ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Wow...now I have a new topic that I cannot discuss...I have long known that
if I ran a George Bush joke all the Republicans would be on my ass...and if
I dared slip in a Clinton joke all the democrats would be on me like white on
rice...but now take a few shots at the folks in the eastern US who just
happened to find themselves buried under a huge blanket of snow and all
hell breaks loose! Being shut inside your small apartments for a couple of
days has done nothing for your demeanor...you people are just damn nasty!
Face it people...winter happens...snow falls...it melts and life goes on...this
ain't the end of the world! Laugh about it...you may as well because
tomorrow things could be much worse. Now lets see if this could be any
funnier...Bush & Clinton were driving around Washington, DC in a huge
snowstorm when their limo gets stuck .... naw lets not go there!
Don't forget to check out wastedwebspace! Yeah these sites are a total
waste of space...updates EVERY day as more "great" sites are discovered.
Check out: <a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">Click</a
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
Today's issue includes contributions by: Laura, Di Ann, The Posens, Ishy,
Terri, Keli, Ron, Colorado Kid, D.A. Funk, Greg, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
Why did God give men penises ?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
FREE Boxers...for men or women...a pair of boxer shorts
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Why Women Are Cranky....
Why Women Are Cranky
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only
to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming
buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty,
uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap
until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods between 11-13 yrs, or sooner.
Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, cramp,
get the mighty hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between
our legs or, insert tubular packed cotton rods in places we didn't
even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for
the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your
uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up
with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all
the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and
water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over
Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are),
we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily
kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having
Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a
watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the
big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether
Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall
and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain
all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to
die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs..
Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or
10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved
impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the
nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed
10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all
that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into
walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop
machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost
grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime
in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his
somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens
to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you
pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT
and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned
Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and
pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful
than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the
icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods
without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would
make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the
weaker sex."? Yeah right. Bite me.
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Andy Powell rocker (Wishbone Ash)
1951 Stephen Nichols Cincinnati OH, actor (Witchboard, Days of our Lives)
1952 Rudolfo Neri-Vela Chilpancing Mexico, PhD/astronaut (STS 23)
1953 Stephen Nichols Cincinnati OH, actor (Days of our Lives)
1953 Bill Kirchenbauer actor/comedian (Coach-Just the 10 of Us)
1954 Frances Bucholz rocker (Scorpions-Wind of Change)
1954 Jamie West-Oram rock guitarist (Fixx)
1955 Margaux Hemingway Portland OR, actress (Lipstick, They Call Me Bruce)
1955 Jeff Daniels Chelsea MI, actor (Something Wild, Dumb & Dumber, Speed)
1956 George David Low Cleveland OH, astronaut (STS 32, STS 43)
1956 Dave Wakeling rock singer/guitarist
1956 Peter Holsapple rocker (Continental Drifters)
1956 Steve Randell Tasmanian cricket Test umpire (international panel)
1957 Dave "Smoke" Stewart Oakland CA, pitcher (Oakland Athletic)
1957 Falco [John Hoelcel], rock vocalist (Rock Me Amadeus)
1957 Paul Dean guitarist
1960 Holly Johnson England, rock vocalist (Frankie Goes To Hollywood)
1960 Keith Musa[kawukhathi] Zondi South Africa head (Inkatha Youth Brigade)
1960 Prince Andrew Albert Christian Edward, of Britain/Duke of York
1960 Vicki Lynn Lasseter Iola KS, playmate (February 1981)
1962 Alvaro Espinoza Venezuela, baseball shortstop (New York Yankees, New
