ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Purehumour is taking a bit of a break. Tomorrow will be the last issue of
Purehumour until Tuesday Feb 11th 2003. Next week I am gone for the
week to a conference. Yeah I am going to be sitting in meetings all day
long listening to boring people talk about nothing...maybe I should just
stay home and listen to my wife? During my absense...please feel free
to check out the Purehumour Archives. Almost every issue from the past
four years is stored in there! You can find the archives at:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Archives</a>
Interestingly enough...February 12th 2003 marks the FOURTH anniversary
of Purehumour...I cannot believe that four years have passed since I put the
first issue out there...it is amazing how times flies when you are having fun!
So check me out tomorrow ... and then the archives will have to make do for
you for a week or so!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Nana, Rubin, Barb, Nevanish,
Wendy, SunAmy, Kay, Colorado Kid.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering
wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of
his employees.
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it." the clerk replied.
"Well there is now," the boss said. "After you left early
yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped
in to see you."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Bruce Howard Lidington actor (Sword of Valiant, Mosses)
1950 Ralph Wilcox Milwaukee WI, actor (Big Eddie, Busting Loose)
1950 Silvia Bertolaccini LPGA golfer
1951 Marv Ross rocker (Quarterflash)
1951 Bobby Stokes footballer
1951 Charles S Dutton Baltimore MD, actor (Alien 3, Crocodile Dundee 2, Roc)
1951 Clifford Leon Anderson rocker (Cure)
1951 Phil Collins England, singer/drummer (Genesis-Against All Odds)
1951 Trevor Laughlin cricketer (Australian all-rounder 1978-79)
1954 Alides Hidding singer/guitarist (Time Bandits)
1955 Curtis Strange Norfolk VA, PGA golfer (1989 US Open)
1955 Judith Tarr US, sci-fi author (Isle of Glass, Ars Magica)
1955 Michael Thompson guitarist (Afterburn, Fresh, Sahara, Gridlock'd)
1957 William Payne Stewart Springfield MO, PGA golfer (1983 Walt Disney)
1958 Brett Butler Montgomery AL, comedienne (Grace-Grace Under Fire)
1958 Rob van Zandvoort Dutch rock vocalist/keyboardist (Jack of Hearts)
1959 Jody Watley Chicago IL, dancer (Solid Gold)/singer (Looking For a New
Love)
1960 Tony O'Dell Pasadena CA, actor (Alan Pinkard-Head of the Class)
1961 Ranjit Madurasinghe cricketer (3 Tests for Sri Lanka 1988-92)
1964 Cheryl Akemi Toma Pearl City HI, Miss Hawaii-America (1990)
1965 Julie McCullough Honolulu HI, playmate (Feb 86)/actress (Growing Pains)
1966 Daphne Ashbrook Long Beach CA, actress (Liz-Our Family Honor)
1966 Danielle Goyette ice hockey forward (Canada, Olympics-98)
1967 Bill Leverty Richmond VA, guitarist (Firehouse-Love of a Lifetime)
1968 Bob Nardella hockey defenseman (Team Italy 1998)
1968 Felipe de Borbon Prince of Asturias, heir to Spanish throne
.....and on this day in history:
1950 "Robert Montgomery Presents" dramatic anthology premieres on NBC TV
1951 Belgium refuses to allow communists to make speeches on radio
1952 Lehmer verifies 2^521-1 & 2^607-1 (183 ciphers) Mersenne-prime #
1952 Paul Creston's 4th Symphony, premieres
1954 Belgium ends trade agreement with USSR
1954 Italy's Fanfani government resigns
1956 Martin Luther King Jr's home bombed
1956 Elvis Presley records his version of "Blue Suede Shoes"
1956 KRMA TV channel 6 in Denver CO (PBS) begins broadcasting
1956 KTXS TV channel 12 in Sweetwater-Abilene TX (ABC) begins broadcasting
1957 US Congress accepts "Eisenhower-doctrine"
1958 1st 2-way moving sidewalk in service, Dallas TX
1958 House of Lords passes bill allowing women in
1958 Baseball announces players & coaches rather than fans pick all stars
1958 Dore Schary's "Sunrise at Campobello" premieres in New York City NY
1959 Australia 1-200 1st day 4th Test vs England, Adelaide Oval
1959 Paul Hindemith's symphony "Pittsburgh" premieres
1960 CIA oks Lockheed to produce a new U-2 aircraft (Oxcart)
1960 Dutch communist trade union EVC'58 disbands
1960 Riot curtails third day's play at Port-Of-Spain West Indies vs England
1960 US female Figure Skating championship won by Carol Heiss
1960 US male Figure Skating championship won by David Jenkins
1961 Bobby Darin is youngest performer to headline a TV special on NBC
1961 JFK asks for an Alliance for Progress & Peace Corps
1961 KAET TV channel 8 in Phoenix AZ (PBS) begins broadcasting
1961 Lance Gibbs takes hat-trick (Mackay, Grout, Misson) at Adelaide
1962 UN General Assembly censures Portugal (because of Angola)
1962 2 members of Flying Wallendas' high-wire act killed when their
7-person pyramid collapsed during a performance in Detroit
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1964 Ranger 6 launched; makes perfect flight to Moon, but cameras fail
1964 Military coup of General Nguyen Khanh in South Vietnam
1965 "The Name Game" by Shirley Ellis hits #3
1965 State funeral of Winston Churchill
1966 -19�F (-28�C), Corinth MS (state record)
1966 -27�F (-33�C), New Market AL (state record)
1966 Ard Schenk skates world record 1500m (2 05.2)
1966 Dmitri Shostakovich completes his 11th string quartet
1968 Bobby Goldsboro records his biggest hit, "Honey"
1968 Vietcong launch Tet-offensive on US embassy in Saigon
1969 Beatles perform their last gig together, a 42-minute free concert on
the roof of Apple HQs
1969 US/Canada ISIS 1 launched to study ionosphere
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You goober! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A
copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that
much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin
Luther."
