ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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COLD! COLD! COLD! What the heck happened to El Nino? I thought that
someone said this winter was going to be warm! Well right now we are in
one hell of a cold streak...temperatures are in the -30C range every night
and the high today is expected to be about -22C ... that is freakin' cold! No
end to this is in sight. BUT at least we don't have the wild-fires that they
are suffering with in Australia right now ... over 400 homes destroyed in the
suburbs of Canberra. Maybe I should quit complaining about the cold right?
Remember to check out my two hottest pages:
Free Links: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/
Discussion Forum: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/
Today's issue includes contributions by: Kay, Rubin, Barb, Keli, Wendy,
Eddie, The Posens.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting:
"Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Poor Pay...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1032 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1032
Wise kid...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1031 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1031
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
NEW! Free Ezine Directory! Quickly search for all your
favorite ezines by topic, keywords, targeted ezines that
accept free ads, ad swaps, classified ads, sponsors ads,
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Wendy, Keli and Anni were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was
1,000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would
tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any
of the jokes along the way or else they would not
be able to enter Heaven.
Wendy went first and started laughing on the 45th
step, so she could not enter Heaven.
Keli went next and started laughing on the 200th step,
so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was Anni's turn. Step 5's joke had no impact;
she didn't even crack a smile. The same with step 10's,
step 15's, and 20's, all the way up to step 750. On step
755 she grinned a little, but quickly got under control.
All was well until she got to the 999th step. All of a
sudden she started laughing, uncontrollably.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't
even tell a joke."
"I know, I know," Anni replied. "But I just got that first
joke!"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Billy Ocean [Leslie S Charles], Trinidad, singer (Suddenly, Caribbean
Queen)
1950 Joseph R Tanner Danville IL, astronaut (STS 66, 82, sk 97)
1950 Richie Ranno rocker
1953 Fausto Bara Mexico, actor (Gaucho-Renegades)
1955 Peter Fleming New Jersey, tennis player (US Open Doubles 1979, 81, 83)
1955 Robby Benson Dallas TX, actor (One on One, Running Brave, ChosenIce
Castles, Beauty and the Beast)
1956 Bob Brill New York City NY, drummer (Berlin-You Take My Breath Away)
1957 Geena (Virginia) Davis Wareham MA, actress (Beetlejuice, The Fly)
1957 Jacob Green NFL defensive end (Seattle Seahawk)
1957 Shaukat Dukanwala cricketer (Baroda off-spinner, UAE World Cup 1996)
1958 Miguel Alejandro New York City NY, actor (Popi)
1961 Sherry Ramsay Stauton VA, actress (Trish Mason-As the World Turns)
1961 Gabrielle Carteris Phoenix AZ, actress (Andrea-Beverly Hills 90210)
1963 Cindy Schreyer Forest Park GA, LPGA golfer (1993 Sun-Times Challenge)
1963 Detlef Schrempf Germany, NBA forward (Mavericks, Pacers, Supersonics)
1963 Hakeem Abdul Olajuwon Nigeria, NBA center (Rockets, Olympics-gold-96)
1963 Jessie Hester NFL player (St Louis Rams)
1965 Brian Bradley Kitchener, NHL center (Tampa Bay Lightning)
1965 Cordell Crockett rocker (Ugly Kid Joe-Mad Man, Too Bad)
1965 Eric Moore NFL tackle (Cleveland Browns)
1965 Tania Abitbol Madrid Spain, LPGA golfer (1994 US Women's Open-4th)
1966 Chris Hammond US baseball pitcher (Florida Marlins)
1966 Katrine Michaelsen Gentokte Denmark, Miss Denmark (1984)
1967 Ulf Stenlund Sweden, tennis star
1968 Charlotte Ross Chicago, actress (Eve-Days of Our Lives)
1968 Tom Urbani Santa Cruz CA, pitcher (St Louis Cardinals, Detroit Tigers)
1969 Ashley Sheppard NFL linebacker (Jacksonville Jaguars)
1969 Matt Willig NFL tackle/guard (Atlanta Falcons, New York Jets)
1969 Rusty Greer Fort Rucker AL, outfielder (Texas Rangers)
1969 Ted Long CFL slot back (Hamilton Tiger Cats)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 New York jury finds former State Department official Alger Hiss guilty
of perjury
1950 "Lend an Ear" closes at National Theater New York City NY after 460
performances
1950 T S Eliot's "Cocktail Party" premieres in New York City NY
1951 Babe Didrikson-Zaharias wins LPGA Tampa Women's Golf Open
1952 Nehru's Congress party wins general election in India
1953 John Foster Dulles appointed as Secretary of State
1954 1st gas turbine automobile exhibited (New York City NY)
1954 1st atomic submarine, USS Nautilus, launched on Thames River,
christened by First Lady Mamie Eisenhower
1956 William Shawn succeeds Harold Ross as editor of the New Yorker
1956 "Comedy in Music (Victor Borge)" closes at Golden New York City NY
after 849 performances
1957 KSAT TV channel 12 in San Antonio TX (ABC) begins broadcasting
1958 KMOT TV channel 10 in Minot ND (NBC) begins broadcasting
1958 Phillies agree to televise 78 games into New York City NY (doesn't
happen)
1960 Little Joe 4 suborbital Mercury test reaches 16 km
1960 Rock falls traps 437 at Coalbrook South Africa, 417 die of methane
poisoning
1961 Portuguese rebels seize cruise ship Santa Maria
1961 "Conquering Hero" closes at ANTA Theater New York City NY after 8
performances
1961 KIFI TV channel 8 in Idaho Falls ID (NBC) begins broadcasting
1962 Snow falls in San Francisco
1962 JFK arrives in Uruguay
1962 Mickey Wright wins LPGA Sea Island Women's Golf Invitational
1964 Carl T Rowan named director of US Information Agency
1965 Persians premier Ali Mansoer injured
1966 Beatle George Harrison marries model Patti Boyd
1967 AFL Pro Bowl East beats West 30-23
1967 US female Figure Skating championship won by Peggy Fleming
1967 US male Figure Skating championship won by Gary Visconti
1968 AFL Pro Bowl East beats West 25-24
1968 NFL Pro Bowl West beats East 38-20
1968 US B-52 bombers with nuclear bomb crashes in Greenland
