ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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GRAND OPENING: My son (Daryl) and I have spent the last couple of weeks
getting a brand new website off the ground and it is now open for you to see
the efforts. This is a totally new concept for me and some of what we have
done on the site I only just learnt how to do...the site looks great and it has
a nice theme to it too. You know those websites out there that you just
wonder what their purpose is? Well now you have a place to tell others all
about them...whether they are ugly or just a plain waste of bandwidth...they
all belong on wastedwebspace! Yes that is the name of our new site:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wastedwebspace.com</a> So
please take the time to have a walk around...check out the forums, suggest
some sites to us, and send the link along to your friends. Send us your
comments and questions...but most of all just visit the site:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">Click</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
The last issue of Purehumour was published on Friday January 31st 2003...
the next day we all heard the shocking news that the Space Shuttle Columbia
had burned up on re-entry into the atmosphere ... taking with it seven brave
people who were doing a job that they loved. Accidents like this will always
happen in the space program ... it is a dangerous enterprise to undertake and
I don't see how accidents can be prevented. Take a look at the automobile ...
after over 100 years of use we are still having accidents with them ... and the
same with aircraft ... after years of use they still crash occasionally ...
accidents
will happen ... but we have to continue to move on. Remember the seven members
of the International community that perished ... but continue to strive for
the stars.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Nevanish, Rubin, Barb, Rick,
D.A. Funk, Carol, Colorado Kid.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call a man with a broken condom?
Daddy
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[Just for the record...we saw LOTRs Two Towers last week and
although it was not quite as good as the first one ... it was still
a great movie.]
Last winter some dolt posted an on-line petition suggesting
that the name "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" was
intentionally offensive to the memory of 9/11...
There were about 3600 signatures, of which about 2000 are
sarcastic... below is the original petition, and just a
smattering of some of the replies:
To: Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema
Those of us who have seen The Lord of the Rings: The Fellow-
ship of the Ring know what an amazing director Peter Jackson
is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel,
I was overjoyed.
However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the
sequel "The Two Towers". The title is clearly meant to refer
to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post-
September 11 world, it is unforgivable that this should be
allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally
repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema
see the number of signatures on this petition, the title
will be changed to something a little more sensitive.
Sincerely, The Undersigned
818. C. Hart
I think it would be best, in light of recent events, if the
film was simply not shown at all. And by "recent events" I
mean "that God-awful first Lord of the Rings film."
1076. Sigmund Wonder
Oh thank you so much for this. Those shameless moneymongers
care for nothing but themselves. Could you please start a
petition to stop those fascist police from using 911 as
their phone number too? That is also something that bothers
me.
1102. Paul
they have no sensitivity, i wont even let my twin kids stand
next to each other out of respect for 9/11
1183. Lionel Hutz
I myself am a big Elvis fan, and if they name the third film
after the book title "Return of the King" I will start my
own petition....
1172. Joseph Minkock
How about changing it to: "Frodo's Hilarious Journey"?
1225. Hamm Hurabi
I demand that the number two no longer be used!
1346. burt convy's nipples
Yes, this exploitative Tolkien fellow should develop TV
programs for Fox. I say change the next movie to *honor*
the event: something like "Frodo, the Littlest Fireman."
1443. olly
I'll sign anything.
1434. William Shatner
I think Jackson's choice of title is shocking and offensive.
Two new buildings were recently constructed in my home town,
but we managed to have them demolished and the offenders
removed from society.
1422. Ajax Cortina
While you're at it, let's ban the number 11. Everytime I see
it, I cry.
1405. Pass
I believe Twins should be banned from entering Tower Records
stores.
