ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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So did you watch the American F*cking Music Awards last night? Wasn't that
a great f*cking show? I have never seen such great f*cking hosts of an awards
show in all my f*cking life....who was the genius that decided to hire the
f*cking
Osbournes to host the f*cking show? Did they not realize that every second
f*cking word out of f*ucking Ozzy f*cking Osbournes f*cking mouth is the word
f*ck! Personally I have to say I was f*cking disgusted by the whole
f*cking show
and it has f*cking turned me off the f*cking awards shows for a long
f*cking time!
On a bit of a different note...Pete Townsend of The Who has been arrested on
Child Porn charges? What the heck? I guess we really know now "Who are
You? Whoo Whoo Whoo Whoo"
And last but not least...check out my BRAND spanking new "Links" page and
if you have a website...add it to the list...this links page is different
from the
others!
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/ ">Click</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Barb, Ann, Laura,
Pat, Nevanish, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
Chadwick's girlfriend got a new job as a receptionist at the local
sperm bank. One of her duties is to say to the donors as they
are leaving: "Thanks for coming and come again!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
To much TV
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1046 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1046
It's murder...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1045 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1045
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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favorite ezines by topic, keywords, targeted ezines that
accept free ads, ad swaps, classified ads, sponsors ads,
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to
meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance:
leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed
their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he
doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice,
why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1951 Gil Pak Jong Korea, judo (Olympics-1976)
1951 William Risrook rocker (BT Express-Here Comes the Express)
1952 Sydney Biddle Barrow madam/author (Mayflower Madam)
1958 Colin Ferguson murderer (6 people on the Long Island Railroad on Dec
7, 1993)
1959 Carl Chas Smash Smyth rock bassist (Madness-Our House)
1959 Geoff Tate vocalist (Queensryche-Breaking the Silence)
1959 Paul Terry cricketer (in Germany Two Tests England vs West Indies 1984)
1959 Susan Smith Beloit WI, playmate (Sept, 1981)
1961 Robert Edwin Hall mountaineer/businessman
1962 Patrica Morrison rocker (Sisters of Mercy-Walk Away, Black Planet)
1964 Sergei Nemchinov Moscow Russia, NHL center (New York Islanders,
Olympics-Silver-98)
1964 Steven Soderbergh writer (Mimi, Schizoplis)
1965 Vanity [Dee Dee Williams], singer/actress (Action Jackson)
1965 Dave Lowry Sudbury, NHL left wing (Florida Panthers)
1965 D�sir�e Nosbusch Luxembourg, actress (The Fan)
1965 Jemma Redgrave London England, actress (Buddha of Suburbia)
1966 Daniel J Schneider Memphis TN, actor (Dennis-Head of the Class)
1966 Matt Brock NFL defensive end/tackle (New York Jets)
1967 Emily Watson actress (Breaking the Waves, Boxer)
1967 Terry Wooden NFL linebacker (Seattle Seahawks, Kansas City Chiefs)
1967 Tom Rhodes actor (Tom Rhodes-Mr Rhodes)
1968 Fred[ric] Honebein San Francisco CA, rower (Olympics-5th-1996)
1968 L L Cool J [James Todd Smith], St Albans NY, rapper (Bigger & Deffer)
1969 Jason Kent Bateman Rye NY, actor (David-Valerie, Hogan Family)
1969 Dave Grohl drummer (Nirvana, Foo Fighters)
1969 David Webb WLAF linebacker (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1969 Martin Bicknell cricketer (England pace bowler 1993)
1969 Rico Smith NFL wide receiver (Cleveland Browns)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 US recalls all consular officials from China
1950 "As the Girls Go" closes at Winter Garden Theater New York City NY
after 420 performances
1951 NFL Pro Bowl 1st since 1942, Americans beat Nationals 28-27
1952 "Today Show" premieres with Dave Garroway & Jack Lescoulie on NBC-TV
1952 Rationing of coffee in Netherlands ends
1952 Snow storm in Sierra NV kills 26
1953 Yugoslavia elects its 1st president (Marshal Tito)
1953 Vaughan William's "Sinfonia Antartica" premieres in Manchester
1953 WALA TV channel 10 in Mobile, AL (NBC) begins broadcasting
1954 Marilyn Monroe marries baseball star, New York Yankee, Joe DiMaggio
1954 Sandy Wilson's musical "Boyfriend" premieres in London
1955 Heitor Villa-Lobos' 8th Symphony, premieres in Philadelphia
1956 Little Richard releases "Tutti Frutti"
1956 Jordan government refuses to join Pact of Baghdad
1960 Tuindorp-Oostzaan in Northern Amsterdam, flooded
1960 US Army promoted Elvis Presley to Sergeant
1961 Chicago Bear Willard Dewveall becomes 1st NFLer to join the AFL
1962 NFL Pro Bowl West beats East 31-30
1963 George C Wallace sworn in as Governor of Alabama, his address states
"segregation now; segregation tomorrow; segregation forever!"
