ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a>
WOW! Time flies when you are having fun...and guess what...Purehumour
is FOUR years old today! Yes it was February 12th 1999 when I began to
publishe Purehumour and it is still going strong. We've all grown along with
it...and now my list empire continues to grow...we have added a bunch of
lists thanks to some great friends...and will soon be expanding even further...
I have built a website around my lists and now am taking that a step further
with my new wastedwebspace site. I have gotten to know hundreds of people
that I never would have talked to ... and I have had a hell of a lot of
fun! There
have been some bad times but most of it was good ... and I wouldn't give it
up for the world! For those of you that have been with me for the past four
years...I thank you ... for those of you who have not been here quite that
long ...
I thank you too ... and for those of you who just joined us ... I have just one
question ... what the heck took you so long? ;) AND as is tradition for me...
when I publish a special edition ... YOU get the ad-free version ... so welcome
to the FOURTH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE OF PUREHUMOUR JOKE EZINE ...
enjoy it and pass it along to all your friends! And hopefully we are all still
here next year for the fifth anniversary!
And don't forget to tell them all about the excellent places to visit:
wastedwebspace: A site dedicated to those sites that just shouldn't be there"
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wastedwebspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
My Links Page: Find a site...any site ... or even add your own:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/ ">Links</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/
The Forums: Go for it ... have your say ...scream and shout!
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/ ">Web-board</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/
Today's issue includes contributions by: Nevanish, pat, Di Ann, Barb,
Keli, Rubin, Kay, SunAmy, Colorado Kid.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
Your last blow job ... ever!
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:
Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether
the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to
catch 'em.
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out
of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in
the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "Branding."
There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic
tank.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.
The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and are
embroidered with his logo.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Steve Hackett rock guitarist (Genesis-Against All Odds/GTR)
1950 Michael Ironside actor, (Starship Troopers)
1951 Gil "The Bird" Moore rocker (Triumph)
1952 Dr Salvador Pineda Mexico City, doctor
1952 Simon MacCorkindale Cambridge England, actor (Counterstrike, Falcon
Crest, Manimal, Jaws 3D)
1953 Joanna Kerns [de Varona], San Francisco CA, actress (Maggie-Growing
Pains)
1955 Daniele Masala Italy, pentathlete (Olympics-1976)
1956 Paula Zahn Omaha NB, news anchor (ABC, CBS This Morning)
1956 Ad P Melkert Dutch minister of Social Affairs (1994- )
1958 Arsenio Hall comedian (Alan Thicke, Arsenio, Coming to America)
1958 Ruth Guerri St Louis MO, playmate (July, 1983)
1958 Ingrid Klich Whittier CA, rower (Olympics-96)
1959 Nancy Remy reporter (NYC's Shadow Traffic)
1959 Omar Hakim drummer (Dire Straits, Weather Report)
1959 Sigrid Thornton Australia, actress (Amelia Lawson-Guns of Paradise)
1959 Per Gessle rocker (Roxette-Joy Ride)
1961 Chris Heyne Offenbach Germany, WLAF General Manager (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1963 Brent Jones NFL tight end (San Francisco 49ers)
1964 Maurice Douglass NFL safety (New York Giants)
1964 Michel Petit St Malo France, NHL defenseman (Tampa Bay Lightning)
1964 Milton Small cricket pace bowler (West Indies vs Australia 1984)
1964 Raphael Sbarge actor (Glenn-Risky Business, Sherman-My Science
Project, Brian-Better Days)
1965 Ruben Amaro US baseball outfielder (Cleveland Indians)
1966 Boty Goodwin artist
1967 Stephen Baldwin actor (William Cody-The Young Riders)
1967 Andrew Dunkley Kent England, golfer (1991-93 Co-Captain University of
West Florida)
1968 Chynna Phillips Los Angeles CA, singer (Wilson Philips-Hold On)
1968 Josh Brolin actor (Johnny-Private Eye, Jimmy Hickok-Young Riders)
1968 Todd Fanning Saskatoon Saskatchewan, golfer (Manitoba Amateur-1984,
90, 91, 92)
1969 Josh Brolin actor (Johnny-Private Eye, Jimmy Hickok-Young Riders)
1969 Colin Keely Buffalo NY, water polo driver (Olympics-96)