1387. Ashton Kushner
I think it should be renamed "Dude, where's my Precious?"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Clarence Ellis NFLer
1950 Earnest Jim Istook (Representative-R-OK)
1950 Johanna E "Joke" Beerens actress (Schipper Next to God)
1950 Rochelle Fleming US soul vocalist (First Choice, Smarty Pants)
1953 Philip Anglim San Francisco CA, actor (Dane-Thorn Birds)
1953 Stephen D Thorne Frankfurt-on-Main, German, Lieutenant Commander
USN/astronaut
1953 Alan Rubin music figure (Blues Brothers)
1954 Catherine Hickland Ft Lauderdale, actress (Capitol, Star Trek IV)
1956 Kathleen Beller Queens NY, actress (Ft Apache the Bronx, Touched)
1958 Michael Jackson controller (BBC2)
1958 Regina Marsikova Czechoslovakia, tennis star
1959 Corinne Shigemoto US judo coach (Olympics-96)
196- Bianca Ferguson actress (Felicia Jones-General Hospital)
1960 Richard A Mastracchio Waterbury CT, astronaut
1961 Mary Docter US, 3000 meter speed skater (Olympics-1980, 84, 88, 92)
1961 Becky LeBeau Los Angeles CA, vocalist (Mischief)
1961 Carey Lowell New York NY, actress (Me & Him, Guardian, Dangerously Close)
1962 Scott Kolden Torrance CA, actor (Scott-Me & the Chimp)
1962 Sheryl Crow Kennett MO, singer/songwriter (All I Wanna Do, If It Makes
You Happy)
1963 Todd Benzinger US baseball player (San Francisco Giants)
1965 Angie Ridgeway Wabash IN, LPGA golfer (1992 Sara Lee-8th)
1965 Stephen Gregory New York NY, actor (Chase-Young & Restless)
1966 Alexander Semak Ufa Russia, NHL center (New York Islanders)
1966 Anthony Parker NFL cornerback (Minnesota Vikings, St Louis Rams, Tampa
Bay Buccaneers)
1966 Patrick Kuhnen West Germany, tennis star
1966 Stephen Gregory New York NY, actor (Chase-Young & Restless)
1967 Barbara Byrne Princeton NJ, rower (Olympics-96)
1967 Chris Reohr Ridley Park PA, fencer (Olympics-96)
1967 Derek King Hamilton, NHL left wing (New York Islanders)
1967 John Patterson US baseball infielder (San Francisco Giants)
1969 Shannon Long Gladstone Australia, playmate (October 1988)
1969 Bryan Eversgerd US baseball pitcher (St Louis Cardinals)
1969 Jennifer Aniston Sherman Oaks CA, actress (Rachel-Friends)
1969 Joe Valerio NFL outside corner/tackle (Kansas City Chiefs)
1969 Kevin King US baseball pitcher (Seattle Mariners)
1969 Mark Atkinson cricket wicket-keeper (Tasmanian batsman)
1969 Mary Stoker Miss Wisconsin-USA (1996)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 "Rag Mop" by The Ames Brothers hit #1
1951 Kwame Nkrumah wins 1st parliamentary election on Gold coast (Ghana)
1953 J Styne/B Hilliard's musical "Hazel Flagg" premieres in New York NY
1953 President Eisenhower refuses clemency appeal for Rosenberg couple
1953 Russia breaks diplomatic relations with Israel
1954 6th Emmy Awards I Love Lucy, Donald O'Connor & Eve Arden win
1957 KUMV TV channel 8 in Williston ND (NBC) begins broadcasting
1957 NHL Players Association forms (New York NY), Red Wings' Ted Lindsay
elected president
1958 Marshal Chen Yi succeeds Chu En-lai as Minister of Foreign affairs
1958 Ruth Carol Taylor is 1st African-American woman hired as flight attendant
1958 WTVC TV channel 9 in Chattanooga TN (ABC) begins broadcasting
1959 Vinoo Mankad ends his final Test Cricket (v West Indies at Delhi)
1960 Jack Paar walks off his TV show
1961 Robert C Weaver sworn in as Administrator of the Housing and Home
Finance Agency with then highest federal post by a black
1961 Trial of Adolf Eichmann begins in Jerusalem
1963 Beatles tape 10 tracks for their 1st album, including "Please, Please Me"
1963 CIA Domestic Operations Division created
1964 Beatles 1st live appearance in US; Washington DC Coliseum
1964 Greek & Turks begin fighting in Limassol, Cyprus
1964 Taiwan drops diplomatic relations with France
1965 Beatle Ringo Starr marries Maureen Cox
1965 Braves propose to pay 5� from each ticket to bring a new team to
Milwaukee
1966 San Francisco Giant Willie Mays signs highest contract, $130,000 per year
1968 Jeffrey Kramer survives 76 meter jump, Washington Bridge, Hudson River NY
1968 Peggy Fleming wins Olympics figure skating gold medal, Grenoble, France
1968 Israeli-Jordan border fight
1968 Madison Square Garden III closes Madison Square Garden IV opens (New
York NY)
1969 Diana Crump becomes 1st US woman jockey to ride against men, Hialelah
1969 Dorey Funk Jr beats Gene Kiniski in Tampa, to become NWA champion
1970 26.37 cm (10.38") of rainfall, Mt Washington NH (state 24-hour record)
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the
magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's
officer what it was called.
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it
out for myself. I calculated our location and found the
name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said,
"Sumdum Glacier."
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
DisInfotainment Today
Obfuscation of the Week
Afghans No. 1 in Opium says THE NEW YORK TIMES, and the
rest of the media line up like good little puppies to
repeat the accusation verbatim because it MUST be true.
Here's the lead paragraph...
