ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Well folks this is it for a week...I will be away all next week so there will
be no Purehumour. BUT during my time off I have an assignment for you...
(homework so to speak)....my oldest son, Daryl, and I are working on a
new project and need some help...we are looking for the WORST web-
sites around...websites that have no purpose being on the net...they can
be in any category...but we are just looking for websites that are a total
waste of space! If you have any of these sites please send them to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Click</a>
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ... we are building a brand
new section for showcasing these terrible sites...and trust me from
what I have seen of the templates my son has put together....the site
looks fantastic...look for an announcement on the grand opening of
the site soon. But send in those links NOW!
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Barb, Carole, Rubin, Rick,
DA Funk, Pam, Marsha.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change
operation in order to become a nun?
A transsister.
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
A whole new year of records to break...over 1000 NEW
records. A section on extreme sports, military techn-
ology, human achievement, heroism, and even an "how-to"
on breaking world records! Buy it now and save up to
70%!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/32.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
1- HER DIARY: Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong he said nothing I asked him if it was my fault
that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too
when we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him
with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep I don't know what to do
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else My life is a disaster.
2 - HIS DIARY: Raiders lost today, but at least I got laid.
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1951 Harry Casey [KC], rock vocalist (KC & Sunshine Band-Give It)
1951 Phil Collins England, singer/drummer (Genesis-Against All Odds)
1951 Phil Manzanera rock guitarist (Roxy Music-Let's Stick Together)
1951 Presiley Baxendale British QC
1952 Rosanne Musgrave headmistress (Blackheath HS)
1953 Aart Mol Dutch bassist (Catapult)
1954 Adrian Vandenberg Amsterdam Netherlands, rock guitarist (Whitesnake)
1954 Sheik Faoud Ahamul Bacchus cricketer (West Indian bat late 70's)
1955 Virginia Ruzici Romania, tennis star
1956 Johnny Rotten [John Lydon], rocker (Sex Pistols-God Save the Queen)
1956 Lloyd Cole rocker
1956 Trevor A Manuel South African UDF/ANC-leader
1957 Brett "the Hitman" Hart Alberta Canada, WWF champion
1957 Shirley F Babashoff California, swimmer (Olympics-6 silver/2 gold-72, 76)
1958 Rafael Santana shortstop (New York Mets, New York Yankees)
1958 Tom Schuman pianist (Spyro Gyra-Morning Dance)
1959 Anthony LaPaglia actor (Murder One)
1959 Kelly Lynch actress (Drugstore Cowboy)
1960 Elaine Roque Santa Monica CA, beach volleyballer (Olympics-96)
1961 Lloyd Cole guitar/vocals (& the Commotions-Rattlesnakes)
1963 Scott Ian Rosenfeld Bayside NY, rocker (Anthrax-Protest & Survive)
1963 John Dye Amory MA, actor (Andrew-Touched by an Angel)
1964 Oto Hascak hockey forward (Team Slovakia 1998)
1964 Remi Bouchard Lasalle Qu�bec Canada, Canadian Tour golfer (1989 India
Open)
1964 Sharon Cain San Antonio TX, team handball center back (Olympics-1996)
1965 Bianca Yasmin Salahshourian Fairfield CT, Miss Connecticut-America (1990)
1965 Adam Johnson Portland OR, beach volleyballer (Olympics-96)
1965 Bobby Dollas Montr�al Qu�bec Canada, NHL defenseman (Anaheim Mighty
Ducks)
1965 Kim Clarke Tulsa OK, team handball back court (Olympics-88, 92, 96)
1965 Ren� Trost Dutch soccer player (Roda JC)
1966 Al Jaworsky [Alan Doughty], pop bassist (Jesus Jones)
1966 Charles Dimry NFL cornerback (Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Philadelphia Eagles)
1966 Jamie Taras CFL guard (British Columbia Lions)
1968 Doug Pederson NFL quarterback (Green Bay Packers-Super Bowl XXXI)
1968 Michael Sinclair NFL defensive end (Seattle Seahawks)
1968 Steve Phoenix US baseball pitcher (Oakland Athletics)
1969 Mathew Pallister Sydney New South Wales Australia, canoeist (Olympics-96)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 President Truman reveals that he ordered the Atomic Energy Commission
to develop the hydrogen bomb
1952 Dutch Lutheran Church reunites after 1� centuries
1952 Harry Heilmann & Paul Waner elected to Baseball Hall of Fame
1953 "Princess Victoria" capsized off Stanraer Scotland; 133 die
1953 Hurricane-like winds flood Netherlands drowning nearly 2,000
1953 New York, Cleveland & Boston retaliate at Bill Veeck, forcing the
Browns to play afternoon games to avoid sharing TV revenues
1955 RCA demonstrates 1st music synthesizer
1956 French government of Mollet forms
1956 Juscelino Kubitschek becomes President of Brazil
1957 Liz Taylor's 2nd divorce (Michael Wilding)
1957 Trans-Iranian oil pipe line finished
1958 "Jackpot Bowling" premieres on NBC with Leo Durocher as host
1958 James van Allen discovers radiation belt
1958 US launches their 1st artificial satellite, Explorer 1
1959 Joe Cronin signs 7 year pact to become head of AL