1969 Shauna Lyn Searles Miss California-USA (1996)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 Senator Joe McCarthy claims to have list of 205 communist government
employees
1950 Albert Einstein warns against hydrogen bomb
1953 USSR breaks relations with Israel
1955 McGuire Sisters' "Sincerely" single goes to #1 & stays #1 for 10 weeks
1955 President Eisenhower sends 1st US advisors to South Vietnam
1955 Soviets decides space center built in Baikonur, Kazachstan
1955 WTVY TV channel 4 in Dothan, AL (CBS) begins broadcasting
1956 Fay Crocker wins LPGA Miami Beach Golf Open
1957 Researchers announce Borazan (harder than diamonds) been developed
1958 Celtic Bill Russell grabs 41 rebounds to beat Syracuse 119-101
1958 General Miguel Ydegoras Fuentes elected President of Guatemala
1960 Chinese army kills 12 Indian soldiers
1961 USSR launches Venera 1 toward Venus
1961 Celtic Bill Russell grabs 40 rebounds to beat Warriors 136-125
1961 Mickey Wright wins LPGA St Petersburg Golf Open
1961 Mushtaq Mohammad scores 1st Test Cricket century at 17 years 82 days
1962 Bus boycott starts in Macon GA
1963 Argentina asks extradition of Ex-President Peron
1964 Beatles 1st NYC concert (Carnegie Hall)
1964 End of Richie Benaud's 63-Test Cricket career
1964 US female Figure Skating championship won by Peggy Fleming
1964 US male Figure Skating championship won by Scott Allen
1965 KHFI (now KBVO) TV channel 42 in Austin TX (NBC) begins broadcasting
1965 Nuclear test at Pacific Ocean
1967 Keith Richards, Mick Jagger & Marianne Faithful busted for drugs
1967 Pirate Radio Free Harlem (NYC) begins transmitting
1967 Kees Verkerk becomes world champion all round skater
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
All you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27. affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40. intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46. passionate
47. respectful
48. sweet
49. strong
50. skilful
51. supportive
52. sympathetic
53. tolerant
54. understanding
55. someone who loves shopping
56. someone who doesn't make problems
57. someone who never looks at other women
58. very rich
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
59. are neither jealous nor disinterested
60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with
them than with her
61. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where
she goes
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
62. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation
However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly,
you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could
one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life
with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk-
bon viveur she meets...
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Let him play with your tits
ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
Terrorist Fun and Games
I've been thinking a lot about the situation in the Middle East.
The way it stands now, it is a no-win situation.
You have two groups of people who hate each other, want the other
side dead and desperately want the same piece of land.
Their ideologies do not allow the other side to exist.
I think I speak for a solid majority when I say that seeing this
drama on the nightly news is BOR-ING!
Let's settle this thing once and for all so the rest of us can get
on with our lives and watch Seinfield reruns.
More?..........
<a href=" http://home.bendcable.com/lynette/middleeast.html ">Click</a>
http://home.bendcable.com/lynette/middleeast.html
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The
all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of
course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy
Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel."
-Dennis Miller
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Cameron Diaz With & Without Make Up
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swomcam.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swomcam.html ">Cameron Diaz With &
Without Make Up</a>
Madonna With & Without Make Up
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swommadonaa.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swommadonaa.html ">Madonna With &
Without Make Up</a>
Pamela Anderson With & Without Make Up
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swompamela.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swompamela.html ">Pamela Anderson
With & Without Make Up</a>
Christina Applegate With & Without Make Up
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swomchris.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swomchris.html ">Christina Applegate
With & Without Make Up</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling
off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a
little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say
to that?"