York Mets)
1962 Hana Mandlikova Prague Czechoslovakia, tennis player (1985 US Open)
1963 Jessica Tuck New York NY, actress (Megan-One Life to Live)
1963 Seal English vocalist/songwriter (Killer, Crazy, Kiss by a Rose)
1964 Doug Aldrich rocker
1965 Andrew Jameson British swimmer
1965 John Commins cricketer (South African Test batsman vs New Zealand
1994-95)
1966 Justine Bateman Rye NY, actress (Mallory-Family Ties, Satisfaction)
1966 Prince Markie D [Mark Morale], rocker (Fat Boys-Jail House Rock)
1966 Matthew Ryan Port Jefferson NY, team handball circle (Olympics-1996)
1966 Paul Haarhuis Eindhoven Netherlands, tennis star (1994 US/Australian
doubles)
1966 Peter Douris Toronto, NHL right wing (Anaheim Mighty Ducks)
1966 William White NFL safety (Kansas City Chiefs, Atlanta Falcons)
1967 Benicio Del Toro Puerto Rico, actor (Licence to Kill, Usual Suspects)
1967 Roel Liefden soccer player (Dordrecht '90, FC Groningen)
1968 Frank Watkins US heavy metal bassist (Obituary, Cause of Death)
1968 Rob Dimaio Calgary, NHL right wing (Philadelphia Flyers)
.....and on this day in history:
1952 French offensive at Hanoi
1953 Georgia approves US 1st literature censorship board
1953 Ted Williams safely crash-lands his damaged Panther jet
1953 William Inge's "Picnic" premieres in New York NY
1954 WAST (now WNYT) TV channel 13 in Albany-Troy NY (NBC) 1st broadcast
1955 South East Asia Collective Defense Treaty goes into effect
1956 Kathy Cornelius wins LPGA St Petersburg Golf Open
1958 Carl Perkins leaves Sun Records for Columbia Records
1959 Gabon adopts its constitution
1959 USAF rocket-powered rail sled attains Mach 4.1 (4970 kph), New Mexico
1959 Britain, Turkey & Greece sign agreement granting Cyprus independence
1960 Bil Keane's "Family Circus" cartoon strip debuts
1960 Protest strike in Poznan Poland
1961 Albania disavows Chinese "Revisionism"
1961 Henk van der Grift (Netherlands) becomes world champion all-around skater
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 USSR informs JFK it's withdrawing several thousand troops from Cuba
1963 Robert Frost wins Bollingen Prize
1964 UK flies � ton of Beatle wigs to US
1965 NFL adds 6th official
1967 Stien Kaiser becomes world champion lady's skater
1968 1st US Teachers strike (Florida)
1969 1st Test flight of Boeing 747 jumbo jet
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
What Men Want
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Oh, wait, you misread it.. Please read
only lines 1,3, and 5
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
Disinfotainment Today
But Then Again
Tens of Bush Supporters Took To the Streets In Support of the President
Doing George Orwell Proud
"An MSNBC.com report on the bin Laden tape carried the following
sentence: 'At the same time, the message also called on Iraqis to rise up
and oust Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, who is a secular leader.' This
clearly confirms the clarity of mind Osama bin Laden displayed in regard to
Saddam Hussein, and conforms to the recorded message heard by millions and
millions of people around the world.
"Less than twenty minutes after this report appeared on MSNBC, that
sentence was deleted from the report. A few intrepid Internet news junkies,
including myself, preserved what is called a 'screen-grab' of the original
article before it was scrubbed. The version of the article currently in
existence has replaced the text above with this far more benign text: 'The
taped statement reflected Saddam, a secular leader, but made it clear that
Saddam was not the immediate target.' A similar story line, bereft of the
portions describing bin Laden's wish that Hussein be killed, has appeared
in virtually every mainstream news media report on the matter."
- William Rivers Pitt -
More?...
<a href=" http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com ">Click</a>
http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"Some women buy dresses that are so ugly and they always say
the same thing: 'This dress looks much better when it's on.'
On what? On fire?"
-Rita Rudner
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
New Hair Loss Hats
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<a href="
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Hair Loss Hats</a>
New Missouri State Quarter
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/missouri.shtml
">New Missouri State Quarter</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Top 15 Rejected Lines From Fairy Tales
Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince from the magical land of
Nantucket who had a trusty broadsword so large that...
And then the Frog said to Princess Elspeth, "What, no tongue?"
So party of the first part and the party of the second part lived
happily -- and legally -- ever after.
The wicked surrogate mother convinced the biological parents to leave
the frozen embryos in the forest, where she planned to conduct stem-
cell research on them.
Cinderella then demanded, "Dude, where's my coach?"
In the lawsuit, Goldilocks accused the three bears of negligence,
claiming that their having left the scalding-hot porridge where it could
easily be stolen led directly to her third-degree tongue burns.
"Yes, Your Highness, it's a very nice slipper -- but do you have
something with a higher heel?"
"Not by the hair of my crotchety-crotch-crotch!"
Sleeping Beauty awoke from her 100-year-slumber, sat up and told the
prince, "Dude, that NyQuil shit is AWESOME."
...and that night, after the princess told him she was going to have his
child, the prince put out to sea, vowing never to return.