1960 Songwriter Adolph Green marries actress/singer Phyllis Newman in New
York City NY
1961 Ham is 1st primate in space (158 miles) aboard Mercury/Redstone 2
1961 USAF launches Samos spy satellite to replace U-2 flights
1961 David Ben-Gurion resigns as premier of Israel
1961 Houston voters approve bond to finance luxury domed stadium
1961 Kanhai completes twin tons (117 & 115) vs Australia at Adelaide
1961 NATO secretary-General Paul-Henri Spaak says he'll resign
1962 Samuel Gravely assumes command of destroyer escort "USS Falgout"
1962 General Charles P Cabell, USAF, ends term as deputy director of CIA
1963 Tony Sheridan & the Beat Brothers record "What'd I Say" & "Ruby Baby"
1964 US report "Smoking & Health" connects smoking to lung cancer
1965 Pud Galvin elected to baseball Hall of Fame
1966 USSR launches Luna 9 toward the Moon
1966 Belgian state police kills 2 striking mine workers
1968 Record high barometric pressure (1083.8 mb, 32"), at Agata, USSR
1968 Viet Cong's Tet offensive begins
1968 Bobby Simpson takes 5-59 vs India in his last Test for ten years
1968 Nauru (formerly Pleasant Island) declares independence from Australia
1968 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1969 Vice Admiral Rufus L Taylor, USN, ends term as deputy director of CIA
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with
the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
ads at all! Guaranteed!
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
A Generation Grows Up: A Culture Grows Old
by Kim Burke
Growing up as a child of the seventies was a breeze. Just
ask David Crosby. What blows my mind was what we bought
into. From a peanut farmer for a president to bell-bottom
jeans you literally tripped over, the seventies was an era
of eccentric ideas, though some of those ideas blew right
by us.
This was back in the days when straight guys got perms and
wore high-heeled shoes, otherwise known as platforms. Rick
Dees made a hit with 'Disco Duck' and 'Alright' by Nipsey
Russell turned into 'Dynomite!' by Good Time's Jimmie
Walker.
What I want to know is, who came up with the idea for Mrs.
Beasley? Is it just me or is this how they came up with the
look for Sally Jessy Raphael? I believe the blue dress with
white polka dots and yellow trim is what led me to make
horrible fashion choices during my high school years.
More?....
<a href=" http://www.incidentsandaccidents.com/culture.html ">Click</a>
http://www.incidentsandaccidents.com/culture.html
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-Joe Weinstein
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Attention Please
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/attn.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/attn.htm
When I Think of You
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/butt.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/butt.htm
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who
had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking
lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sherry, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist
in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I
date
one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward,
I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will
power
and resolve so you have the morals to quit screwing doctors ?"
"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual
findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can
communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?"
asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something
like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said
"Implants?
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Trivia returns after the break!
Last Issue's Answers:
What is the gestation period for the hippopotamus?
B. Eight months
QQ: Female hippopotamuses usually give birth to just one calf. The
gestation period for the common hippopotamus is about eight months; for the
pygmy hippopotamus, it is between six and seven months.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Gonna Make That Hole In One
<a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug2.html ">Click</a>
http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug2.html
Chick With Big Knockers
<a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug3.html ">Click</a>
http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug3.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Excuses for not performing fellatio
10. I thought only gay guys like that
9. I'll gag and blow chunks all over you
8. My head-gear will get in the way
7. I had a traumatic Popsicle accident as a child
6. Sorry Joe, no sucky sucky!!
5. You piss with that thing
4. I choke on small bones
3. I'm afraid of getting pregnant
2. Do it yourself, like the dog you are
1. I Never wil......G;x5409m%G...uugh
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
January 29th 2002:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m793.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m793.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my
boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I
swerved. A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a
raise". I was so excited that I swerved again. Later I got a third call.