The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your
Mother"
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a
disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small
number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically
involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad
task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the
human race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been
reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is
hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To
date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem
to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin
.
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
In order for the Italians not to be left out in naming their ships,
they finally registered the following designation with NATO :
USA is USS which means "United States Ship".
British is HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship".
....and now
Italy is AMB which means "Atsa My Boat!"
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it`s
safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Which country pioneered the use of house numbers?
A. France
B. Canada
C. Australia
D. China
<Answers in Next Issue!>
02/02
Last Issue's Answers:
Michigan is the leading state in the sale of what kind of licenses?
D. Fishing
QQ: Michigan is a leading state in the sale of hunting and fishing licenses
as well as in the ownership of recreational boats.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Ad Baby
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/adbaby.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/adbaby.html ">Ad Baby</a>
American Beauty
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/amerbeauty.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/amerbeauty.html ">American Beauty</a>
Annual Meeting
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annualmtg.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annualmtg.html ">Annual Meeting</a>
Your Tax Dollars At Work
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/atwork.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/atwork.html ">Your Tax Dollars At
Work</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what
kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the
eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the
second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
The youngest daughter replies, "I would like to marry a man with one
draggin' on the ground".
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
Lets go back and take a look at Purehumour on this day:
February 12th 1999: (The very first issue)
<a href=" http://groups.yahoo.com/group/purehumour/message/1 ">Click</a>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/purehumour/message/1
February 12th 2000: (First Anniversary)
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m400.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m400.html
February 12th 2001: (Second Anniversary)
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m612.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m612.html
February 12th 2002: (Third Anniversary)
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m801.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m801.html
ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a
few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so
naturally I built it on my new land.
Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and
move down there for good.
And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and
listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A fight broke out between a couple redneck locals and a lone
biker at closing time in the local watering hole. After easily
laying out the drunken hillbillies the biker heard someone
behind him! So he swung around and landed a devastating kick
to the groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid
picking up empty glasses.
When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the
woman alleging she was kicked in the altercation?"
To which she answered, "I ain't never had no alteration!
These is all my 'riginal parts."
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Top 10 Rejected Valentine's Day Cards:
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Bad Cat
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badcat.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badcat.html ">Bad Cat</a>
Now Thats A BIG Pussy
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigpsy.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigpsy.html ">Now That's A BIG Pussy</a>
Talk About A Bad Hair Day
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badhair.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badhair.html ">Talk About A Bad Hair
Day</a>
What BITCH Really Means
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bch.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bch.html ">What BITCH Really Means</a>
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
An Indian man spent more than eight years in prison after
being declared innocent, because no-one told him he was
free to go
Pratap Nayak, 28, was cleared by the High Court of the
eastern Indian state of Orissa in 1994.
But, neither officials nor his family didn't bother to
tell him the good news, so he remained in prison, the
Star News channel reports.
Including time spent in jail during his trial, Nayak spent
a total of 14 years in prison.
He said: "No one bothered about me. Not even my own family.
They did not have the money or the interest. Naturally, I
languished in jail."
He was originally sentenced to life imprisonment after
getting caught up in a violent clash between two families in
his village.
In 1994, the court declared Nayak and his five co-accused not
guilty. The other five defendants had already been released
on bail.
But, by the time the judgement was announced, Nayak's lawyer
had died and no-one bothered to inform him or the jail.
After being reunited with his son, Rahas Nayak, said: "How do
I take care of him? We don't get enough to eat ourselves. Had
he completed his education, he would have got a good job by
now. They spoiled his life."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Keli wanted a divorce from Greg.
The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your
husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a
brainless idiot."
"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you
prove all that?"
"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Greg shouted out, "She did too!"
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] T H E W I N N E R I S . . . [||||]
[NBC] plans to air around-the-clock coverage of the 2004 Athens Summer
Olympics... 806 1/2 hours... " (LAT/2/6)
Almost, but not quite, as long as the Academy Awards.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sam and Anni go on their honeymoon, and Sam spends
six hours of the honeymoon night eating Anni's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant.
