ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Well...I just don't get it...a little snow falls on the Eastern US and the
whole
world hears about it...but when temperatures fall to -40C and stay there for
six weeks in Canada...no one gives a damn! Hey don't get me wrong...I feel
for all those folks in the US who are "suffering" from the huge dumping of
snow...but at least you are not freezing to death at the same time...and in
a few days all that snow will begin to melt and life will go on! Meanwhile us
in the frozen tundra of Canada are still gonna be experiencing the cold of
winter no matter what that damn groundhog said! So be thankful for what
you got ... it could always be worse!
Don't forget to check out wastedwebspace! Yeah these sites are a total
waste of space...updates EVERY day as more "great" sites are discovered.
Check out: <a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">Click</a
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Di Ann, The Posens,
Lissa, Keli, Carole, Ron, Greg, SunAmy, Witch, Colorado Kid.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call a 400 lb. woman who likes to fuck men and
women at the same time?
A bisexual built for two.
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
FREE Boxers...for men or women...a pair of boxer shorts
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The
following were some of this year's winning entries......
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 John Hughes director (Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller)
1952 Juice Newton [Judy Cohen], Virginia, singer (Angel of the Morning)
1952 Veronica "Randy" Crawford US vocalist (One Day I'll Fly Away)
1953 Derek Pellicci rock drummer (Little River Band-Help Is On It's Way)
1953 Nico Arzbach rock guitarist/singer (Stampei, Dike)
1953 Robin Bachman Winnipeg, guitarist (Bachman Turner Overdrive-You Ain't
Seen Nothing Yet)
1954 John Travolta Englewood NJ, actor (Welcome Back Kotter, Grease, Pulp
Fiction)
1955 Hunt Block Washington DC, actor (Peter-Knots Landing, Ben
Warren-Guiding Light)
1957 Marita Koch German DR, 400 meter sprinter (Olympics-gold-1980)
1957 Vanna White [Rosich], North Myrtle Beach SC, TV game show hostess
(Wheel of Fortune)
1958 Peter Koech Kiliburani Kenya, 3K steeplechaser (Olympics-silver-1988)
1960 Andy Moog NHL Goalie (Oilers, Bruins, Olympics-Canada-1988)
1960 Greta Scacchi Milan Italy, actress (Coca-Cola Kid, White Mischief)
1960 Roger Wijesuriya cricketer (bowling average 294 in 4 Tests for Sri Lanka)
1961 Alycia Moulton Sacramento CA, tennis star
1962 Gary Reasons NFL linebacker (New York Giants)
1962 Julie Strain Concord CA, actress (Witchcraft IV)
1962 Simon Fletcher NFL linebacker (Denver Broncos)
1963 John Gesek NFL center (Washington Redskins)
1963 Rob Andrew English rugby player
1964 Kevin Tapani Des Moines IA, pitcher (Chicago White Sox, Minnesota Twin)
1964 Lisa Elaine Comshaw Akron OH, actress (Scanner Cop, Lukas' Child)
1964 Matt Dillon New Rochelle NY, actor (Flamingo Kid, Tex, Little
Darlings, Kansas)
1965 Dr Dre [Andre Young], rap singer
1965 Peter Martini journalist
1966 Kris King Bracebridge, NHL left wing (Winnipeg Jets)
1966 Phillip De Freitas cricket pace bowler (in Dominica England 1986-95)
1967 Colin Jackson Cardiff England, 100 meter hurdler (Olympics-silver-1988)
1967 John Valentin Mineola NY, infielder (Boston Red Sox)
1967 Matt Turner US baseball pitcher (Florida Marlins)
1967 Roberto Baggio
1968 Chris McKendry ESPN sportscaster
1968 Molly Ringwald Roseville CA, actress (16 Candles, Pretty in Pink)
1969 Alexander Mogilny Khavarovsk USSR, 1st soviet hockey star to defect to
NHL (Sabres)
1969 Igor Larionov Voskresensk Russia, NHL forward (Team Russia, Detroit)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 "Dance Me a Song" closes at Royale Theater NYC after 35 performances
1951 3 City College of New York basketball players admit to accepting bribes
1951 Nep�l becomes a constitutional monarchy
1951 Netherlands Radio School forms
1952 4th Emmy Awards Red Skelton, Sid Caesar & Imogene Coca win
1953 Premiere of 1st 3-D feature film-"Bwana Devil" (New York NY)
1953 "Bwana Devil", the 1st 3-D movie, opened in New York
1953 "Maggie" opens at National Theater NYC for 5 performances
1953 KOLN TV channel 10 in Lincoln NB (CBS) begins broadcasting
1955 Baghdad Pact signed, making Turkey & Iraq a defense alliance
1960 8th Winter Olympics games open in Squaw Valley CA
1960 Walter O'Malley, Los Angeles Dodger owner, purchases Chavez Ravine for
$494,000
1961 Henk van der Grift becomes world champion skater
1962 France & Algerian Moslems negotiate truce to end 7 year war
1962 Louise Suggs wins LPGA St Petersburg Golf Open
1964 Muriel Resnik's "Any Wednesday" premieres in New York NY
1964 Papandreou government takes power in Greece
1965 27 copper miners die in avalanche, Granduc Mountain British Columbia
1965 Frank Gifford announces his retirement from football for broadcasting
1965 Gambia gains independence from Britain (National Day)
1965 "Fade Out-Fade In" opens at Mark Hellinger Theater NYC for 72
performances
1967 Bob Seagren sets pole vault record at 17'3"
1967 Softball pitcher Eddie Feigner strikes out 6 straight major leaguers
1968 British adopt year-round daylight savings time
1968 David Gilmour joins rock group Pink Floyd
1968 10,000 demonstrators against US in Vietnam War in West-Berlin
1968 10th Winter Olympics games close at Grenoble, France
1969 Doug Walters scores 2nd innings century after 242 in 1st
1969 PLO-attack El-Al plane in Zurich Switzerland
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a
taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his
home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving, at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into
the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket
back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband
put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I
lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I
bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he
even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ads at all! Guaranteed!