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
The Gross Out Factor
by Lynette
I wonder how many of us would still voluntarily choose to
be parents if we were told of the gross-out factor ahead
of time?
Oh, the sweet smell of a newborn baby's head. Sweet perfume
straight from the gods.
Unfortunately, the two main orifices, front and rear so to
speak, are not from the same place.
You know what went into the child. You know what it smelled
like before it went in. So what happens to it during the
process that turns it into Hell's Odor?
More? ....
<a href=" http://home.bendcable.com/lynette/grossoutfactor.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"Oh, I can't drink these days. I'm allergic to alcohol and
narcotics. If I use them I break out in handcuffs."
Actor and reformed addict Robert Downey Jr.
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Joe is in a bar on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.
A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the
ass!"
Joe looks around, smiles, winks at the guy and says coyly, "I think
you're bragging bud, but I'll give you a fair go at it... I'm game if
you are..."
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed
himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses,
offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the
like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his
crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should
be living in a whore house!"
Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD be
cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to
pay for it."
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
Jim and Johnny die hunting in a boating accident. Jim goes
to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down
at Johnny in hell.
Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap. Jim
gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this?
I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down
there."
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and
the blonde doesn't."
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
What is the gestation period for the hippopotamus?
A. One month
B. Eight months
C. One year
D. Two years
<Answers in Next Issue!>
01/09
Last Issue's Answers:
Over the past 40 million years, more than 600 species of elephants have
roamed the earth. How many exist today?
B. 2
QQ: Today only two species are alive: the African elephant and the Asian
elephant. Climate fluctuations over the millennia and resulting vegetation
changes caused the extinction of many elephant species, but human impact
has also taken its toll. At the turn of the 20th century, elephants
numbered from 5 million to 10 million, but widespread hunting and habitat
destruction reduced their numbers to an estimated 640,000 by the end of the
century.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A hunter was combing the woods for the elusive Sasquatch. After some
time,he comes across an old Indian chief. The chief asks the hunter what he
is looking for, and the hunter tells him: "Sasquatch."
Not knowing what this Sasquatch was, he asked the hunter to describe it.
"Well, it's big, hairy, and probably stinks real bad," says the hunter.
The chief thought for a few moments, and replied: "What you
looking for not called Sasquatch, it called Squaw Snatch!"
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
Another date when Purehumour has never been published before...
so we take a look back at: January 28th 2000
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m389.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m389.html
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first
ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and
running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe,
you are in fine health. I can find no problems. However, I
did notice one strange anomaly."
"And what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is astounding!", said the incredulous doc."If you don't
mind, I'd like to take a few notes in order to submit this
phenomenon to The New England Journal of Medicine."
"All right, doctor."
Notepad in hand, the doctor asked, "First of all, how many people
are there in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of this tribe?", asked the doc
Running Doe replied.........
We are known as, "The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained.
"I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try
putting each part of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable
and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep,"
he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep.
Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent
teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head
from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...every-
body up!"
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Recent Auto-Industry Improvements:
Chevy has added wires to the rear window to clear fog
and frost.
Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed
when frozen and not burn up the motor.
Ford is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of
their trucks to keeps your hands warm while you're pushing!
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Goldilocks & The Three Hairs
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ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A two-month-old Norwegian boy has received a letter
warning him to use a condom.
The letter from a hospital in Finnmark also told Even
Andreas the results of his test for a sexually trans-
mitted disease had come back negative.