1964 Jacqueline Kennedy's 1st public appearance (TV) since assassination
1964 14th NBA All-Star Game East beats West 111-107 at Boston
1964 Bapu Nadkarni 32-27-5-0 vs England, 21 maiden overs in a row
1966 David Bowie releases his 1st record (Can't Help Thinking About Me)
1967 20,000 attend the Human Be-In, San Francisco
1967 New York Times reports Army is conducting secret germ warfare experiments
1967 Sonny & Cher release "The Beat Goes On"
1967 Earthquake in Sicily kills 231
1968 Super Bowl II Green Bay Packers beat Oakland Raiders, 33-14 in Miami;
Super Bowl MVP Bart Starr, Green Bay, Quarterback
1969 25 members of US aircraft carrier Enterprise die during maneuvers
1969 Soyuz 4 launched; rendezvous with Soyuz 5 two days later
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
John came visitin' up north, and decided he wanted
to go and do something he could never do in Oklahoma,
snow skiing!
Unfortunately, before he ever made it UP the hill so's he could
*try* and come DOWN the hill on ski's, he was knocked unconscious
by the chairlift.
He called his insurance company from the hospital, but they said
they were refusing to cover the injury.
"WHAT?!?" yelled John at the phone. "And just why wouldn't you
cover an injury like this?" he complained.
"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," John's insurance rep
said. "That makes you a moron... and we consider that to be
pre-existing condition."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
BELIEVE IT OR ELSE
Doing George Orwell Proud
I was in the midst of rereading 1984 with the idea of doing a definitive
comparison of Orwell's world with our own, but I discovered it's already
been done. Check out the magnificent Orwell Today.
<a href=" http://www.orwelltoday.com/ ">Orwell Today</a>
http://www.orwelltoday.com/
Positive Proof the '60s Live
This astonishing piece of flash takes a while to download but will
certainly cut down on your mescaline bills.
<a href=" http://w1.736.telia.com/~u73602493/flashback.html ">Click</a>
http://w1.736.telia.com/~u73602493/flashback.html
More? Check out Disinfotainment Today at:
More?
<a href=" http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment ">Click Here</a>
http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment/
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"I have a dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much
of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip." --Craig Shoemaker
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Take The Silicon Boob Challenge
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boobtest.html ">Click</a>
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Bad Class Project
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
32 Things you may not be aware of and really didn't care to know:
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce
up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find
a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be
seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World
War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per
side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange,
purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was
never a recorded Wendy before. [Actually I wish this were still the
case...whoops...did I say that out loud?]
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World
War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who
discovered this??
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film
down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record
player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the
market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot
sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-
alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a
woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into
space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to
mention the other drawback to farting in such a confined space....
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!! .
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Playing doctor...
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http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1044
Jailhouse rock...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1043 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1043
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
As an act of charity, the wife of a local magistrate in a poor
distrcit of London invited a little girl from the area to tea.
The girl sat down at the tea table, looked around, and then turned
to her hostess. "I see you keep your house very clean," she said.
"Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know."
The magistrate's wife smiled at the girl and winked at her
husband.
The little girl went on, "Is your husband working?"
"Of course he is!" said the lady. "Why do you ask such a strange
question?"
The girl continued. "And are you both keeping off the drink?"
"Why, what an impertinent little girl you are!" cried the lady.
"When you are invited to tea, you should try to behave like a
lady, my child."
"Oh, but I am tring," replied the little girl. "When ladies visit
our house, they always ask these questions."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Little Suzie ran into the house, crying as though her
heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked her
mother.
"My doll! Johnny broke it!" she sobbed.
"How did he break it, Suzie?"
"I hit him over the head with it."
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
Definition of Atheism : a non-prophet organization.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
In about 1618 the French explorer �tienne Br�l�, became the first white man
to reach Michigan. What was he searching for?