1969 22nd NHL All-Star Game West beat East 3-3 at Montr�al
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across
America" by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course,
Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books.
And there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with green
Eggs and HAM? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate
of Dr. Seuss) here's a new
ending for the story-- You will never see?
They are not KOSHER, So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up in matzo brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in
addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
ads at all! Guaranteed!
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http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html
ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
DisInfotainment Today!
by Michael Dare
BELIEVE IT OR ELSE
Logic
So let me get this straight. If Saddam Hussein proves he doesn't have the
means to defend himself, we'll leave him alone, but if the United Nations
proves he DOES have the means to defend himself, we're attacking.
More? Check out Disinfotainment Today at:
<a href=" http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment ">Click Here</a>
http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment/
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend a whole
evening in front of it in only eight minutes."
-Steven Wright
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Celebrity High School Yearbook Pics
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hsyb.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hsyb.html
Ice Love
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/icelove.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/icelove.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A little girl running down the side walk saw something in
the middle of the walk and she stopped short, she bent over
and looked very close, "That looks just like dog poopy."
She got down on her knees, bent over and took a long and
deep smell. "That smells just like dog poopy." she reached
her finger out and swiped her finger through it. She put
her finger in her mouth. "That taste just like dog poopy.
I'm glad i didn't step in it"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Autumn in Brooklyn
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1030 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1030
A new pet..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1029 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1029
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Anni was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said
Cruise for $39. She walked in and plunked her money on the table.
The travel agent grabbed her, tied her to a wooden plank and threw her
into the river out back. Terri walked in a few minutes later, plunked
down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to a wooden plank and
thrown into the river out back. The current was swift, so she caught up
with Anni and they both floated together for a while.
Terri asked, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
Anni said,. . . "They didn't last time."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as he father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing
that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry
home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants
to buy Mom!"
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward
that causes all the problems.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Which vegetable does not actually exist botanically?
A. Pumpkin
B. Squash
C. Turnip
D. Radish
<Answers in Next Issue!>
12/01
Last Issue's Answers:
Which historical gardening fact is NOT true?
C. A failure at landscape gardening, Caligula decided to try his hand at
the job of Roman Emperor in 37 AD.
QQ: He was a Roman emperor but I doubt his resume included working as a
landscaper.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Jacuzzi
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jacuzzi.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jacuzzi.html
Whats Under That Kilt
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/kilt.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/kilt.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there
is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the
most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so
be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born
before 1964!
Symptoms of Senile Virus
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
No issue in history on this date...a lot of those lately...so I went
back to January 20th 2000 and found a special edition that was
dedicated to long time contributor SunAmy! She has sent me
so much material over the last (almost) four years....that Purehumour
could be renamed SunAmyHumour! ;)
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m385.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m385.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
Recently, the widow of a millionaire, Maggie Malone, died at the age of
93. At her death, she left behind a sizeable estate: $50 million! The
thing is, she bequeathed the entire estate to the Florida Alligator
Preservation Society. Her children were a little miffed at being cut out
of the dibs. However, one of her sons had some pull in the press. An
article in the local paper the next day read, "Millionairess who died
recently, was high on Gatorade."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
What Word
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whatword.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whatword.html
Play Poker
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poker.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poker.html
ӿ�-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ӿ�
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
Back at the basement the dogs talked about marking their territory and how to
conduct a search of the land. All agreed to get some sleep and start off
early in the morning. As they settled in for some rest all of the dogs
listened as hard as they could for any noise they recognized. They heard
nothing and it scared them.
