ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Thanks to all of you who sent anniversary greetings my way yesterday...
Purehumour is now over four years old and I love every issue!
I'd just like to bring you up to date on a few things...Judy's Giftshop was
closed for a while...but it has reopened and is bigger and better than ever...
truckloads of new items have been included...please take a look at the
new design and take a look at some of the great deals we have to offer:
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Judy's Giftshop</a>
http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com
wastedwebspace is getting tons of hits...this is a new exciting project that
my son and I have taken on...we are working out a major bug in one section
but the site looks great and is getting rave reviews...take a look:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wastedwebspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
My forums have gone dead...are you trying to tell me that no one has
anything to say anymore? Do I have to beat it out of you? Check out
the forums and get something started:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/ ">Forums</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/
And don't forget to check out my links section too:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/ ">Links</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/
And last but not least...the page that used to get the most amounts of
hits is still out there:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun ">FunStop</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Di Ann, Laura, Stan,
Keli, Barb, Rubin, Gene.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
A whole new year of records to break...over 1000 NEW
records. A section on extreme sports, military techn-
ology, human achievement, heroism, and even an "how-to"
on breaking world records! Buy it now and save up to
70%!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/32.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/32.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The Top 15 Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant
15> Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out
at Radio Shack.
14> Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of
cover story headlines.
13> Dad: now surfs with two remotes
Mom: never complains
12> She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click,
click, and she's out the door.
11> The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
10> Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're
looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked
in the dashboard of your SUV.
9> The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
8> "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
7> Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
6> "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...
I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...
I'm sorry..."
5> Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable
urge to shout your surgeon's name.
4> Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD!
YESSSSSS!!!!
3> In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio
Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
2> Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their
partner... er, never mind.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Side Effect of the New Orgasm Implant...
1> "Now remember, Ms. Elders -- the left nipple is positive and
the right is negative."
Copyright 2002 by Chris White
All rights reserved.
www.topfive.com
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Leonard Pascoe cricketer (dynamic Aussie quick 1977-82)
1950 Peter Gabriel Surrey England, rock vocalist (Genesis, In Your Eyes)
1951 David Naughton Hartford CT, actor (My Sister Sam, Seperate Vacations)
1952 David Puilum Choi Hong Kong, murderer (FBI Most Wanted List)
1952 Ed Gagliardi New York NY, rock bassist (Foreigner-Cold As Ice)
1953 Sharon Wyatt Lebanon TN, actress (Tiffany-General Hospital)
1953 Suleiman Nyambui Tanzanian runner (world record 5k indoor)
1955 Jan de Ligt Dutch saxophonist (I've Got the Bullets)
1955 Scott Smith rock bassist (Loverboy-Get Lucky)
1956 Liam Brady British soccer player
1956 Peter Hook English rock bassist (New Order-Round & Round, Run)
1956 Richard Eden actor (Brick-Santa Barbara, Solar Crisis, Robocop)
1957 Doris King Nashville TN, vocalist (Girls Next Door-Don't Be Cruel)
1957 Thelston Payne cricket wicket-keeper (West Indies 1986)
1958 Mark Fox congas/percussionist (Haircut 100-Nobody's Fool)
1959 Ali Campbell rocker (UB40-Red Red Wine)
1960 Michael Craig rock bassist (Culture Club-Do You Want to Hurt Me)
1960 Kelly McCormick Anaheim CA, diver (Olympics-silver-1984)
1960 Matt Salinger Windsor VT, actor (Captain America, Deadly Deception)
1961 Les Warner rocker (Cult-Fire Woman)
1961 Henry Rollins US vocalist/poet (Black Flagg, Rollins Band)
1961 Kyi Hla Han Yangon, Australasia golfer
1962 Jackie Silva Rio de Janeiro Brazil, volleyballer (Pan Am-bronze)
1963 Roberta Vasquez Los Angeles CA, playmate (November, 1984)
1963 Penelope Ann Miller actress (Awakenings, Chaplin, Freshman)
1964 Evi Strasser Bavaria German, equestrian (Olympics-96)
1965 Stephen Manley Los Angeles CA, actor (Donny-Married the 1st Year)