His parents say they were astonished when they receieved
the letter, addressed to their son, telling the infant
he did not have chlamydia.
The mistake has been blamed on a mix-up involving staff
who had previously tested Even for an eye infection.
Hospital workers had apparently confused his eye test
results with the results for a patient who had been tested
for STDs, reports the Verdens Gang newspaper.
The baby's father, Tor Johnny Aikio said: "Statistics show
that youths in Finnmark start having sex earlier than others
in Norway, but I think this was a bit early."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Rob and Jill are driving into town to
get more beer and Jills blowing him
on the way. Suddenly, Jill pulls her
head up and says "yur pashinit".
Rob grins and pushes her head back down.
Again she yanks her head back up and
says "yur pashinit".
"I know, I know" Rob says -"I'm very
romantic, eh!"
"NO, NO", Jill says, "yur pashinit...
the beer store's back there..."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] S A M S O N I T E R S [||||]
"Four baggage screeners at New York's La Guardia Airport said they were
given answers to questions on a certification test so they couldn't
fail, Newsday reported Sunday." (USA/1/25)
Among which was "Do you speak English?"
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap
off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green
lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book
and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up
and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed
the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
A drunk man made a harassing phone call to a random number
that ended up belonging to the Westlake, Ohio police chief.
Chief Richard Walling allegedly received the call from 31-
year-old John T. Mullen at about 3 a.m. Walling got on his
cell phone and called the police dispatcher who had SBC
trace the call.
During that time, Mullen allegedly stopped talking and began
to snore. By that time, police had the address and arrived and
say they found Mullen asleep with the cordless phone still in
his hand and the line still open.
Officers indicted Mullen had been drinking. He pled not guilty
to making the call.
The odds of randomly dialing police chief Walling is about 1 in
10 million. There's a better chance of dying from falling out
of bed or becoming parents of quadruplets.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
How the Gnat saved the South
by Capt. John Diamond
Camilla has the right idea. We should be thankful for the gnat.
The gnat has saved us in South Georgia more than once. Rarely
recorded in history books, the lowly gnat was responsible for
halting Union General William T. Sherman and his March through
Georgia to Tallahassee, the original name of Sherman�s slash and
burn urban renewal project.
When Sherman hit the gnat line, it was like running headlong into
a ...well, we all know what gnats are like. Get the gnats mad and
it�s a plague like those in the Old Testament. Sherman got the gnats
mad and found himself and his army engulfed in a giant, living black
cloud that blocked out all the sunlight.
That�s when Sherman headed for the coast and some relief from the
swarming gnats. Hence, the march was Sherman�s March To See. Yankee
historians, who later wrote the history books incorrectly, titled the
100-mile dash �Sherman�s March to the Sea.�
More recently, gnats have come to our aid in keeping back the hordes
of yankees again. Take this example. Yankees have taken over most of
Florida where sand gnats replace the regular gnat. Sand gnats are
stopped, for some reason, by any doorway, open or closed, screened or
not. Yankees can thusly escape sand gnats by diving through any
doorway.
Concrete bunkers cannot stop South Georgia gnats, so there is no escape
for the yankee. Yankees have also taken over Atlanta and are threatening
more and more of North Georgia. The gnat does not live up there. Remember
the first time you swallowed a gnat or got one in your eye? Probably not
as it was among the first things you did after being born, if you�re
native to South Georgia.
We are accustomed to gnats and accept them. Gnats are almost a part of
the family to a real South Georgian. Gnats are more plentiful at summer
family reunions than first cousins and that�s saying a lot. An outdoor
picnic without gnats just ain�t right.
Remember the first time you saw a yankee and a gnat collide? Remember
the yankee�s frantic attempts to drive away the gnats by swatting,
yelling and so forth? Remember seeing the yankee covered by gnats run
screaming to his car only to find it too had acquired a resident gnat
population? South Georgia entomologist Dr. Grant S. Eeker has discovered
that swatting and yelling actually attracts gnats. "We believe it has
something to do with pheromones (smells), mating and feeding. The
swatting actually fans the the pheromones into the air, which attracts
more gnats. The yelling serves as an audio (sound) reference for the
gnats to home in on because they have a poor sense of smell," he said.
More yankees have been driven home by the gnat than anything else I can
think of. I for one appreciate that. As long as the humble gnat continues
to swarm, we shall be relatively free of yankee infestations.
After reading this, some might believe that I don�t care for yankees. Not
true. I count it as a personal point of pride that I can tolerate yankees.
It just shows what an open-minded person I am, that I don�t show prejudice
against people from outside God�s Country. 'Course, I wouldn�t want one
living next to me.
---
Capt. John Diamond is in the Atlantic coast fishing aboard the
charter boat Titantic II. Day, overnight and weekend trips
available.
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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