A. The largest Wolverine in the Americas
B. The Garden of Eden
C. A waterway to the Pacific Ocean
D. Gold
<Answers in Next Issue!>
05/01
Last Issue's Answers:
How many of the Great Lakes does Michigan border?
B. Four
QQ: Shame on any Americans or Canadians who answered six! There are only
five great lakes and Michigan borders on Lakes Michigan, Huron, Superior
and Erie. The fifth great lake is Ontario.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Find the Car
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carfind.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carfind.html
Get A Cluepon
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Anni was seen going into the woods with a small package and
a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she
returned. Her friend, Wendy, never saw Anni looking' so sad.
Wendy "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.
Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Anni,"Cause I just can't get a man."
Wendy, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the
woods."
Anni, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods
cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I
couldn't find it."
Wendy, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Anni, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some
dead mice and a bird cage."
Wendy, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Anni, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good
pair of hooters."
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
This is another day in Purehumour History when there has been
no previous issue published....but since I will be away tomorrrow
we can check that issue out...and it had a GREAT opening
paragraph by me! ;)
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m784.html ">Archive</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m784.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators. They had
consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would stirrup trouble.
Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to feed their night mares. One
cowboy reached for his gun and drew a blank. Eventually they would go
off to a rodeo to try and get a few bucks.
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Peg Jump
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pegjump.html ">Click</a>
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Celebrity Memory
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/celebmem.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/celebmem.html
ӿ�-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ӿ�
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"You have a problem with that name Sparky"? The cat asked.
"I'm sorry but my favorite chew toy was named Gus." Rex answered.
"Well, If that chew toy still existed and could talk I could only imagine the
horrors it could tell of time spent alone with you." The cat snapped back.
The dogs began to discuss with Gus on how they could help each other. The
dogs agreed to share some of their fruit with the cats in exchange for
directions to a source for water the cats had discovered. Both sides agreed
that for now it was best that they respect each others turf and arranged that
all meetings would be held at a neutral location. They also agreed to search
in different directions for any other signs of life and to share any
information they gathered.
Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar. The owner, a bit
outraged, says - "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a
public place.."
A bit bewildered, the guy answers - "But it is only yesterday I
bought those cigars here."
The owner quietly replies: "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms
here!"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Tony got home in the early hours of the morning after a night
at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the
furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke
up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from
the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the
neighbours!"
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he
shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't," he said, "I've drank it."
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Cosmopolitan, The Married Womans Edition
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cosmo.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cosmo.html
I Knew One Day It Would Finally Happen
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/froze.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A Croatian woman who slept with two men at the same
time has given birth to twins with two different
fathers.
The 23-year-old student, who has been named only as
M.B, gave birth to non-identical twins in Zagreb
seven months ago.
However, she has revealed that DNA testing has shown
the children have different fathers.
She told daily Jutarnji List: "I was shocked at get-
ting pregnant and even more surprised when doctors
told me that my two sons had different fathers."
Doctors have said twins being born to different
fathers is extremely rare.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer
team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the
kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a
nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner,
explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play
soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep
track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for
it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking
out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind
kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being
refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the
window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking
the hell out of my best milk cow!"
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
<unavailable today...will return next issue>
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Buzz came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
"Terri, my love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've
discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," Terri said, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Buzz replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes, we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple
to help out!"
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ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
The first toon...
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Family inside...
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
Police confiscated $50,000 in cash from a Vermont
couple who had come to bail their daughter out of
jail, claiming the money smelled like marijuana.
Police said they thought the cash could be the
proceeds of drug deals.
Nikita Santor's parents, Arlene and Martin Edward
Santor of Wallingford, Vt., brought the money Dec.
21 to the Hampshire County Jail. Most of the money
was in $20 bills wrapped in rubber bands, according
to police.
The officer at the jail detected a "slight odor of
marijuana," according to a sworn statement. A police
dog then sniffed the money and confirmed the drug
smell, the police affidavit said.
According to police, the Santors told them the money
came from their daughter's friends.
Nikita Santor, 27, of Ascutney, Vt., and Michael Lenahan,
36, of Walpole, N.H., were arrested Dec. 18 on Interstate
91 in Northampton. Santor, who was driving Lenahan's car,
was pulled over for following another car too closely.
Police said the state trooper who pulled her over smelled
marijuana in the car and a search recovered marijuana and
$12,000.
Police said they later found other drugs, cash and a handgun
in Santor's and Lenahan's homes.
Both pleaded innocent to possession of marijuana with intent
to distribute.
