ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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You really gotta love living in Canada...and especially right now in
Manitoba! On
Tuesday and Wednesday of this week...the temperatures soared into the 50F
range (unheard of here in January)...yesterday it dropped and is now running at
about -10F...that is a drop of 60F in one day! A real shock to your
system! Earlier
this week the snow was melting and people were outside without jackets...today
the snow that melted has all turned to ice...and you can recognize anyone
because
they are completely bundled up against the brutal wind that is
blowing! Two days
of warm weather really spoils you...its tough to accept this cold again now!
Oh well it could be worse...we don't get earthquakes or hurricanes! ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Cathy, Ann, LadyCherry,
Laura, Michael, Clifford, Barbara, Mike, Barb.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
How can you tell when you are staying in an Arkansas Hotel?
When you phone the front desk and tell them you got a leak
in the sink, and the deskclerk says "Okay, go ahead!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Public defender
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1052 ">Click Here </a>
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Drum messages...
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ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Proof that the world is nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different
reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse
than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is
there any job anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to
this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
First time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as
Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...(Hummm....I won't
touch THAT one!)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From
drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
And, the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad
breath?)
.... Where are the applications for Guam
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1951 Kathleen Bradley Youngstown Oh, model (Price is Right)
1952 Scott Thurston keyboardist/guitarist (Motels-Only the Lonely)
1953 Bobby Rahal Indy-car racer (over 15 wins)
1953 Pat Benatar [Andrezejewski], Brooklyn NY, singer (Hit Me With Your
Best Shot, Hell Is for Children)
1955 Luci Martin rocker vocalist (Chic)
1955 Michael Schenker heavy metal rocker (McAuley Schenker Groups-Coming on
Strong, Scorpions)
1957 Robert Thompson Houston TX, Nike golfer (1990 Boise Open-2nd)
1958 Shawn Colvin singer/guitarist
1959 Chandra Cheesborough Jacksonville FL, 4X100 runner (Olympics-gold-84)
1959 Don Letts rocker (Big Audio Dynamite)
1959 Kirk & Curtwood musician (Meat Puppets)
1961 Nadja Salerni-Sonnenberg Rome Italy, concert violinist
1961 Evan Handler New York City NY, actor (Dear Mr Wonderful)
1961 Janet Jones Bridgeton MO, actress (American Anthem, Flamingo Kid)
1962 Jim Lindeman US baseball outfielder (New York Mets)
1963 Frank Wijnhoven Dutch soccer player (NEC, Treffers)
1964 Krista Tesreau St Louis MO, actress (Mindy-Guiding Light, Tina-OLTL,
Silk Stalkings)
1965 Nathan rocker (Brother Beyond-Can You Keep a Secret)
1965 James Washington NFL safety (Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins)
1967 Mick Hankers Dutch dancer (Josephine, Sound of Motown)
1967 Micky Michelle [Ingrid Hankers], Dutch dancer (Josephine)
1967 Trini Alvarado actor (Frighteners)
1968 Lyle Menendez NY, accused of killing his parents (Menendez Brothers)
1968 Malcolm Showell WLAF defensive end (Amsterdam Admirals)
1969 Doug E Doug rapper/comedian (Operation Dumbo Drop, Jungle Fever)
1969 Juanita Clayton Manitou Manitoba, softball catcher (Olympics-96)
.....and on this day in history:
1951 1st jet passenger trip made
1951 UN headquarters opens in Manhattan NY
1952 Jean Anouilh's "La valse des tor�adors" premieres in Paris
1953 "My Darlin' Aida" closes at Winter Garden Theater New York City NY
after 89 performances
1953 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to Archibald MacLeish
1953 NFL Pro Bowl National Conference beats American Conference 27-7
1954 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to W H Auden
1956 Elvis records "Heartbreak Hotel"
1957 Anthony Eden resigns & Harold Macmillan becomes PM Britain
1957 Baseball Commissioner Ford Frick rules Bing Crosby can keep token
stock in the Detroit Tigers, even though he owns part of Pittsburgh Pirates
1958 Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Balls of Fire" reaches #1 on the country and
r&b charts, #2 on the pop chart
1960 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to Delmore Schwartz
1962 4,000 die in avalanche, Ranrahirca, Per�
1962 Eruptions on Mount Huascaran in Peru destroy 7 villages & kill 3,500
1964 US version of "That Was The Week That Was" premieres
1964 Battles between moslems & hindus in Calcutta
1964 Panama severs diplomatic relations with US
1965 Bollingen prize for poetry awarded to Horace Gregory
1965 NFL Pro Bowl West beats East 34-14
1965 WKBD TV channel 50 in Detroit MI (IND) begins broadcasting
1966 Julian Bond denied seat in Georgia legislature for opposing Vietnam War
1966 India & Pakistan sign peace accord
1967 Edward Brooke, takes (Senator-R-MA) seat as 1st popular elected black
1967 PBS (the National Educational TV) begins as a 70 station network
1967 Dutch Princess Margret marries Pieter van Vollenhoven
1967 Lester Maddox inaugurated as Governor of Georgia
1968 US Surveyor 7 lands near lunar crater Tycho
1969 Pirate Radio Station Free Derby begins operation by Northern Ireland
1969 USSR's Venera 6 launched for parachute landing on Venus
1969 Sweden (1st Western country) recognizes North Vietnam
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
MEDICAL NEWS
The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable
discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions
may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
The Taming of the Jerk
By: Angela Gillaspie � January 2003
Like most everyone else, I spent the holidays surrounded by loved ones.