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
The Weevil Within
By: Angela Gillaspie
Copyright � February 2003
My kitchen is the heart of my home. It's the one room in the house that I
can walk through without tripping over Hot Wheels, blocks, and underwear.
The rest of my house may look like an F5 tornado ripped through, but my
kitchen is pristine. Any dirt, insect, vermin, or politician found in my
kitchen is immediately removed to ensure my cooking environment is pure.
Last week, I went to the pantry and got a bag of beans. Heading to the
sink, I looked down and saw a ton of tiny beetles crawling over the bag and
my hand. I screamed, threw the bag at the garbage and slapped the bugs off
my hand.
I crept back to the pantry and found hundreds of little cooties having a
party all over my food. Luckily, the baby didn't wake up as I screeched,
"What the--? UGH! Oh LORD! Oh nasty-NASTY!"
More?....
<a href=" http://www.southernangel.com/weevil.html ">Click</a>
http://www.southernangel.com/weevil.html
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"The Internet is an amazing communications tool that's
bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to
sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just
staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around
the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting
at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that
you're hearing."
-Dennis Miller
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
A Womans Nightmare
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nitemare.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nitemare.shtml
">A Womans Nightmare</a>
How Cold Is It?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/howcold.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/howcold.shtml
">How Cold Is It?</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen
mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face
and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your
face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little
distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She
whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved
his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas,
replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
"Are my test results back???
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host gives one of
the two teams a clue, and they have to guess the answer and fill in the
crossword. Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the
celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker." Alice responded for the
team "Pinocchio."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
"Enough was enough!", said Bill the butcher to himself.
It was fifteen years since the pretty, shy young girl
had come into his shop with the news that the baby she
was carrying was his. Bill had agreed to provide her
with free meat until the child was fifteen.
When the child, who was now fifteen, came to collect the
next lot of meat, he said, "You'll be fifteen tomorrow.
You can tell your mother that this is the last lot of
free meat she'll get from me. Then watch the expression
on her face!"
When the boy relayed the message to his mother, she replied,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him that I've had free
groceries and free fruit and vegetables for the last fifteen
years as well, and watch the expression on HIS face!"
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Which civilization created the first known lock?
A. Mayan
B. Roman
C. Chinese
D. Egyptian
<Answers in Next Issue!>
02/02
Last Issue's Answers:
The lack of what food almost brought the Civil War to a halt when Gen.
Ulysses S. Grant sent an urgent message to the War Department saying, "I
will not move my army without _____." The next day, three trainloads were
on their way to the front.
B. Onions
QQ: He wasn't the only commander attached to onions, apparently Captain
Cook wouldn't sail without them either.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Where Would You Rather Live?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bufforfla.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bufforfla.shtml
">Where Would You Rather Live?</a>
Michael Jacksons Next Surgery
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mikesnextsurg.shtml
<a href="
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mikesnextsurg.shtml
">Michael Jacksons Next Surgery</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sitting beside Bill in the bar was the ugliest woman
he had ever laid eyes on; so ugly was she, in fact, that
he refused each and every one of her advances.
After a while, having had one to many, the woman said.
"Y'know, mishter, if I have on more drink I'm really
gonna feel it."
Turning to the woman, Bill said, "T'tell the truth, sister,
if I have one more drink, I prob'ly won't mind."
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
February 18th 2000:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m404.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m404.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!"
The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants. The
woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those." The man argued that the
sign stated that the store sold everything. The woman remarked that
glass pants did not even exist. The man went to his home, and came back
to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly,
"See, I told you that they existed!" The woman said, "At first I thought
you were crazy, but now I see you're nuts!"