"You've been made CEO". And I swerved again and ran into a tree. As I
was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I
careered off the road..."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Play Celebrity Tic Tac Toe
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/celebttt.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/celebttt.html
BushAerobics
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bushaer.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The Top 12 Signs You're Reading a Stephen King Children's Book
12> A blood-soaked Cinderella has just incinerated everyone
at the ball.
11> Curious George wanders through an open door and finds all
sorts of wonderful machines in the meat-rendering plant.
10> Green eggs? Well, no, those are gangrenous severed fingers.
9> King avoids his usual serious, adult themes: funny clowns,
choo-choo trains and doggies.
8> After the fall, Humpty Dumpty is slowly nursed back to health
by his psychotic #1 fan.
7> The pop-up kitten on pages 18 and 19 just asked you for some
raw meat.
6> Waldo's torso is much easier to locate than his limbs and head.
5> Your child still wets the bed, but now it's during story time.
4> There's a red-and-white striped hat lying on the ground, and
Cujo's got kitty breath.
3> The page where the woodsman rescues Red Riding Hood from the
wolf features realistic pop-up entrails.
2> Neither too cold nor too hot, the bears find the
Goldilocks-flesh fajitas "just right."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're
Reading a Stephen King Children's Book...
1> The wheels on the bus go round and round, as do the wheels
of the overturned stroller left in its wake.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles
to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour!
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<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The convent had been presented with a new car,
a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy,
the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all
and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend
Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town
was so packed with people and cars that is became
evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy.
"You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around
the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled
around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back
to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten,
twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling
policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in
a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would
surprise me!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Cat Bath
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/catbath.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/catbath.htm
Reading Is FUNdamental with Clinton
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/clintonbooks.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/clintonbooks.htm
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A high school teacher in Florida has been fired for giving
his students a condom demonstration with a banana, 'mood
lighting' and background music.
The Collier County School Board has dismissed Colin Nicholas
without stating a specific reason, saying it had the right
to dismiss an employee who was still within a 97-day
probationary period.
Mr Nicholas says by playing Christmas carols in the
background his intent was to simulate situations his students
might face, because he believes teaching safe sex benefits
students.
The teacher at Gulf Coast High School in Naples has previously
also had two of his students pretend to be sex therapists to
answer other students' questions.
Officials began to investigate Mr Nicholas in December when
parents complained after students had told them about the sex
education lessons.
School superintendent Dan White said: "It's those kinds of
demonstrations that we don't want in our schools."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The lawyer died. Having not lived an
all-that-honest life he found Himself at
the gates of Hell.
"Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil
greeting him warmly.
"Glad you could join us. As your last
taste of free will, you are allowed to
choose which of three possible places
that you will spend the rest of eternity."
There were three doors behind the Devil.
He opened the first door. Flames shot into
the room and the lawyer could see thousands
of people amidst the fire.
"No" said the lawyer. "Not this one."
The Devil opened the second door. The
lawyer could see thousands of People
slaving away at a large rock-pile. They
were all being whipped as they Hammered
the large boulders into smaller boulders.
"No" again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door
which showed thousands of People in a
incredibly large lake with vomit up to their
chins. All of them Were chanting
'Don't make waves, don't make waves...'
"That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in
repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you
should see it when the angels spend the
weekend here with their jet-skis!"
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] A I R H E A D S A N O N Y M O U S [||||]
"The US Supreme Court... refused to hear a long running case from toy
maker Mattel, which claims the 1997 dance song 'Barbie Girl' infringes
on its line of Barbie dolls." (USA/1/28)
The majority felt it would be embarrassing to the court to examine a toy
whose mental prowess exceeds that of one of its members.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the
Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait
to be given their rations.
After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces,
"Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for
everyone, so the Jews have to leave."
The Jews in the line leave grumbling.
About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces,
"Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat
for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party
will have to leave."
More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.
Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and
announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't
enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a
member of the Party before 1956 has to leave."
More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old
people remain in the line.
Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The
same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm
sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."
One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See?
It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
When you're wanted for armed robbery, it's probably not a
good idea to visit your alleged accomplice in jail.
York police admit catching David Ruppert, 21, was relatively
easy when the suspect went to York County Prison to see Robert
Haley, 18, who is also accused of holding up a woman making a
night deposit at First Union Bank in York last October.
"I would assume that he found out that [Haley] was locked up
and probably wanted to know if he told the cops about the
robbery," Snell said. "Instead [Ruppert] got a ticket to the
house also."
"We received a tip that, 'Oh by the way, he's down at your
county prison making a visit to Robert Haley,'" said Snell.