1965 Kenny Harrison Milwaukee WI, triple jumper
1966 Freedom Williams rock vocalist (C&C Music Factory-Everybody Dance Now)
1966 Tally Chanel Tel Aviv Israel, actress (Warrior Queen)
1967 Melanie Denise Bridges Derry NH, Miss New Hampshire-America (1990)
1967 Bas Roorda soccer player (FC Groningen)
1967 Eddie Pye US baseball infielder (Los Angeles Dodgers)
1968 Matt Mieske US baseball outfielder (Milwaukee Brewers)
1969 Subroto Banerjee cricketer (Indian quickie & Dennis Lillee prot�g�)
.....and on this day in history:
1952 Rocky Marciano defeated Lee Savold for his 39th straight win
1953 A's change name of Shibe Park to Connie Mack Stadium
1954 Furman basketball star Frank Selvy scores 100 points in a game vs
Newberry
1954 Frank Selvey scores 100 points for Furman beating Newberry 149-95
1955 Israel acquires 4 of 7 Dead Sea scrolls
1955 KRCG TV channel 13 in Jefferson City MO (CBS) begins broadcasting
1955 Patty Berg wins LPGA St Petersburg Golf Open
1956 KYW-AM in Philadelphia PA gives calls to WTAM (now WWWE) Cleveland
1957 Southern Christian Leadership Conference organizes in New Orleans
1959 Barbie doll goes on sale
1959 Miro Cardon, premier of Cuba, resigns
1960 "Beg, Borrow or Steal" opens at Martin Beck Theater NYC for 5
performances
1960 "Saratoga" closes at Winter Garden Theater NYC after 80 performances
1960 France performs 1st nuclear test at Reggane Proving Grounds Algeria
1961 Frank Sinatra launches Reprise label under Warner Brothers Records
1961 Soviet Union fires a rocket from Sputnik V to Venus
1965 US female Figure Skating championship won by Peggy Fleming
1965 US male Figure Skating championship won by Gary Visconti
1966 USSR performs nuclear test at Eastern Kazakhstan/Semipalitinsk USSR
1968 US sends 10,500 additional soldiers to Vietnam
1969 Mary Hopkin's Postcard album on Apple is released
1969 Suriname government of Pengel resigns
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet
potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed
to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly
rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception,
Father Kelly."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in
addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
ads at all! Guaranteed!
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
Hey puss, did you get fries with that?
By John Martin
Our cat Vana caught her first mouse yesterday. I would not
have cared so much except I suspected it was a take-away.
"What's wrong with the mice from OUR compost bins?" I ranted
as she played with the little rodent.
Folks, have you ever watched a cat playing with a mouse?
It does not look like much fun for the mouse but the cat has
a great time.
Let the mouse go for a while. Catch it. Let it go some more.
Catch it again. Pick it up in your mouth and show your master
how clever you are. See if he wants to pick it up in his mouth
too. No? Ah, well. Don't know what you are missing. Time to let
the mouse go again and watch it try to scurry away.
More? ...
<a href=" http://johnmartin.actweb.net/vanamouse.html ">Click</a>
http://johnmartin.actweb.net/vanamouse.html
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The
all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of
course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy
Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel."
-Dennis Miller
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
A Set Of Big Berthas
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigberthas.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigberthas.html ">A Set of Big
Berthas</a>
WOW, Now Thats A BIG One
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigone.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigone.html ">WOW, Now Thats A BIG
One</a>
I Am NOT Going To Run Out Of Toilet Paper Again
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigtp.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigtp.html ">I Am NOT Going To Run
Out Of Toilet Paper Again</a>
Cats With Attitude
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cattitude.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cattitude.html ">Cats With Attitude</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar "
..." ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS ! ".
They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they
realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.'
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not
stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each , please." The four men
stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis
are produced with the bartender again saying, ...
...."That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I
always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a
dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front
of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the
bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those are vacationing Canadians.
They're waiting for happy hour."
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
WELCOME TO MINNESOTA, following are a few tips for anyone
moving to this great state...
First, the West Nile fever season here is really short. Ditto,
malaria and any other disease carried by mosquitoes.
At first, you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty!