Suddenly, Sam starts to freak out. He screams,
"Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Sam yells,
"There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck
out of here!"
The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes
the spaghetti away. Anni looks over at Sam, and shaking
her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You
spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Sam says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have
stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
Three Gainesville, Georgia teens trying to rob a food
shop were scared off when the owner hurled a three-pound
ham and started swinging his fists.
"They didn't get anything," said Morris McClure, 61.
"I've worked too hard to give up my money to three punks
like that."
Sheriff Steve Cronic said McClure was attacked after one
of the teens asked for ham.
"I went in the back, and when I came back out two of them
jumped me," McClure said. "They hit me in the head with
something. It hurt like the dickens, but I didn't go down."
McClure says he lobbed the ham, then "got one real good in
the stomach with a left."
With McClure in pursuit, the teenagers fled, along with a
third teenager standing outside the store. They were
arrested shortly after McClure gave police a description.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it
into a bullet.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"ASTRONAUTS ARE A SPECIAL BREED"
The word "hero" is overused, bestowed on athletes, actors,
singers -- even sandwiches. Give money to the library and
you're a hero. Help an old lady across the street and you're
a hero. Turn the radio off during a Britney Spears song and
you're a hero.
The world, it seems, is full of heroes. If someone ever
organized a heroes convention, it would be such a massive
endeavor -- surpassing even the Olympics -- that the
organizer would be deemed a hero.
Every country would send thousands of people to the
convention, leaving millions of others miffed about being
excluded, asking questions such as "Didn't I deliver the
mail every single day? What's more heroic than outrunning a
Chihuahua?"
If I'm certain of one thing about the seven astronauts who
perished in the Columbia space shuttle accident, it's this:
They wouldn't consider themselves heroes. "No," they'd say.
"We were just doing what we love to do. Some people enjoy
going to the bars; we enjoy going to the stars. They like to
get drunk; we like to get high. Really high."
Their humility aside, it takes a special person to be an
astronaut. For one thing, you have to be brilliant. NASA
doesn't launch you into outer space just to look around.
They don't put you up there to send cool email to your
friends: "Hi Anita. Wish you were here. The view is awesome!
I didn't realize the world was so round. And for some
reason, I can't make out the countries. What happened to all
the borders?"
NASA expects you to conduct experiments up there -- and I'm
not talking about the type of experiment you do when you
pour leftover beer on your houseplants. "Ah, just as my
biology teacher said. My fern grows faster with lots of
light -- especially Bud Light."
NASA likes experiments that are somewhat scientific and
preferably above a fourth-grade level. It helps if you have
an advanced degree, especially one in aerospace science. It
also helps if you're a problem-solver, if you don't keep
scratching your head and saying to your crewmates, "This is
rocket science, you know."
To be an astronaut, you also need a great amount of courage,
knowing that you'd be much safer doing another job, such as
selling G-string bikinis in Iran.
You can't be an astronaut if you suffer from acrophobia
(fear of heights), astrophobia (fear of stars and celestial
space), or roomsharephobia (fear of having several
roommates).
I'd be afraid of getting lost in space. I get lost easily.
Just the other day, I got lost in my wife's wardrobe. Had to
use my cell phone to call for help. "Where am I? I'm not
sure. I think I turned left at the shirts, right at the
pants and made a U-turn at the belts. But it's dark in here
and I'm scared. Please come and get me, honey."
The Columbia astronauts knew the risks. They knew that
returning to earth was no guarantee. But they wanted to be
up there, they wanted to conduct their experiments, they
wanted to contribute to human advancement.
Michael Anderson, David Brown, Kalpana Chawla, Laurel Clark,
Rick Husband, William McCool, Ilan Ramon.
Heroes.
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
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ӿ�--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------ӿ�
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