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the
publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the
spirit of humour and nothing else!  If offended by a selection in this
issue...please hit delete!

Some material in PHWeekly is written exclusively for PHWeekly...
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