And after the prince did slay the mighty dragon, knights from the far-
away land called PETA did hound him the rest of his days.
"Hey, Mr. Building Inspector," shouted the little pig, "if you got a
problem with my straw architecture, you can just blow me."
Then Mama Bear said, "SOMEBODY has been using my... umm... magical
vibrating wand -- and the batteries are all dead!"
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A mother, frustrated at her attempts to get any house work
done with her 8 year old son constantly underfoot, handed
him a bag of M&M's and told him to go outside and play.
An hour or so later, having finished the housework, she went
to the window to check on her son, to find him sitting on the
front steps, the bag of M&M's in one hand and the cat in the
other.
Curious as to what he was doing, she decided to watch for a
minute, only to see her sweet little 8 year old pop a couple of
M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and and move down a step.
Heading for the door to yell at him and ask him just what the
hell he was doing, she saw him repeat the process: Pop a
couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and move down
another step.
She finally made it out the door and, yelling at her son,
asked him what he was doing, to which he replied in his
sweet little 8 year old voice, "I'm playin' trucker, mommy!
Poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!!".
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss.
One day I was in the break room with another manager.
I reached ino the refrigerator for my lunch, which was
packed in a Ace Hardware paper bag.
My co-worker stopped in mid-bite and stared at me,
looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out
of the bag, he sighed in relief.
"What's the matter?" I asked him.
"Uh, nothing," he replied. "I was just beginning to
think you really DO eat nails for lunch."
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to
pull up your zipper, then .... Oh my gosh, you forgot to pull your
zipper down!
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Sometimes something just needs a little more explanation...and thanks
to Vicki ... here is further info on WHY Ulysses S. Grant would not move
until he was delivered his onions:
Eating onions is a guard against scurvy. Citrus fruits were unknown or in
very short supply. Onions were cheap and plentiful.
Thanks Vicki for the extra info.
What was the nationality of the man credited with creating the first
automobile?
A. English
B. French
C. American
D. German
<Answers in Next Issue!>
02/02
Last Issue's Answers:
Which civilization created the first known lock?
D. Egyptian
QQ: The earliest lock in existence is an Egyptian lock made of wood, found
with its key in the ruins of Nineveh, in ancient Assyria. In construction
it is the prototype of the modern cylinder lock.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Sexual Birthday Cake #1
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bcake1.shtml
">Sexual Birthday Cake #1</a>
Sexual Birthday Cake #2
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bcake1.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bcake2.shtml
">Sexual Birthday Cake #2</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered
that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned
the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After
months of cyber and virtual kinkiness, the two decided to
meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe.
Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail
ugly man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.
"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.
"Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You liar! You told me that
you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob spluttered, his face turning
red. "You told me that you were beautiful, blonde, and ...
female!"
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
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Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
February 19th 2002:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m806.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m806.html
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next
to two Marijuana plants.The marijuana plants
are lamenting about being illegal.
The Viagra pills scoff at them. One Marijuana
plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks, "Don't
you think we should be legal?"
"No," said the Viagra pills, "We are hard on drugs."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Sexual Birthday Cake #3
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bcake3.shtml
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Optical Illusion
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/opill.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/opill.shtml
">Optical Illusion</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Okay here ya go ladies...what those men's names really
mean....these will run over the next few issues because it
is really a huge list:
Aron - dumb as dogballs - can't spell for shit.
Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff and
introspective dizziness.
Abdul - cute (but he knows it), charming, very smooth (oily) talker,
usually short and round, obsessed with his hair
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.
Alex - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alistair - homosexual champion, do I really have to explain?
Allan - enjoys martial arts flicks, dreams of being the Karate Kid
and kicking the bully's arse.
Allen - loser. Girls do not dig him, ever.
Alphonse - a prize wog poofter - gay as ... (Obvious isn't it?)
Amir - Dirty, Smelly, Pecker is minuscule.
Andy - boring and has a small pecker.
Andrew - gay and still has a small pecker.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed.
Arnold - loser ... big time!.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Barry - (also known as Bazza) lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is
always pissed.
Bart - unfortunately shares name with popular cartoon character, for this
reason will never score well with chicks.
Basil - named after a herb, likes to smoke a different kind of herb often
crazy.
Ben - funny and can be really difficult to beat at games.
Bernie - fun for a weekend away, can be stiff company.
