©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿© and ©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿© presents
<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!---------------------> <-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------> PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com) PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber... please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe. *please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without being read...for contact info...please see the bottom of this mailing also. Interested in an autographed copy of a BRAND NEW book just being published? Kim Burke's book "Incidents and Accidents for Frazzled Women" will be given away to one lucky subscriber personally autographed to YOU....check out: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com Today's issue includes contributions by: Guy, Ishy, Keli, Stan, Rubin, D.A. Funk, Ruth, John, Marsha. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ©¿©-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿© Lets start with a quickie: What is the difference between a woman and a pizza? The pizza usually comes before you eat it! ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Optical illusion No. 3. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.93 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.93 Optical illusion No. 5. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.97 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.97 ©¿©------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------©¿© Today's issue is brought to you by: :-) :) =) 8-) :D ~@:-> $-) :-> `(:-> :-0 :*) >:x= You're Missing out on some great jokes! Subscribe now and see!!! Raine Drops *Adult* Humor Adult Jokes, Stories, Quotes, Commentary, Etc. To subscribe, mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] :-) :) =) 8-) :D ~@:-> $-) :-> `(:-> :-0 :*) >:x= ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Anni came home from school one afternoon evening. She ran to her mom and said: "Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers her mom. "Is that because I'm blonde?" Anni asks. "Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." Her mom says. Next day, Anni girl came home from school and says: "Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers her mom. "Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?" Anni asks. "Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." Her mom says. Next Day, Anni returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mommy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No darling, it's because you're 25." ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿© Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© One rainy evening, John and Wendy emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so they went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As they sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said to Wendy, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy." ©¿©----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------©¿© What has four wheels and flies?? Check it out <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿© "There are two kinds of people: those who say to God: Thy will be done, and those to whom God says: All right, then, have it your way." -C.S. Lewis ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© The Mens room... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.117 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.117 It's Master Bates... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.121 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.121 ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Jeni: "So this really drunk, obnoxious 'Mr. Hands' kept bothering me at the party last weekend." Debi: "What happened?" Jeni: "Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to suck it?" Debi: "Shit; what did you do?" Jeni: "Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you go ahead. You don't have enough to share." ©¿©-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------©¿© A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj Without warning the house over the basement they were hiding in collapsed and debris came tumbling down on top of them. Incredibly enough the dogs never moved during all this. They were so frightened nothing could have moved them. Under the pile of debris, Sam just lay there. Completely awake and unhurt, he lay there almost hoping whatever came next would end this entire ordeal. As the dogs lay under the rubble the silence was loud in their ears. Somehow, they all knew each other was OK but that was all they knew. They had never seen such darkness before, there were no shadows or outlines of anything, just dark. Sam, not knowing what else to do, began hum. Not any song in particular, just began humming in attempt to break the silence. Less than a minute later another dog joined in. To lone hums coming from underneath the pile of broken wood and glass. Before they knew it all six dogs were humming and the random sounds were now a group hum of "Home on the Range." Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Marys On Her Fourth Husband <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/22.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/22.html Dog or Towel <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dt.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dt.html Women Are From Venus <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/venus.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/venus.htm ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing really short shorts. "Say, what's your name, Mister?" she drawled after climbing up into the truck. "It's Snow... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June... June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "I was just imagining what it'd be like having eight inches of Snow in June." ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Put your brand on everyone's desktop...See You Again software gives you the ability to get your logo right up in front of the people you need...bringing them back over and over again to YOUR site! Get a jump on the competition...See You Again! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html ©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿© If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© "Get this." said Sam to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" Greg asked. Sam said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." Greg wondered, "Whoa! But... how???" Sam replied, "Well, it was really late at night and Anni thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!" ©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿© I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. ©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿© Jacques Cartier claimed Canada for France in 1534, but it was not until 1604 that the first colonists settled where? A. Quebec B. Montreal C. Nova Scotia D. Newfoundland --- How much do you think a newborn walrus can weigh? A. 100 pounds B. 140 pounds C. 180 pounds D. 220 pounds <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Flotsam, Jetsam and Lagam are what? C. Floating wreckage or cargo, goods deliberately thrown overboard and goods tied to a buoy for later retrieval. --- Canada has more lakes and inland waters than any other country. What percentage of the world's lakes can be found in Canada? C. More than 50 percent © Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© An elderly couple go camping for the first time in a good long while. There they are, sitting by the cracking fire, and the woman says to her husband, "I think I'll go take off my bra since no one is around." The husband says, "Sure honey, go right ahead." So the old woman disappears into the tent, returning a few moments later she poses in front of the fire. "How do I look?" "Wonderful!" says he. "Took all the wrinkles out of your face." ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© and the Eyes met... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.123 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.123 Too many Boobs... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.199 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.199 ©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿© <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Anni, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Keli. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Anni. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god", shrieks Keli. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?" "No thank goodness" sniffs Anni. "But it was the one just next to it!" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Do you love PHWeekly? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿© Remember the little Dutch boy who held his finger in a hole in the dike until it could be repaired & thus saved the country from inundation? When the grateful citizens pressed him for a speech, it's reported that he said: "Please, not tonight folks, I've had a tough day at the orifice!" ©¿©------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------©¿© Strip BlackJack With Jodi <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjodi.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjodi.html Strip BlackJack With Lynne <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html Strip BlackJack With Regina <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years younger than I am." "Really?" the undertaker said thinking out loud. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?" ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Get your condoms here! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Two good ole boys were on the front porch talkin' about crops, cattle prices and such.. when the hound layin' between them lifted his leg and licked himself where dogs are want to lick themselves. One said "Trey, I sure wish I could do that" The other said, "Well Johnny, I reckon you can, he don't look like a mean dog to me." ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Watch the Booby... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.215 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.215 Catching a tan.... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.22 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.22 ©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿© A Florida woman says airline staff made her hold up a sex toy in front of other passengers when her luggage started vibrating. Renee Koutsouradis, 36, wants at least $15,000 compensation after the alleged incident in Dallas. The St Petersburg Times says staff asked her to get off the Delta Airlines plane after staff noticed the bag. She says she told staff it was a sex toy but that they made her hold it up in full view of passengers. Her lawyer says she should have been taken to a private area. The airline has declined to comment on the lawsuit. According to the St Petersburg Times, her lawsuit alleges three male staff members laughed and made "obnoxious and sexually harassing comments". She's seeking unspecified damages of more than $15,000, accusing Delta of negligence, intentional infliction of emotional distress and gender discrimination. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Anni and Becky were waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. Becky leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." At this Anni leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?" ©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿© [||||] L E A F L A W [||||] A referendum to decriminalize marijuana will appear on Nevada's November ballot. (US News) Giving a whole new meaning to Caesar's "Pot O' Gold" progressive slot payoff. Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© <A Classic!> When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'" ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© HE'S SO CUTE !!! Get your own interactive DeskMate for FREE <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/13.html";>Click Here </a> !! FREE !! DOWNLOAD NOW !! FREE !! Tahni. The world's cutest digital Supermodel! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/14.html "> Click Here </a> ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Arkansas Motorcycle <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.50 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.50 Optical illusion No 1. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.90 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.90 ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Half a million" "Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all that cash?" "I bought a house and a boat. How about your sack?" "Bah... mine was full o' bills" "And what did you do with them?" "Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ." ©¿©---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿© Why did the blonde bring lipstick and mascara to school? She had a make up test ©¿©--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------©¿© ========================= THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI ========================= "DON'T BAIL OUT OF MARRIAGE TOO SOON" Feel like getting a divorce? Forget about it. A new study shows that splitting up won't necessarily make you happier, that you have a better chance of being happy if you stay with your lousy, good-for-nothing spouse. Hey, people change. Situations change. Even body odors change. (Today he smells like sour milk; tomorrow he may smell like fine cheese.) So tear up that divorce petition. Get rid of that divorce lawyer. And send your spouse a box of candy and a note: "Did I say I want a divorce? I meant to say I want a device! Yes, a new remote control. This is all a big misunderstanding, honey. It's my fault, really. I need to work on my pronunciations." The study, conducted primarily at the University of Chicago, identified 645 unhappy spouses in a national database. After five years, 167 were divorced or separated, with about half of them happy. (The ones who got custody of the Lexus.) Of the 478 who stayed married, two-thirds were happy. What does all this mean? It's simple: Living with a pain-in-the-neck is better than trying to chop it off. Anything can happen in five years to improve a marriage: more communication, more commitment, more Viagra. Of course, in some marriages, five years may seem an eternity. Just ask the former wives of Mike Tyson if they'd give him five years. "Five years? Sure, we'd give him five years -- in the slammer! Certainly not with us. As the divorce court judge said, we're done serving our time." For these women and others, living in matrimony was never as joyful as living on alimony. But even the worst marriages can be saved, as the study clearly shows. Of the unhappiest spouses who stuck it out, a staggering 80% were happy five years later, perhaps because they all received free marriage counseling -- almost every day on Oprah. Interviews of the once-unhappy spouses revealed three routes to happiness: ---Marital endurance: As time went by, sources of conflict eased. Household incomes grew, gifts of jewelry arrived, and the nightly headaches disappeared. "Not tonight, honey" turned into "Not just tonight, honey." ---Marital work: Spouses worked hard to save their marriages. Their winning strategies included changing their behavior, improving communication skills, and finding time to wear deodorant. ---Personal change: Spouses discovered ways to be happy despite a mediocre marriage. Some focused on their jobs, others focused on their children, and a few focused on Antonio Banderas. Middle-aged woman: "My husband doesn't find me attractive anymore, but Antonio thinks I'm cute." Friend: "You've spoken to Antonio Banderas???" Woman: "Of course. I speak to Antonio all the time. Every time I visit his website. That's why I bought a computer. I can use my Hotmail account to send Antonio some really hot mail." Friend: "Perhaps you should try Yahoo, because that's exactly what you're turning into." When marriages go sour, divorce may seem like the best answer, at least for those who aren't content with the Internet. But the study seems to indicate otherwise. With the divorce rate soaring in America, perhaps more people should just hang in there and work on their marriages. "Honey, did I say that I'm leaving you? Well, I didn't finish my sentence. I meant to say that I'm leaving you all my credit cards. Buy whatever makes you happy: a diamond ring, a pearl necklace, a poster of Antonio Banderas." ---------------------------------------------------------- (c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved. Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com For a free subscription to his columns, send a blank mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ©¿©----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------©¿© The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Amazinganal.com <a href="http://www2.amazinganal.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=aa&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.amazinganal.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=aa&program=unique Amazinggangbangs.com <a href="http://www2.amazinggangbangs.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ag&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.amazinggangbangs.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=ag&program=unique Analsweeties.com <a href="http://www2.analsweeties.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=as&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.analsweeties.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=as&program=unique Asiantease.com <a href="http://www2.asiantease.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=at&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.asiantease.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=at&program=unique Beaverpalace.com <a href="http://www2.beaverpalace.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bp&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.beaverpalace.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=bp&program=unique For MORE adult sites: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ©¿©--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------©¿© When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on PHWeekly?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> PHWeekly Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright © Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! PHWeekly is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! 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