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ӿ�
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
[Due to circumstances beyond my control...A Dog's World
is unavailable. It will return shortly with all new installments
in the continuing story.]
Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A sexy blonde walked into the doctor's waiting room and couldn't
find an empty seat anywhere. Finally, she walks over to one
gentleman that was sitting down, and said, "I wonder if I might
trouble you for your seat. You see, I'm pregnant."
The gentleman groaned, coming to his feet and offering the
lady his seat.
As the young lady sat down, the man looked her over and said,
"You know, if you hadn't told me, I never would have guessed
you were pregnant. How far along are you?"
Looking at her watch, she replied, "Oh, about a half an hour!"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Thor (The Greek God of War) was bored one day and was just sitting around
watching the human race. He soon noticed that people spent a lot of time and
energy engaging in sex. He concluded that therefore, sex must be really
enjoyable.
He decided he would go down to Earth and find out what this sex thing was all
about.
He found a nice little lady, took her to a motel, and spent the entire night
with her. It turned out to be the best time he had ever had in his life.
When he awoke in the morning, he felt so good he jumped up, threw his arms up
in victory and shouted, "I'M THOR!".
The little lady, still in bed, responded," You're thore!?! I'm tho thore I
can't even pith!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Speedo
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble3.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble3.shtml
">Speedo</a>
Guess Which Guy Is Left Handed
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/left.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/left.shtml
">Guess Which Guy Is Left Handed</a>
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
You can't deflate your taxes by inflating your chest, a Swedish stripper
learned after a three-year legal battle to deduct the cost of her breast
implants from her income taxes.
An appeals court in Stockholm sided with the latter and ruled the 25-year-old
woman's 26,000 kronor (US $3,000) breast enhancement surgery could not be
deducted from her 1998 income taxes.
The woman, whose name was not released, claimed the "size and shape" of her
breasts were crucial to her income as a stripper. She listed the cost of the
surgery as a business expense and sued the tax authorities when they rejected
her deduction.
In its Jan. 9 ruling, the administrative court of appeal in the Swedish
capital upheld the decision of a lower court, saying the surgery wasn't
commercial, but private.
The woman's defense lawyer, Christer Transby, said Tuesday that the courts
had treated his client unfairly because of her profession. He said other
performers, including opera singers and dancers, were permitted deductions
for different types of cosmetic surgery, although the benefits were more
private than commercial. "She derives absolutely no pleasure from (the
surgery) privately," he said. "It's of 100 percent commercial interest."
Transby said his client had not yet decided whether to appeal.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
What's this?
"Give it here!"
"NO, IT'S MINE!"
"I said let me have it!"
"NO! IT'S MY TURN!"
"Common! Give it to me!"
"NO WAY!"
What is it?
Siamese twins masturbating!
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] G O L - L Y ! [||||]
"The South Carolina governor's mansion in Columbia may have to close
until July because of a $150,000 operating deficit." (USA/2/12)
He's already had to sell most of the aluminum lawn furniture out front.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side.
He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face.
"Mike," she said, weakly.
"Hush, my darling " he interrupted. "don't talk, save your
strength."
But she insisted. "Mike," she continued. "Before I die,
there's something that I have to confess to you."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping husband.
"It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, that I have
been unfaithful to you."
He stroked her hand. "Now, Tina, don't be concerned. I know
all about it," he sobbed.
"You do?" she gasped.
"Sure darling, Why else would I poison you?"
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
An inmate's planned release from the La Crosse County,
Wisconsin Jail was stymied Tuesday because a sheriff's
investigator claimed he found eight bags of cocaine in
the man's rectum.
According to court records, Marcus J. Thomas, 20, of La
Crosse was due to be released after he entered pleas in
four open cases. He had been in jail since Feb. 7.
Before Thomas was released, however, sheriff's investigator
Fritz Leinfelder came looking for drugs.
Leinfelder said he was tipped off that Thomas had eight
rocks of cocaine he was trying to smuggle out of the jail.
Thomas, who was charged Wednesday with one count of possession
of cocaine with intent to deliver, agreed to let the
investigator search him, the complaint said.
Leinfelder said in the complaint that Thomas cooperated fully
until he asked Thomas to lower his jail uniform pants.
Thomas refused and Leinfelder was forced to get a judge to
give him permission to search the lower half of Thomas' body,
according to the complaint.
With a search warrant in hand, Leinfelder continued his search
and reported finding drugs.
Thomas told investigators the drugs were not his and he was only
told to deliver it to a girl who was outside the county jail,
according to the complaint.
Thomas eventually removed eight rocks of cocaine, weighing a
total of 4.5 grams, from his body.