By December you will feel as if you are living in a black-
and-white movie. And there is a lot of snow! Deep snow!
Deep snow that doesn't go away. The reason Northwest Airlines
paints its tails red is so they can find the damned things.
You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear
that goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear
above the ankle is considered lingerie.
When you pack to come to Minnesota, you need only to bring
one short sleeved shirt (and that's only in case you want to
fly back home for vacation). Short sleeved shirts are handed
down here from generation. The short sleeved shirt season
here begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on
the 28th.
We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches
will kidnap your children before they even start school, so
beware. They'll return them in April. As for baseball we
never know if we have a team or not.
Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, hundreds of thousands
of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest,
and one Krispy Kreme. Guess where everybody wants to go?
And do not call the homicide division to a beer joint because
of what you see behind the bar. That's only a jar of pickled
pig's feet.
Welcome to Minnesota!
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
It's True...you can get paid for doing what you are already doing!
Get Paid to read email:
<a href=" http://www.sendmoreinfo.com/id/9079 ">Click Here</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where
I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would
mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for
my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and
can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving
to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the
sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?"
Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have
a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She
shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Some early Spanish priests, aware of the passion the native people had for
the fruit of this plant and unsure of its powers, assumed they were
aphrodisiacs and warned against consumption. Of course, true to human
nature this only added to the popularity of ___________?
A. Passion fruit
B. Chile pepper
C. Orange
D. Tomato
<Answers in Next Issue!>
09/02
Last Issue's Answers:
Which country pioneered the use of house numbers?
A. France
QQ: In 1463, the numbering of houses was introduced on the Pont Notre-Dame
in Paris, France.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Take The Silicon Boob Challenge
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boobtest.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boobtest.html ">Take The Silicon
Boob Challenge</a>
Bad Class Project
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cactus.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cactus.html ">Bad Class Project</a>
Find the Car
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carfind.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carfind.html ">Find The Car</a>
Get A Cluepon
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cluepon.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cluepon.html ">Get A Cluepon</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A man is walking through the park one day when he
comes across a guy sitting on a park bench crying his
eyes out.
"What's wrong?" asks the passerby, sitting down next
to the crying man.
"I have a twenty-five inch dick," says the sobber.
"So why the are you crying? Most guys would kill
for one that big!" said the confused good samaritan.
"I'm crying," he explains sadly, "because it takes me
a week to get a hard-on."
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
February 13th 2002
This time last year Sale and Pelltier had just been robbed
of the Gold Medal in Figure Skating at the Salt Lake City
Olympics ... at least justice was finally served.
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m802.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m802.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special,
So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France
and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his
dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only
a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to
make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what
she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a
card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic
candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, ...
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." ...
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and ...
with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
I was flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the stewardess
reading the flight safety information had the entire planeload of
passengers looking at each other like "what the ****?".
So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she
said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but
this is most of it.
Before Takeoff....
Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're
going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not
going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of
this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this
plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of
the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would
be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count
the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the
need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have
pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction
of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones
at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop
down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's
oxygen there, I promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask
first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a
moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first,
and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my
own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty
pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened
low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy
thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a
free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on,
let me check what it is.......... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is
'Gone with the Wind'.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't
hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation wouldn't you?
After landing...
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the
bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's
fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please
don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because
shift happens.
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
Win one of 16 $1000 jackpots daily or one of 5 $5000
jackpots on weeknights! Happy hour specials and much
more...all for the taking!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
President Bush launched a PR campaign to improve his image and
popularity. He decided to visit a primary school so he could
explain to the children his policy. After explaining his policy
to them, the president asked the children if they had any
questions. Little Stevie raises his hand and says, "Mr.
President, I have three questions:
"1. How did you have less votes but were still elected president?
"2. Why do you want to attack Iraq with no motive?
"3. Don't you think Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack in
history?"
At that moment, the bell rang and the children ran outside to
play. At the end of the break the children returned and Bush
asked the children if they had any questions. Little Eddie raises
his hand and says, "Mr. President, I have five questions:
"1. How did you have less votes but were still elected president?
"2. Why do you want to attack Iraq with no motive?
"3. Don't you think Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack in
history?