UNITED NATIONS, Feb. 4 � Afghanistan was the world's
largest source of illicit opium in 2002, according to a
United Nations report released on Monday, which estimates
that opium revenues amounted to $1.2 billion in that
country while the average daily wage was only $2 per day.
The key word here is "illicit." People don't notice it
because they assume that all opium is illicit. It's not.
Leave out the word "illicit" and the sentence becomes "The
United States of America was the largest source of opium
in 2002."
More?....
<a href=" http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com/ ">Click</a>
http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com/
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented
cricket to give them some idea of eternity."
-George Bernard Shaw
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Sports Bra
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sportsbra.html ">Sports Bra</a>
Victorias Secret
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PinUp Girl for 2003
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/2003pinup.html ">PinUp Girl for 2003</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and
said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."
"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.
"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off
of it."
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Little Johnny and his classmates had just finished a tour
of the local fire hall. Before each student could leave,
the fire chief quizzed him.
The fire chief asked little Little Johnny, "What do you do
if your clothes catch on fire?"
Little Johnny replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Anni and Keli got together on a regular basis, and they
usually discussed families or local gossip. One day they
decided to change things a bit, and discuss important
political issues; the Middle East, Afghanistan, North Korea, etc.
Keli said, "But what about Red China?"
Anni responded, "Fantastic... it looks especially good
on a white tablecloth!"
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Michigan is the leading state in the sale of what kind of licenses?
A. Driver's
B. Marriage
C. Dog
D. Fishing
<Answers in Next Issue!>
02/02
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Whatever Happened To That 1980s SuperGlue Guy
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon1a.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon1a.html ">Whatever Happened To
That 1980s SuperGlue Guy </a>
Just Say No To Rugs
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sayno.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sayno.html ">Just Say No To Rugs</a>
Lots of Words To Describe Men
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill20.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill20.html ">Lots of Words To
Describe Men</a>
My Husband Died
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill40.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill40.html ">My Husband Died</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner
was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of
the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to
make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like
soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was
our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a
beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations'
definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by
underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was
flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat
down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You
like speechee?"
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
February 11th 2000
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m399.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m399.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of
Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen
he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that
Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing!
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job
and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only
awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.
ӿ�-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ӿ�
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"Wow, I can't believe our luck." Yelped Prince.
"Let's grab this stuff and get it back home." said Sam.
The dogs fit as much as they could into their jaws and began to follow their
scent back home. They decided to eat some right away since they were starving
but also agreed to save some for later.
"Wait until the cats hear about this." Exclaimed Sam. "I wonder if they found
anything"?
"Hold on"!" Growled Rex. "You plan on telling the cats about this"?
"That's what we agreed to."
If they made this find do you think they would tell us about it"? Rex queried.
Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night.
When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they
try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite
how to explain, she said, "You put your head between
my legs and I'll put my head between your legs." Still
unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a
rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!! he asked. "OOPS!
I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said. On the second attempt the
very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are
you going?" she asked. The man replied, "If you think I'm
sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
There's a guy and a girl and they want to have sex. So,
they go to the girl's house and before entering her room,
the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the
bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we
are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder,
and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."
With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having
sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"
Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she
changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"
Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making
sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Anatomic Parts of the Male Brain and their Functions
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mbrain3.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mbrain3.html ">Anatomic Parts of the
Male Brain and their Functions</a>
Solving The Problem
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/problem.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/problem.html ">Solving The Problem</a>
A Computer For Women??
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pc4woman.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pc4woman.html ">A Computer For Women</a>
Goal Of A Bitch
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/btch.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/btch.html ">Goal of a Bitch</a>
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A burglar who broke into a shop in Texas was arrested
after falling asleep on a display bed.
To make matters worse, the shop in Fort Worth is owned
by the wife of a county district attorney.
Police were called after employee Jane Sidener noticed
someone had used the store's toilet without flushing,
and left a black pistol in the bathroom.
Then she heard someone snoring in the bed, which formed
part of a display in the shop.
She said: "I think he was a pretty dumb burglar. Of all
the places in town he has to break in to, he picks the
District Attorney's wife's shop."
Ms Sidener said the man was irritated after being woken
up by police, and told officers: "Hey, I was asleep!"
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail
lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would
y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!"
gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's
pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down
at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be
anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama,
we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece
uh ass for mah drink."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] P R E T T Y L A R C E N Y [||||]
"[Winona] Ryder is appearing in fashion designer Mark Jacobs' spring
advertising campaign... ' because I thought she looked so beautiful in
all these pictures that we've seen recently, regardless of whether they
were from the trial...' " (LAT/2/7)
Winnie was paid $1500 an hour and all the clothes she could shoplift.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man
shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list,
and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we
really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
A man accused of robbing two people in an apartment
wounded himself in the genitals when the gun stuffed in
his pants went off during the getaway, police said.