Police knew Ruppert was a suspect because they found his
fingerprint on the getaway vehicle, and Haley had admitted
that Ruppert was involved in the heist, Snell said.
Detectives notified police at the jail that their visitor was
wanted for armed robbery, and they held him until investigators
arrived.
"He was pretty surprised," Snell said.
Both men have been charged with robbery.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
A special double dose of Erik's column this week because of
two reasons...1) I will be away next week and it won't appear
and 2) Erik is in the final two in the humor columnist survivor
game...so please visit the site below and DON'T choose Erik's
name...instead vote off that other person (Gravel Gertie...who
just happens to also be a friend of mine...so don't tell her that
I said to vote her off!) ;)
http://www.progressiverevelations.com
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Would Rum Work Instead?
Abra cadabra, make my common sense. . . disappear!
If only it were as easy as waving a magic wand to make things disappear.
Whether it's telemarketers, people who drive slow in the left lane, or
that obnoxious teenager blasting his car stereo, we'd all like to wave a
little stick and -- *ZAP!* -- make these annoyances vanish from our
lives forever, like this:
Well-meaning adult: You know, young man, if you play your stereo too
loud, you could permanently damage your hearing.
Obnoxious teenage slacker: Bite me, you old geezer!
Well-meaning adult: *ZAP!* Wow, this Magic Zapper sure comes in handy.
Now where's my brother-in-law?
Or like this:
IRS Agent: Well, Mr. Johnson, although we're 99 percent sure it's our
error, we're not going to grant your tax refund. In fact, we're going to
audit you, take away your house, and put you in jail.
Innocent taxpayer: *ZAP!* Thanks, Magic Zapper.
Of course, we all know this is impossible, and that magic wands aren't
real.
Okay, maybe not all of us. Joann Zansky of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
thought it could happen.
She bought three magic wands --- for $1800 each -- from a self-described
psychic (Official motto: "Look at me, I'm a psychic!") who said the
wands would erase Zansky's negative thoughts. Instead, all it did was
make her money disappear, and magically make her the topic of several
humor columns and late-night talk show jokes.
According to an Associated Press story, Zansky contacted Bethlehem
police ". . . after she became suspicious about the effectiveness of the
wands."
Exactly when did Zansky become "suspicious" that the wands were fake?
Was it when the psychic told her a stick would erase negative thoughts?
Maybe it was when she said that one wasn't enough, and that Zansky
actually needed three. Or was it when she charged $1800 per stick? Or
was it when Zansky finally realized a bottle of whiskey would have been
more effective. And a lot cheaper.
But the funniest part of the story is that Zansky only became
"suspicious," instead of coming to an all-out realization that she had
been duped. I can only imagine the call she made to report her
"suspicions."
911 Operator: Nine-one-one. What's the emergency?
Zansky: I think my wands are fake.
911 Operator: I'm sorry, did you say "wands?"
Zansky: Yes, I did. I bought some magic wands for $5400 from a psychic.
She said the wands would make my negative thoughts disappear. But they
didn't work, because I've had negative thoughts about her, politicians,
and my 7th grade English teacher. But mostly her.
911 Operator: *ZAP!* Thanks, Magic Zapper!
Actually, instead of zapping Zansky, Lt. Robert Righi of the Bethlehem
Police told the Associated Press they were investigating the charges,
and said it could be ". . . some violation of consumer fraud." He then
pointed to his forehead and made a "DUH" face.
So what did these wands look like? For $1800, they'd better
diamond-studded sticks made of gold that also operates my television.
But my guess is they were nothing more than glitter-painted dowel rods
with plastic stars on the end.
Zansky: That looks like a plastic star.
Psychic: No, that's not plastic. It's made of moronite. It's a precious
compound, found in the energy-filled mines below Stonehenge. It channels
the cosmic energies of the universe to erase your negative thoughts.
Zansky: It says it was made in China.
Psychic: Quick, wave the wand and have a drink of whisk-- uh this magic
potion.
As of last Wednesday, no charges have been filed against the unnamed
psychic. However, one would assume she already knows what's going to
happen, and has already channeled a good lawyer to defend her.
Understandably, Zansky says there was a very good reason she was duped.
"She was a terrific actress," she said of the pshady psychic.
Actually, the psychic's acting abilities had nothing to do with it. It's
because you a) believed in someone who probably had a big neon hand on
the front of her house, and b) honestly thought that waving a stick
around like a kid with a Fourth of July sparkler would get rid of your
negative thoughts. How stupid can you get?
Everyone knows you can only dispel negative thoughts by placing crystals
on your forehead while you sleep.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
---
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
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