Sam was a little spooked by the silence and in order to soothe himself he
posed a rhetorical question to the group. "If we survived and the cats
survived, surely there must be others who made it"?
No one answered, but all seemed to give his theory some serious thought and
merit.
After a night or restless sleep the dogs fanned out into what used to be the
countryside. Along they way they marked their territory the way dogs normally
do as they headed north. They agreed to keep each other within barking
distance. As they trotted a long they noticed that for the first time in days
there seemed to be a light wind. The ground was not as flat the further they
moved out. Small hills and bumps made them feel more confident that Sam's
reasoning was solid.
Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
1. Top 10 Resolutions I Won't Keep This Year
10. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I
answer my email.
7. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK,
dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
6. No more downloads from alt.binaries.?
5. I resolve to back up my new 124 GB hard drive daily...
well, once a week... monthly, perhaps.
4. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
3. I will read the manual.
2. I will think of a password other than "password."
and the number one Resolution you won't keep this year...
1. When I subscribe to a mailing list, I will read all the
mail I get from it religiously.
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and
has gone all out. She has a caterer, band, and a hired
clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up
looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the
woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will
chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the
rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children
having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up,
and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck
in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries
to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums
doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he
swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps
high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is
doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this
performance for the children at the party? I would pay him
$50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him..."
"HEY NEIL! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Lucky Day
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/luckyday.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/luckyday.html
Did You Have A Mammo Today
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mammo.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mammo.html
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
An American woman spent an entire transatlantic flight
stuck to the plane's toilet.
The woman became sealed to the seat for the seven hour
flight from Oslo to New York after flushing the loo
while still sitting down.
Her bottom was sucked into the bowl by the high-pressure
vacuum flushing mechanism. She was freed on landing and
has lodged a complaint.
Company officials say she alerted flight crew but they
were unable to free her until the Boeing 767 landed.
The woman is now filing a complaint to Scandinavian
Airlines System.
"She was stuck there for quite a long time," a company
spokesman told Ananova.
"She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the
toilet until the flight had landed so that ground
technicians could help her get loose.
"Of course we have apologised. She was pretty
embarrassed."
The woman's complaint is highlighted in a review of the
strangest complaints registered with Norway's two main
air companies, Braathens and SAS, in 2001.
Others included the owner of a show-jumping rabbit called
Valdo who complained after his bunny had two teeth knocked
out in his cage in the hold on one flight, and a dog who
is claiming a ticket refund after arriving too late for
his flight.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[For Wendy...yeah we're heading up there this summer and I WILL
check my tackle box after I arrive! ;) ]
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at Paint Lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me
to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me
enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tacklebox. We're
leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things
up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this
sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her
husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught
many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few
Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you
to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] P E D O P I X F I X [||||]
"Peter Townshend, the legendary guitarist and co-founder of The Who, was
arrested Monday on suspicion of possessing indecent images of
children... " (LAD/1/14)
The official Vatican position is that Peter is not now, nor has he ever
been, a priest.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided
to send Bubbe(grandmother in Jewish) on a cruise. Bubbe boarded the
ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said,
"Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the steward
there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have
O.C."
Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The steward said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said,
"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."....
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into
her room with trays of food for her Breakfast In Bed and she said,
"F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? ...What do you mean F.U.C.K.?",
To which the old grandmother replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.. . . . First
U Could Knock!"
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ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Jogging is bad..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1028 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1028
Pregnant pics...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1027 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1027
ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
Several years ago I arrested a burglar in a fast food establishment. It was
late at night and he had dropped into the building through a grease vent in
the roof. His problem was that he had miscalculated his height as compared
to the vent. When he kicked the plate off the bottom of the vent, his feet
only stuck through the ceiling a few inches. As he dropped to the stainless
steel countertop below, he cut his hand, quite badly, on a piece of the
metal vent. And as his greasy tennis shoes landed on the countertop, he
slipped and his face crashed into the tile floor knocking him unconscious.
He had come to and was opening the drive through window as I came around
the corner of the building. When I entered the building and took him into
custody, he told me he had planned to steal a microwave, but had given up
and was trying to get out and go to the hospital before he bled to death.