Officers responding to the robbery found 19-year-old
Jasen Gins lying on the ground screaming in the parking
lot about 10:30 p.m. Friday, police spokesman Cpl. Don
Kelly said.
Gins and two other robbers allegedly forced their way
into an apartment, held up two men at gunpoint and fled,
Kelly said. The other robbers are still at large, he said.
Gins told police he had been shot during a robbery, but
Kelly said the bullet went through his underwear and into
his leg. No bullet holes were found in his pants to support
his claim that he'd been shot by someone else, Kelly said.
After receiving medical treatment, Gins was booked Saturday
into Parish Prison on a count of armed robbery.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
[Unfortunately Erik finished second in the Humor Columnist
Survivor game...but at least he lost to another of my long
time online associates so it is not all bad -- congrats Erik
on doing as well as you did and better luck next time. ]
Gimme an 'A'. . . Or Else!
The American Legal System: We don't make the grade. We make the grade
BETTER.
At least that's what one Memphis, Michigan high school senior thinks.
Brian Delekta, a student at Memphis High School (official motto: "Yes,
there's a Memphis in Michigan") is suing the Memphis Community School
District to get a grade overturned and a restraining order on class
rankings. Of course, it's not a real lawsuit without a monetary demand,
which is why he also wants $25,000.
However, it's not known whether the $25,000 would affect his amateur
standing on his high school hockey team, or if it would prevent him from
suing the Michigan High School Athletic Association when his team lost a
game.
It seems that young Brian was taking a work-experience class through the
St. Clair County Intermediate School District, and working as a
paralegal in his mother's Memphis law office. Not surprisingly, Diane
Delekta gave her son an A+.
However, the highest grade the St. Clair District gives is an A, so
that's what they stamped on his report card. Subsequently, the Memphis
district only recognized the A, and didn't count the plus (their own
grading system includes pluses and minuses). And so Delekta, who
finished his junior year at the top of his class, got his panties in a
bunch over the missing plus, which he believes could prevent him from
being class valedictorian.
Diane Delekta said her son performed all the duties expected of a
paralegal, and completed the checklist of things a work-experience
student must perform.
"It was what he would do if he were a paralegal in a law office," she
said in a Port Huron Times Herald story. "He prepared documents, met
with clients."
Also not surprisingly, Diane is representing Brian in his noble pursuit
of truth and justice.
Brian's concern is that the lack of a plus will be a lead weight on his
class ranking, and result in a faster-than-gravity plummet all the way
down to second or -- God forbid! -- even third.
So what kind of lesson does young Brian learn from all this? If you're
not happy with a result, legal recourse is the best recourse? If the top
grade your mom gave you doesn't count, you should file a lawsuit?
"Mommy, Billy Snodgrass beat me in my gym class relay race. Let's sue!"
I think the lesson Brian should have learned is: Do your research ahead
of time! If you're going to work for your mom, and she's going to give
you an A+, make absolutely sure one school district will recognize the
other school district's grading system.
If this is anyone's fault, it's Brian's for not making sure that the
grade would be given an equal value in both districts.
Circuit Court Judge Daniel Kelly will review a motion on the restraining
order on Monday, February 10. The restraining order calls for class
rankings to be frozen until the lawsuit is settled.
However, School board President Harold Burns is concerned about the
class rankings. Burns told the Times Herald that if Judge Kelly prevents
grades from being released until the suit is resolved, students might
not be able to apply for scholarships that rely on their rank.
Of course, people who think Delekta is just being a whiny crybaby would
consider it a delicious twist of irony if he got the pants sued off him
by students who lost valuable scholarship money over the delay. . . not
that I'm suggesting anything.
So what does Brian get out of all this if he wins his case? What will he
do if he completely blows a test this year, and doesn't get the A+ he
thinks he deserves? Will he sue the teacher for making the test too
hard? And what about his future? What will he tell job interviewers?
Potential employer: Mr. Delekta, tell me about some of your biggest
accomplishments.
Delekta: I sued my high school to become valedictorian. Then I sued my
university because I slept through my morning classes. And then I sued
my first employer because I wanted to be the top salesman in my
division.
Potential employer: Uhhh, thanks Mr. Delekta. Don't call us, we'll call
you.
If anything, Brian should just be given his A+. For one thing, it will
stop his incessant whining, and save the school district $25,000
(although Burns says their insurance will cover it). It will also allow
students to apply for much-needed scholarships, and prevent the Chess
Club geeks from beating the snot out of Delekta. Finally, Delekta's top
ranking should have an asterisk next to it, denoting that the ranking is
tainted, and not a truly earned top rank.
But he'll probably sue to have it changed to a dollar sign.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
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