Bill - all round good guy, women love him.
Blair - knows it all, does not listen when spoken to - full of shit.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him ... but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brennan - not a name, anyone called this does not deserve to get laid.
Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love to spit on him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah - he's
just a naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronson - annoying and never grows up - has an extremely stupid name.
Bruce - stinks like a sheep's arse and thinks everyone else's name is also
Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within
a week.
Burnie - likes to light farts in bed, for this reason never has long term
relationships, ever.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - gets beaten up a lot, dreams of dating the popular girl, it never
happens.
Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex - prize wanker.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very sturdy - only found in Yank wank movies -
no real person has that name.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Charlie - everyone's friend, will pay for alcohol, for this reason everyone
likes him.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, has a huge pecker but can't use it.
Christian - very sexy and seductive but full of shit (think 'Legends of the
Fall').
Clark - thinks he's superman in bed (which is true - he comes faster than a
speeding bullet).
Claude - French guy who can score by simply talking (even reading a menu
will do it) - premature ejaculator.
Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but superficial as buggery.
Clint - no one names their child Clint, except Mr & Mrs Eastwood ... (and
my mum)
Clive - likes the sound of his own voice, everyone hates him.
Col - short, stumpy, balding guy, only ever pulls one very ugly smelly
chick - then marries her.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around, but slow.
Colin - likes to play cricket, never on winning team though.
Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings, plays with himself a lot.
Connor - handsome fella who thinks he always looks good naked.
Cory - funny but ugly as shit, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - likes to pretend to be Tarzan in bed, but can't find Jane ends up
settling for Cheetah the Chimp, or Goofy , or Pluto or ....
Cyril - well ... , hmmm ... sedentary limp-wristed ...and all that cums
with it.
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted
his proposal of marriage because he was super-sensitive about
his wooden leg and very much afraid no one would have him. In
fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fianc�e' about
his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she
bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for
you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at
last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you
promised me a BIG surprise," said the bride, with anticipation
evident in her voice.
Terrified to say anything, Harry turned out the lights, carefully
and quietly unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and
placed his wife's hand on the now nude stump.
Harry felt her flinch and the she said softly, "Hmm, that IS a
surprise. But pass me the new tube of K-Y Jelly and I'll see
what I can do!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
The Unknown Marx Brother
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon4a.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon4a.shtml
">The Unknown Marx Brother</a>
Dubya and A Can of Whoopass
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whoopass.shtml
">Dubya And A Can of Whoopass</a>
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A fast food restaurant in North Carolina has renamed its
french fries in protest at the French stance on Iraq.
Neal Rowland, the owner of Cubbie's restaurant in Beaufort,
said he now serves freedom fries.
He says he isn't doing it to offend French people but as a
show of support for the President Bush and US trooops.
A sign in the restaurant's window says: "Because of Cubbie's
support for our troops, we no longer serve french fries. We
now serve freedom fries."
Neal said: "It's our way of showing our patriotic pride."
He said the switch from french fries to freedom fries came to
mind after a conversation about World War I when anti-German
sentiment prompted Americans to rename foods like sauerkraut
and frankfurter to liberty cabbage and hot dog.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Tom thought he would give his wife Sarah a birthday
surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop,
rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help
him.
"What color?" they asked.
He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" Tom asked.
"Twenty-four dollars." said one of the salesgirls.
"Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the
size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir," asked the other salesgirl, "are they the size a pair of
melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," Tom said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think." she said, "There must be something your wife's bust
resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Eggs, yeah eggs,
they're the size of eggs, fried."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] Rx M U R D E R [||||]
"The federal appeals court in St. Louis ruled on Monday that officials
in Arkansas can force a prisoner on death row to take anti-psychotic
medications to make him sane enougth to execute." (LAD/2/11)
A flu shot might not be a bad idea, either. Lot of it going around.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A
group of them got together and approached a conference of
Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on
this matter.
An American replied, "You must do something so the world
will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology
and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We
Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War
against the other two. See, you need to do something world-
famous."
A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a
place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared
build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize
it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They
designed it and worked six months and finally completed
it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge
was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in
the middle of the Sahara Desert.
An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your
reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle
of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more
strategicspot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One
of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to
dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is
amazing!!"
To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When
we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because
there were all these Italians fishing off it."
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
Stephen Richard Hughes has had his wings clipped after
waving his arms around and shouting "It's a bomb! It's
a bomb!" at the Qantas terminal in Auckland.
