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<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

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Today's issue includes contributions by: Guy, Ishy, Keli, Stan,
Rubin, D.A. Funk, Ruth, John, Marsha.

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Lets start with a quickie:

What is the difference between a woman and a pizza?

The pizza usually comes before you eat it!

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Optical illusion No. 3.
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Optical illusion No. 5.
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Anni came home from school one afternoon evening. She ran to
her mom and said: "Mommy today at school we learnt how to count.
Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me:
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers her mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" Anni asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." Her mom says.

Next day, Anni girl came home from school and says: "Mommy,
today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went
as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers her mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?" Anni asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." Her mom says.

Next Day, Anni returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we
went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look
at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mommy.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>


One rainy evening, John and Wendy emerged from a
restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in
the car. He insisted he could open the door with a
wire coat hanger, so they went back to the restaurant
to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile
away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts,
he got the door open and we climbed in. As they sat
there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his

With a smug grin, he said to Wendy, "Now if this ever
happens again, I'll have one handy."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"There are two kinds of people: those who say to
God: Thy will be done, and those to whom God says:
All right, then, have it your way."
-C.S. Lewis

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

The Mens room...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.117 ">Click Here </a>

It's Master Bates...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.121 ">Click Here </a>


Jeni: "So this really drunk, obnoxious 'Mr. Hands' kept bothering
me at the party last weekend."

Debi:  "What happened?"

Jeni: "Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and
asked me, "Do you want to suck it?"

Debi:  "Shit; what did you do?"

Jeni: "Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No,
you go ahead. You don't have enough to share."

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

Without warning the house over the basement they
were hiding in collapsed and debris came tumbling
down on top of them. Incredibly enough the dogs
never moved during all this. They were so
frightened nothing could have moved them. Under
the pile of debris, Sam just lay there. Completely
awake and unhurt, he lay there almost hoping whatever
came next would end this entire ordeal.

As the dogs lay under the rubble the silence was loud
in their ears. Somehow, they all knew each other was
OK but that was all they knew. They had never seen
such darkness before, there were no shadows or
outlines of anything, just dark.

Sam, not knowing what else to do, began hum. Not any
song in particular, just began humming in attempt to
break the silence. Less than a minute later another
dog joined in. To lone hums coming from underneath
the pile of broken wood and glass. Before they knew
it all six dogs were humming and the random sounds
were now a group hum of "Home on the Range."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Marys On Her Fourth Husband
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/22.html ">Click</a>

Dog or Towel
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dt.html ">Click</a>

Women Are From Venus
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/venus.htm ">Click</a>


big-rig operator stopped to pick up a
female hitchhiker wearing really short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, Mister?" she drawled
after climbing up into the truck.

"It's Snow... Roy Snow," he answered,
"and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June... June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you
keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"I was just imagining what it'd be like
having eight inches of Snow in June."


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>


"Get this." said Sam to his friends, "Last night,
while I was down at the bar with you guys, a
burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" Greg asked.

Sam said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked
out, and a pair of broken ribs."

Greg wondered, "Whoa! But... how???"

Sam replied, "Well, it was really late at night
and Anni thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and

  -------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

Jacques Cartier claimed Canada for France in 1534, but it was not
until 1604 that the first colonists settled where?

A. Quebec
B. Montreal
C. Nova Scotia
D. Newfoundland


How much do you think a newborn walrus can weigh?

A. 100 pounds
B. 140 pounds
C. 180 pounds
D. 220 pounds

<Answers in Next Issue!>

Last Issue's Answers:

Flotsam, Jetsam and Lagam are what?

C. Floating wreckage or cargo, goods deliberately thrown overboard and
goods tied to a buoy for later retrieval.


Canada has more lakes and inland waters than any other country.
What percentage of the world's lakes can be found in Canada?

C. More than 50 percent

 Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net

An elderly couple go camping for the first time in
a good long while. There they are, sitting by the
cracking fire, and the woman says to her husband,

"I think I'll go take off my bra since no one is around."
The husband says, "Sure honey, go right ahead."

So the old woman disappears into the tent,
returning a few moments later she poses
in front of the fire. "How do I look?"

"Wonderful!" says he. "Took all the
wrinkles out of your face."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

and the Eyes met...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.123 ">Click Here </a>

Too many Boobs...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.199 ">Click Here </a>

---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

Anni, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Keli.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Anni. "He was working
on the engine under the hood of his car when the
lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god", shrieks Keli. "Did it amputate his WHOLE

"No thank goodness" sniffs Anni. "But it was the one
just next to it!"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Remember the little Dutch boy who held his finger in a hole in the dike
until it could be repaired & thus saved the country from inundation?
When the grateful citizens pressed him for a speech, it's reported that
he said: "Please, not tonight folks, I've had a tough day at the


Strip BlackJack With Jodi
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjodi.html ">Click</a>

Strip BlackJack With Lynne
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjlynne.html ">Click</a>

Strip BlackJack With Regina
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html ">Click</a>


Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker
quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

"How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly.