The district attorney's office is seeking to keep the $50,000
brought to bail out Santor, who remains in jail. A hearing
on the matter is scheduled for Jan. 16.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth
about men that I have found...
....Gay or straight...we all want blow-jobs.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I'll Have What She's Having
Erik is unavailable this week, so we are reprinting a column from 1999
in the hopes that no one will really notice.
I've sometimes considered being a restaurant critic, but except for the
restaurant that delivers shish kebabs William Tell style, there aren't
many I don't like.
Unfortunately most restaurants sell the same items with no great
variety. The typical restaurant, assuming it's not a four-star gourmet
restaurant, serves some sort of hamburger. They also have chicken,
vegetables, and salads. There's no major difference in taste or quality.
The biggest difference is the name of the food, which varies wildly from
restaurant to restaurant.
Since the hamburger is usually a restaurant's flagship sandwich, it's
named after the restaurant or one of its characters. You can order the
Big Boy, the Halfback, the Gunslinger, and the Bronco Burger: a
quarter-pound hamburger with pickles, onions, lettuce, and tomato on a
bun.
One of my favorite lunches is a nice Reuben sandwich -- corned beef,
sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, and Thousand Island dressing on rye bread.
It's a universally recognized sandwich, and one of our local restaurants
makes a pretty decent Reuben.
Unfortunately, the restaurant, which has a nautical theme, has named the
sandwich the "Shiver Me Timber." As a result, I'm supposed to order the
"Shiver Me Timber," and NOT "a Reuben sandwich" whenever I eat there.
It doesn't matter that I order the sandwich so often the waitress has it
waiting for me as soon as I walk in the door. And it doesn't matter that
everyone else in the free world, including people in Brazilian rain
forests who have never seen corned beef, calls this "a Reuben sandwich."
They don't even care if I read its menu description ("succulent corned
beef lovingly smothered with sharp Swiss cheese, tart sauerkraut, and a
huge smear of Thousand Island dressing, layered between two thick slices
of fresh rye bread").
What matters is that I call the sandwich by its proper name, the "Shiver
Me Timber." But I hate doing it, because it sounds like something Pee
Wee Herman got arrested for.
"I'll have the Reuben," I tell the waitress.
"The what?" she asks.
"The Reuben. . . sandwich."
The puzzled look on her face tells me I must have been speaking Ancient
Greek and not been aware of it.
I point to that particular item on the menu. "This one."
I can't make her mad; I don't want any "sneezers" mixed in with my
Thousand Island dressing.
"Oh, you mean the Shiver Me Timber," she says, as if I've just revealed
the secrets of internal combustion to her.
"Yes, that one."
"That what?"
I grit my teeth and try not to cry. "That sandwich."
"Come on, you have to say it," my waitress says in a sing-song voice. I
was afraid it was going to come to this. I hang my head and my shoulders
quake with silent sobs. I barely gasp out the words, "I'll. . . have. .
. the. . . Shiver. . . Me. . . Timber."
I feel so dirty.
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" The look on my face tells her not to push
her luck, so she goes off to put in my order.
I hear her yell from the kitchen, "Hey Joe, I just broke another one!
That's 37 for me this month!"
Now I can put up with the occasional Shiver Me Timber or Big Buoy
half-pound hamburger. But what really makes me cringe is ordering off
the kids menu. Luckily, most restaurants across North America have the
same kid's menu, because my daughter is as predictable as gravity when
it comes to restaurants:
"I'll have chicken, French Fries, ketchup, dip," she used to say the way
only a parent could. Unfortunately, with the exception of our favorite
Sunday restaurant (sadly now closed), no one else knows what the heck
she's talking about. But it's always the same, no matter where we go.
"What did she say," asks our waitress.
"She'll have the chicken fingers, fries, with Ranch dressing and ketchup
on the side," I tell our waitress.
"The what?"
Oh no, not again.
"The chicken fingers and fries?" I ask, hopefully.
A sadistic smile slowly spreads across her face. She shakes her head
slowly. I look to my wife for help, who is suddenly engrossed in the
color of my daughter's left ear.
"Fine," I say in a clear, loud voice. "I'll have the Lucky Plucky Happy
Chicky Delight with Tatie Stripes," reading it directly from the menu. I
can clearly see that she's written "chix fngrs, FF" on her notepad, so
if she keeps this up, her tip is going to be 4 pennies at the bottom of
a full water glass.
She races off toward the kitchen and shouts to her co-workers in the
back, "Hey guys, I just hit 50! I set the new record!"
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
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