He said that he had been in the penetentiary for the previous 5 years for
burglary and had gotten home about 12 hours before he burglarized this
particular building. Since he was so bad at the burglar profession, we
found him a job making license plates for 2-10 years
Detective N. L. Webb, Palestine, Texas Police Department
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
I hate sex in movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up,
the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled
the mood.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
Now listen folks...Erik Deckers is still in the running in the game
of Humor Columnist Survivor...there are THREE people still in the
game! Please visit the link below and vote for someone OTHER than
Erik (you are voting someone out of the game!)
<a href=" http://www.progressiverevelations.com ">Click</a>
http://www.progressiverevelations.com
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
What Does "Dinosaur" Smell Like?
It was bound to happen someday. In the 1950s, we were given 3-D glasses
to make movies "come to life." In the '80s and '90s, it was Surround
Sound that put us "in the middle of the action." And in the 21st
century, odor is the Next Big Thing that will make entertainment and
education more realistic.
But we have to draw the line somewhere.
At the Dewa Roman Experience in Chester, England, museum officials
thought adding certain odors ("odours" if you're English) to the exhibit
would make it more interesting to visitors (not "visitours"). So they
added the appropriate smell to their reconstruction of a Roman latrine.
Unfortunately, the "pong" (that's British for odor) was so realistic
that several children from visiting school groups became sick, and four
of them vomited on the spot. The product was diluted and returned, but
two more children got sick the next week.
Needless to say, the staff exchanged the original smell for a less
vomit-inducing one.
The original smell, Flatulence, was created by Dale Air
(www.daleair.com), an aroma manufacturing company in Lancashire,
England.
"The smell was disgusting. It was like very strong boiled cabbage, sweet
and sickly," supervisor Christine Turner said in an interview on the
BBC's children's website.
Dale Air also makes Boiled Cabbage aroma
In fact, Dale Air makes nearly 200 different odors, both food and
non-food related. They have wonderful smells like Coffee, Eucalyptus,
and Lavender. But they also have a few that will wrinkle your nose, like
Dinosaur, Mustard Gas, Sweaty Feet, or my personal favorite, Old
Drifter.
Surprisingly, Dale Air does not make Vomit aroma, although I'm sure they
could.
The center already uses different aromas to add realism to the exhibit
of Roman life in Brittania, including Fish Market and Public Bath, also
produced by Dale Air.
And while I applaud the Dewa Roman Experience and Dale Air for creating
realistic historical displays, the big question is why would you want to
exhibit a Roman latrine in the first place? Or more importantly, why
would you want a realistic smell for it?
One website on English culture describes the latrine experience: "We
look through a window into a small dark room and jump with alarm as a
voice rudely shouts 'Who do you think you are looking at?' to discover a
Roman soldier sitting on a Roman toilet."
Now I'm a big fan of the total educational experience. I love visiting
the World Showcase at Disney's Epcot Center. I enjoy recreations of
historic battles, events, and everyday life. And it would help me
understand the life of the Romans in Brittania if I smelled Roman fish
markets, public baths, and horse stables.
But do we really need to know about the Ancient Romans' toilet habits?
Definitely not.
I like to think of the Roman soldiers as historical figures who fought
epic battles and oppressed entire cultures, not ill-mannered brutes who
perched on toilets and shouted at bystanders. So how did an idea for
something like this develop?
Museum Administrator #1: Attendance is down this month. We need
something to bring more visitors to the center.
Museum Administrator #2: How about life as a Roman horse groomer?
Museum Administrator #1: No, we've already done that.
Museum Administrator #2: What about a Roman latrine, complete with
realistic poo smell?
Museum Administrator #1: That's brilliant!
And so with the proper marketing and advertising campaign ("Now With 67%
More Poo Smell!"), the Dewa Roman Center seeks to become an educational
stop on any British family vacation.
British Mother: Children, where would you like to go on holiday this
year? Euro Disney or the Roman Latrine exhibit in Chester?
British Children: Roman latrines, Mummy, Roman latrines!!
British Mother: But children, you could meet Mickey Mouse.
British Children: Yes, but the Roman latrines have Realistic Poo Smell!
But Dale Air says theme-based aromas are the wave of the future, and
they're bringing them to the world. They provide realistic odors to
places like the smell of horses at Scott's Hut in New Zealand,, coal
fire smells in the Tenement Museum in New York, and even the smells of a
swamp and a Tyrannosaurus Rex's breath at London's Natural History
Museum.
And now their next big venture is movies, where they "aim to change the
theatre experience." No longer are you limited to just seeing and
hearing car chases, you'll smell the gasoline and burning tires. You'll
smell the ocean as the "Jaws" theme plays in the background. And you'll
be overwhelmed by panic sweat anytime you watch an Adam Sandler movie,
although it may be your own.
But if they ever odorize anything with Anna Nicole Smith, I'm never
watching movies again.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
--
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him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
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