"Two years younger than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said thinking out loud.
"Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"


Get your condoms here!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a>


Two good ole boys were on the front porch talkin' about crops,
cattle prices and such.. when the hound layin' between them
lifted his leg and licked himself where dogs are want to lick

One said "Trey, I sure wish I could do that"

The other said, "Well Johnny, I reckon you can, he don't look
like a mean dog to me."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Watch the Booby...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.215 ">Click Here </a>

Catching a tan....
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.22 ">Click Here </a>

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A Florida woman says airline staff made her hold
up a sex toy in front of other passengers when her
luggage started vibrating.

Renee Koutsouradis, 36, wants at least $15,000
compensation after the alleged incident in Dallas.

The St Petersburg Times says staff asked her to get
off the Delta Airlines plane after staff noticed
the bag.

She says she told staff it was a sex toy but that
they made her hold it up in full view of passengers.

Her lawyer says she should have been taken to a
private area. The airline has declined to comment
on the lawsuit.

According to the St Petersburg Times, her lawsuit
alleges three male staff members laughed and made
"obnoxious and sexually harassing comments".

She's seeking unspecified damages of more than
$15,000, accusing Delta of negligence, intentional
infliction of emotional distress and gender

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Anni and Becky were waiting at a bus stop, when
a bus pulls up and opens the door.

Becky leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this
bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm

At this Anni leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will
it take ME?"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     L E A F    L A W     [||||]

A referendum to decriminalize marijuana will appear on Nevada's November
ballot.    (US News)

Giving a whole new meaning to Caesar's "Pot O' Gold" progressive slot

Copyright  2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

<A Classic!>

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first
trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched
by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch
near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically
about his experience.

"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the
game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose,
can you see?'"


Get your own interactive DeskMate for FREE
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Tahni. The world's cutest digital Supermodel!
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Arkansas Motorcycle
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.50 ">Click Here </a>

Optical illusion No 1.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.90 ">Click Here </a>


Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck and all they get
away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile
they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find
in your sack?"

"Half a million"

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all that cash?"

"I bought a house and a boat. How about your sack?"

"Bah... mine was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."


Why did the blonde bring lipstick and mascara to school?

She had a make up test




Feel like getting a divorce? Forget about it. A new study
shows that splitting up won't necessarily make you happier,
that you have a better chance of being happy if you stay
with your lousy, good-for-nothing spouse.

Hey, people change. Situations change. Even body odors
change. (Today he smells like sour milk; tomorrow he may
smell like fine cheese.)

So tear up that divorce petition. Get rid of that divorce
lawyer. And send your spouse a box of candy and a note: "Did
I say I want a divorce? I meant to say I want a device! Yes,
a new remote control. This is all a big misunderstanding,
honey. It's my fault, really. I need to work on my

The study, conducted primarily at the University of Chicago,
identified 645 unhappy spouses in a national database. After
five years, 167 were divorced or separated, with about half
of them happy. (The ones who got custody of the Lexus.)

Of the 478 who stayed married, two-thirds were happy. What
does all this mean? It's simple: Living with a
pain-in-the-neck is better than trying to chop it off.

Anything can happen in five years to improve a marriage:
more communication, more commitment, more Viagra.

Of course, in some marriages, five years may seem an
eternity. Just ask the former wives of Mike Tyson if they'd
give him five years. "Five years? Sure, we'd give him five
years -- in the slammer! Certainly not with us. As the
divorce court judge said, we're done serving our time."

For these women and others, living in matrimony was never as
joyful as living on alimony.

But even the worst marriages can be saved, as the study
clearly shows. Of the unhappiest spouses who stuck it out, a
staggering 80% were happy five years later, perhaps because
they all received free marriage counseling -- almost every
day on Oprah.

Interviews of the once-unhappy spouses revealed three
routes to happiness:

---Marital endurance: As time went by, sources of conflict
eased. Household incomes grew, gifts of jewelry arrived, and
the nightly headaches disappeared. "Not tonight, honey"
turned into "Not just tonight, honey."

---Marital work: Spouses worked hard to save their
marriages. Their winning strategies included changing their
behavior, improving communication skills, and finding time
to wear deodorant.

---Personal change: Spouses discovered ways to be happy
despite a mediocre marriage. Some focused on their jobs,
others focused on their children, and a few focused on
Antonio Banderas.

Middle-aged woman: "My husband doesn't find me attractive
anymore, but Antonio thinks I'm cute."

Friend: "You've spoken to Antonio Banderas???"

Woman: "Of course. I speak to Antonio all the time. Every
time I visit his website. That's why I bought a computer. I
can use my Hotmail account to send Antonio some really
hot mail."

Friend: "Perhaps you should try Yahoo, because that's
exactly what you're turning into."

When marriages go sour, divorce may seem like the best
answer, at least for those who aren't content with the
Internet. But the study seems to indicate otherwise. With
the divorce rate soaring in America, perhaps more people
should just hang in there and work on their marriages.

"Honey, did I say that I'm leaving you? Well, I didn't
finish my sentence. I meant to say that I'm leaving you
all my credit cards. Buy whatever makes you happy: a diamond
ring, a pearl necklace, a poster of Antonio Banderas."

(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
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Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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