The 37-year-old industrial broker had been drinking with
a colleague before checking in for a flight home to
Christchurch on October 23.
A Qantas staff member asked him all the safety questions
that have now become standard, concerning sharp objects
and dangerous items in his luggage.
That was when he made his bomb remarks, thinking of them
at the time as a throw-away line.
He apologised for making such a "silly comment", but it
was too late.
The episode set these events in motion:
He was held at the airport for three hours while he was
searched, and a bomb dog was brought in to check his bags.
The dog found nothing.
He missed his flight, and forfeited his $300 Qantas ticket.
He had to pay for a night's accommodation in Auckland, and
then had to buy a $420 Air New Zealand ticket next day.
He has been banned indefinitely from flying Qantas. That
imposes some serious limitations because of the amount of
travelling he does as part of his work.
He was charged with "communicating false information affecting
the safety of an aircraft".
When he appeared before Judge Geoffrey Rea in the Christchurch
District Court yesterday, he pleaded guilty to the charge.
Defence counsel Simon Clay said the Australian consul's office
would not commit itself when it was asked what effect the
conviction would have on his ability to travel to Australia.
Mr Clay urged that Hughes be discharged without conviction, but
Judge Rea declined, saying that a discharge would "send the
wrong message".
"It is the wrong time to be playing jokes of this sort at other
people's expense," he said.
He convicted Hughes and fined him $2000.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"A HEALTHCARE SYSTEM THAT NEEDS TREATMENT"
My wife and I recently took our baby girl, Lekha, to a
hospital emergency room. It was the middle of the night and
we couldn't get her to stop crying, so we thought something
was seriously wrong. Forgive us, we're first-time parents
and our imaginations tend to run wild. Did she swallow a
loose thread in her blanket? Is she too young to eat fiber?
Will it leave her stomach in a knot?
We thought we'd find answers at the hospital, but we'd have
been better off taking Lekha to our mechanic. Not that the
doctor didn't try. He checked her pulse and pressure, even
took X-rays. After Lekha had calmed down, the doctor
shrugged and said, "Perhaps it was gas," a diagnosis that
sounded eerily similar to a recent one from our mechanic.
Lekha didn't cry on the way home, but I burst into tears,
realizing we had been blessed, beyond doubt, with another
hospital bill. Despite having health insurance, we'd have to
cough up $115. That's because our health plan is called
"managed care" and we're never quite sure when our insurance
company will manage to care. Some hospital visits are fully
covered, others are not, and to figure it out, you need a
degree in quantum physics.
Even so, we're thankful we have health insurance, for we
know that so many people don't. In this rich and powerful
country, a shameful 41 million lack health insurance,
according to 2001 Census Bureau figures. The ailing
healthcare system is further burdened by millions of illegal
aliens who can't afford hospital visits, not to mention all
the money that's being spent on Dick Cheney's heart attacks.
Bill and Hillary Clinton tried to fix the system, but the
only thing they managed to fix was their cat. Thankfully,
President Bush seems just as concerned about America's
health.
Reporter: "Mr. President, would you please explain your
health plan?"
Bush: "Well, it has three important components. First and
foremost, we must eliminate the primary threat to our
health, a threat known to everyone as Saddam Hussein. He is
a cancer on our nation. We must operate on him as soon as
possible. Second, we must make a commitment to rid the world
of weapons of mass destruction, especially the ones that
don't belong to us. As long as such weapons exist, our
health is at risk. And finally, we must provide tax cuts for
ordinary Americans such as Ted Turner and Bill Gates.
Without tax relief, they will never be able to feel healthy.
As the old saying goes, wealth is health."
Unless you're one of the 41 million who lack health
insurance, it's easy to believe that overhauling the
healthcare system isn't as important as, say, providing
government funds for a scientific study to determine why
monkeys scratch themselves. After all, the study might have
a huge impact on our understanding of baseball.
Unless you're one of the unlucky ones, you may believe that
only certain classes of people deserve health coverage, the
ones who need it the least, the ones who drive around in
Jaguars and BMWs, saying, "Who cares about America's health
system? We've got a great wealth system."
Unless you're one of the unlucky ones, you may even believe
that hospitals are cheap, doctors are underpaid, and Santa
Claus delivers prescription drugs.
"Merry Christmas! Anybody want some Prozac? It'll make you
forget you have no health insurance!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
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