During a court hearing Wednesday, La Crosse County Circuit Judge
Dennis Montabon ordered Thomas held on $10,000 cash bond and
scheduled another court appearance for 1:30 p.m. Friday.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What do you call a jar full of buzzing bees?
An Amish vibrator.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Do You Have Any Michael Johnson?
Whether you're an Olympic-caliber athlete or a weekend warrior, no
longer will the "agony of defeat" refer to the stench coming from your
running shoes. If you're a die-hard Olympic fan who misses the Olympic
Spirit after the flame is extinguished, you're in luck.
The organizers of the Athens Olympics say they have bottled the Olympic
spirit and are selling it in an easy-to-use perfume form.
Olympic organizers asked New York perfumier Elias Erminidis to create
some scents that represent everything the Olympics stand for. But
instead of creating fragrances like "Crass Commercialism" or "If I See
Another Up Close & Personal, I'm Going To Puke," he came up with Fair
Play and Heritage for men, and Participation and Celebration for women.
There was no mention of which fragrance the German women's swimming team
would wear.
Erminidis said in a recent Reuters news story, "I think we have created
modern fragrances with individuality and character."
However, individuality and character are not terms I would use to
describe the names of these perfumes. Instead I would use "overly naive"
and "utterly boring."
Fair Play and Heritage? How about "Not Yet Illegal Performance Enhancing
Substances" or "You Know, The Ancient Greek Olympiads Used To Wrestle
Naked?" Instead of Celebration, how about "A Silver Medal Just Means
You're The Best Loser?"
The fragrances use a combination of sage, laurel, an unnamed spice (I'm
hoping for cayenne), wildflowers, and mint. However, I'm suspicious of
the actual smell of any perfume that claims to capture the spirit of
sweaty men and women running, riding, or swimming under a hot summer
sun.
So what would I offer, if I were an Indiana-based perfume designer who
created fragrances and knew how to pronounce "perfumier?"
First of all, I would pick names that were less bland than watered-down
ketchup. Second, the named and fragrance would capture the true Olympic
spirit and history. So I am proud to offer. . .
"Eau de Marv Albert" - A favorite among Olympic basketball players. When
you just want a scent that Bites Back, spray on a little "Marv" and
whisper to your lover: "Yesssss!"
"Amy van Dyken" - Here's one for the swimmers. This water-resistant
fragrance isn't sprayed out of the bottle -- just press the button and
"Amy" will spit in your path and boast to everyone "Hey, I'm the best."
Of course, it is then overwhelmingly -- and some would say,
humiliatingly -- beaten by Dutch fragrance, "Inge de Bruijn."
"Bela Karolyi #7 "- This scent doesn't just whisper, it bellows and
makes everyone in the room take notice. Often makes the wearer feel they
can accomplish things they normally couldn't. Or shouldn't. Warning: to
avoid turning them into high-strung, overly-sensitive adults, keep
"Karolyi #7" away from small children.
"Jamaican Bobsled Team" - It'll never win a competition, but it's won
the hearts and noses of Olympic fans all over the world. However the
International Olympic Committee will ban it from the perfume line,
saying it's not good enough to be an Olympic fragrance. The same thing
will happen to "Soar Like Eddie the Eagle."
"Rulon Gardner Transpiration" - Nothing says Olympic spirit like two
large, sweaty men clamped in deathlocks and chokeholds, squeezing the
blood, sweat, and tears out of each other. When you want to get
somebody's attention and then slam them to the floor, spray on a little
"Rulon Gardner," and sweep your opponent off their feet. Warning: Don't
confuse "Rulon Gardner" with "Hulk Hogan," which is not really a perfume
at all, but a cheap knock-off.
"La Basher Tonya Harding" and "La Prima Donna Nancy Kerrigan" - It was a
close call. I didn't know whether to include "La Basher" or "La Prima
Donna" in the Olympic fragrance lineup, so I chose both. The crack
designers behind "La Basher" felt a strong kneed -- I mean, need -- to
take a whack at being the top fragrance, but failed miserably. No
matter, since after these Olympics, neither fragrance will be heard from
again.
"Jamie Sale and David Pelletier" - The only "hers and his" combo in this
year's team of fragrances, this duo is a real attention getter. Let's
face it, when you're performing, you want all eyes on you. Whether
you're having a romantic dinner for two, or showing up late at a
friend's wedding, you want to be the center of attention. So when you
feel your 15 minutes of fame slipping away, just spray on a little
"Jamie and David" and soon you'll be a real whiner -- uh, winner, too.
"Juan Antonio Samaranch" - Named after the former International Olympic
Committee President-For-Life, this new scent is a wild and exhilarating
combination of old Olympic favorites, including "Nothing But First-Class
For Me," "Under The Table Donations," and "Old Man Smell."
All fragrances will soon be available on the Laughing Stalk website to
everyone in the world, except the United States, where they will be sold
18 - 24 hours after everyone else has smelled them.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
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