"4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes too early?
"5. Where is Stevie?"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Cosmopolitan, The Married Womans Edition
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cosmo.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cosmo.html ">Cosmopolitan, The
Married Womans Edition</a>
I Knew One Day It Would Finally Happen
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/froze.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/froze.html ">I Knew One Day It Would
Finally Happen</a>
Talk To The Hand
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hand.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hand.html ">Talk To The Hand</a>
A Hard Man Is Good To Find
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hardman2.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hardman2.html ">A Hard Man Is Good
To Find</a>
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A couple with a combined age of 159 have been found guilty
of indecency after having sex in a car near a school.
The man, 85, and woman, 74, were arrested after schoolgirls
in Italy spotted the pair in a rocking car with misted
windows.
When officers arrived at the school at Lanciano they found
the senior citizens in a passionate clinch.
Despite being naked from the waist down, the man managed to
jump out of the car and evade police, but they caught up with
him later after the woman gave his details.
The couple were charged with indecency. Prosecutors described
them as occasional lovers.
A judge gave them a 50 day suspended jail sentence and let them
off with a warning.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down
the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side), and while
facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down
the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was
just doing my job ... being the Ring Bear."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] B I N B I N G E [||||]
The Post Office is granting amnesty to people who return their 20
million missing plastic mail bins, no questions asked. (USA/1/28)
Careful, though. You could be collared for nicking that supermarket
shopping cart you bring them back in.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he
got her fixed.
However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had
identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.
John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A
Spayed Oddity".
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
Heroin buyers are often concerned about the purity of their
purchases. But most of them do not enlist the help of police
officers to test it.
Brian Tippy brought a small bag of white powder he allegedly
purchased to the Yale Police substation in Phelps Gate, Lt.
Michael Patten said. Tippy announced that he had just purchased
what he thought to be heroin and wanted to test its authenticity,
police said.
The good news: The substance tested positive for heroin, Patten
said.
The bad news: Tippy was immediately arrested for narcotics
possession.
But Tippy said the Yale Police report is by no means the whole story
of what happened.
The former Whiffenpoof and current Teacher Preparation Program
participant said he was arrested that morning but that some of the
information in the police report was wrong.
"Something did happen," Tippy said. "But those details aren't
accurate."
To air his side of the story, Tippy hired William F. Dow III, a
prominent local defense attorney.
Reached for comment Dow implied that Tippy's goal in presenting
the drugs to the police might have been to fight crime.
"The last place in the world that a person who intended to illegally
possess drugs would go is to the police and ask them to test that
substance," Dow said. "Sometimes, people who are inexperienced and
want to help out law enforcement don't really understand how things
work."
Tippy's roommate had a similar hypothesis.
"He probably tried to obtain evidence to give to police to catch the
guy who sold him the drugs. He's a boy scout," Leatherwood said,
referring to Tippy's character.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
Locking the truck door.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
Incidents And Accidents
by Kim Burke
Why Chocolate is Better Than a Man
Chocolate is sweet no matter what kind of mood you're in.
Chocolate stimulates endorphin secretion, which leads to euphoria. Every
time.
Chocolate is always predictable yet never boring.
Chocolate doesn't have a preferred position.
Chocolate doesn't care if I weigh 120 pounds or 220 pounds.
Chocolate is cheap and easy but delivers like a King.
Chocolate doesn't talk back.
Chocolate isn't loud and obnoxious.
Chocolate doesn't need to have control.
Chocolate doesn't whine nor have PMS (but is very helpful on those days!).
Chocolate doesn't require the use of the remote control.
Chocolate doesn't feel the need to shoot a deer.
Chocolate doesn't tell me my opinion is incorrect.
Chocolate doesn't steal the covers.
Chocolate doesn't have to explain or convince me of how great it is.
Chocolate is good whether hot or cold.
Chocolate doesn't roll eyes or pout.
Unlike a dog, chocolate cannot get pregnant and have five babies.
A chocolate facial could be a beautiful thing.
Chocolate doesn't play games and isn't into sports YET...Chocolate always
wins.
--
The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book
and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots!
If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in,
there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com.
Kim resides in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot!
Email Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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