They included relatives, close friends, coworkers, and neighbors. We
laughed, cooked, ate, reminisced, argued, cleaned, talked, hugged, yelled,
and got on each other's nerves.
Throughout this intensive bonding time, I observed that the holidays
sometimes bring out the worst in people rendering them moody, irritable,
and downright rude. I guess you'd say they were being jerks. I've written
about jerks before, but after this past holiday season, I decided to
research this behavior further.
Do jerks know they are being jerks?
More?.....
<a href=" http://www.southernangel.com/tamejerk.html ">Click</a>
http://www.southernangel.com/tamejerk.html
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling
something.
-Wesley in "A Princess Bride"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Talk About A Bad Hair Day
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What BITCH Really Means
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me
if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me
if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right
then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
ӿ�------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Friends were drinking in a bar & among other things they were
talking about sex & their favorite positions.
The first one said: -for me the best one is 69 all the way.
The second one said: -I just love the missionary position.
The third one said. -there is nothing better than the wild rodeo.
His friends looked intrigued & demanded a detailed description. So he
went on - first you start doggie style until things heat up, then you
slowly press your chest against her three back & whisper gently "my
secretary loves this position" & then you try to stay on top for 8
seconds.
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Dog Pet Peeves About Humans
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg
humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over
everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your
toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...
stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd
you buy carpet, anyway?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing
yet... idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both
know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you
realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food
chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with
us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the
visible fence problem!
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said,
"Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
How many of the Great Lakes does Michigan border?
A. Three
B. Four
C. Five
D. Six
<Answers in Next Issue!>
05/01
Last Issue's Answers:
Which country was home to the first railroad in continental Europe?
C. France
QQ: It was the Saint-Etienne to Andrezieux railroad and used horses and
carried only freight.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
I Am NOT Going To Run Out Of Toilet Paper Again
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Cats With Attitude
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A blond called her attorney and asked, "I hear they
are suing the cigarette companies for causing
people to get cancer, and now someone is suing
the fast food goliaths for making them fat, so
what I want to know is.... Can I sue Budweiser
for all the ugly men I have slept with ?"
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
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Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
Sometimes you have an issue that you remember for a long time...
this is one of those issue...my opening comments were (IMHO)
absolutely fantastic!
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m780.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
I was preparing deviled eggs to go with our traditional Christmas Eve
dinner when my six-year-old nephew, Paul, said, "Mmm, Christmas isn't
Christmas without deviled eggs." Paul's three-year-old brother, Shawn,
said, "Uh-uh, Christmas isn't Christmas without cheeses." I bent down to
little Shawn and said, "I'm sorry, we don't have any cheeses."
Exasperated, Shawn threw up his hands and said, "Aunt Cindy, cheeses
(Jesus) is the reason for the season," and then he walked away.
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
The Idiot Test
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Anna Nicoles Treasure Chest Game
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Play Mario
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Hangaroo
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed
his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes,
taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to
jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going
when he hit that cow?"
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see
one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims
the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to
do about it?" the aide replies.
"Just go ahead and pay it, and get that daughter of mine in here
NOW." responds the President.
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
A Set Of Big Berthas
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ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
Two women were sitting in the jury pool room down at the Hall of
Justice in San Francisco when they looked over to see another
prospective juror sitting there masturbating. This being San
Francisco, they didn't say anything -- that is, until they found
themselves sitting next to the guy on a jury panel.
They called over the bailiff, and faster than you can say "zip up
your fly," the women, the flasher and the cops were walking over to
Southern Station. Upshot: No charges were filed, but both the flasher
and the two females got excused from jury duty -- for a year.
Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, Dec. 15, 2002
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
My friend's preparations for a visit from her children in-
cluded a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's
window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her,
"My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them
money. When does it end?"
"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while
glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here
to deposit a check from my mother."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] W H O N E E D S E N E M I E S ? [||||]
To protect its vulnerable Thursday night grin grid, NBC will pony up $10
mil an epi for "Friends" next season, the highest price ever paid for a
sitcom the net will take a financial drubbing on. (LAT/12/22)
Toughest negotiations in vid history. Jennifer Anniston now owns the
peacock and Lisa Kudrow's new downstairs butler is Jay Leno.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played
poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that
they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.
The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the
local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired
of the priest:
"Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven,
whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your
honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The
minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I
was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling,
Rabbi?"
The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . . "With whom?
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ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
An Arkansas man was arrested after police followed a trail of
evidence from a bungled bank heist -- discarded wrappers from
candy he allegedly stole and ate as he made his getaway, police
said on Saturday.
"It's a classic," said Patrolman Jerry Lung of the Marked Tree
police department, who arrested Michael Brown, 33. Marked Tree
is a small community about 135 miles northeast of Little Rock.
Brown allegedly smashed the glass door of a bank in the community,
and then looked directly at the bank's security cameras, Lung said.
He also triggered an alarm.
When Brown found that all the money had been stashed away because
the bank was closed, he allegedly stole a clock radio and fistfuls
of candy, police said.
As he left the facility, he ate the candy and left a trail of
wrappers that led to his home in a nearby trailer park.
Brown was arraigned on Friday on robbery and other charges and
remains in jail pending trial. Bail was set at $25,000.
"It was almost like he wanted to be caught," Lung said Saturday.
The candy allegedly stolen from the bank was "Dum Dums," the police
officer said.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex
life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
A TAIL OF TAILS
Although the human body is beautiful, there are times when I wonder
what if we were made a little different?
Most of us would probably wish for wings that work. In dreams, we
know just how to fly. It's so easy! But sadly, upon awakening, the
same rules don't apply. There are times when I wish I had a beak so
I could peck someone that's bugging me.
Then there are those many occasions when I feel as though I've been
mauled by a Tasmanian Devil. I'm short so I wouldn't be too upset to
have a longer neck like a giraffe. Like Gimli, the Dwarf, in The
Lord of the Rings, there are many times when I just can't see what's
going on.
But I think a vast improvement would be if we all had tails. Just look
at dogs and how they use their tails. Can a dog lie? Can a dog hide
their emotions? Can a dog cheat or blame someone else? NO! A dog could
never be a politician, thief or con artist.
One look at the tail and we know exactly how the dog feels. Are they
happy? It's wagging. Are they scared? Guilty? Sad? It's between the
legs. Even when it's the cat's fault, the tail is still between the legs
because they know something is wrong and chances are, they'll get the
blame.
With a cat, you can also tell the mood by the tail. If the tail is straight
up like an exclamation point, the cat is generally happy, hopeful and
usually wanting food. When the cat is trying to get warm, the tail is used as
a scarf to help keep in the heat. And when the tail is big and fuzzy without
all the hairs standing on end: watch out!
Monkeys have a lot of fun with their tails. Swinging around and using them
for balance; I don't understand why apes and humans don't have them as well.
Horses and cattle use their tails as fly swatters. Tails can even be used to
attract mates as seen by the peacock. "Hey, baby! Check out this tail. Not
like that other guy's tail. Oh, no. Mine is MUCH bigger. Stays up longer,
too."
I like the way kangaroos kind of sit back on their tails. Oh, there have been
so many times when I wish I had a built-in chair. Cocktail parties, watching
school performances or waiting for my order to be called all make my back ache
just thinking about it. In fact, "Disneyland Back" as the chiropractors call
it, is NOT a result of the sudden stops, starts and turns of the rides. It's
the result of standing in those lines that stretch from one "Land" to the
other.
Hard to be in the mood for "Indiana Jones" when you've heard "It's a Small
World"
247 times.
But, I like the skunk's tail the best. It's definitely the most
civilized. It's
a warning designed to get your immediate attention. There's no ifs, ands
or buts
when you see that fluffy black and white tail stand up. "Okay," says the
skunk,
who can't talk, I know, but if it could, it would say, "Okay! I'm warning you!
You really don't want to be around for the next five seconds! Time for you to
grow some wings that work, you fool!"
I really wish we had tails. Especially after my family has had bean
burritos for dinner.
Lynette2003
Lynette is the writer and creator of the website: www.lynetteisfunny.com.
She lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and two children. Her family is
the main comedy source for her column although she is not above making up
something just to be funny. Email Lynette at [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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