This was sent to me by one of my friends at my school.
Enjoy!!
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>From a questionnaire on journalistic ethics: "If you had the choice of saving President Clinton from drowning or taking a prize-winning photograph, what type of film would you use?"
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A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have
a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the
cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.
>From a questionnaire on journalistic ethics: "If you had the choice of saving President Clinton from drowning or taking a prize-winning photograph, what type of film would you use?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have
a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the
cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.
--------------------
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Anyway, one day he went to sleep but awoke in his bathtub full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and there was a note on the mirror that said "Call 911!"
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive because HE HAD opened the e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew this wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer working on software to save the world from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus/Mrs. Field's cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
(This is true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, in addition to the free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor guy then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin slot he jabbed his finger on an HIV infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually, where the little boy dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of
x's and o's in the shape of an angel
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Anyway, one day he went to sleep but awoke in his bathtub full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and there was a note on the mirror that said "Call 911!"
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive because HE HAD opened the e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew this wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer working on software to save the world from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus/Mrs. Field's cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
(This is true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, in addition to the free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor guy then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin slot he jabbed his finger on an HIV infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually, where the little boy dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of
x's and o's in the shape of an angel
So anyway, my friend's neighbor tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his headlights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
And by the way, it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
Sayings that should be on buttons:
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitta patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitta patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
--------------------------------
Read on only if you dare
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a
spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a
spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
---------------------------
VIRUS ALERT
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your Yoo-Hoo.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 or Windows98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will drink all your Yoo-Hoo.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 or Windows98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk
.It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell
like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
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Ya know, dis sounds like da Wes' Side o' Charlston, WV
Edition...
BROOKLYN VERSION OF WINDOWS 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a
floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch', My Computer is called 'My 'Hood', Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas', Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board', Hard Drive is referred to as 'da
trunk', and.... Floppies are them 'little plastic disc tings'.
OTHER FEATURES:
Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Graffiti.
OK = do it I tell ya
Cancel = heck no
Reset = dis is ya last chance
Yes = akay
No = na
Find = turn dis place ova
Insert = stick it in dere
Delete = rub it out
Help = can I get some help here
Stop = ya betta quit it
Start = let's get a move on
Settings = da Fix
Programs = stuff
Documents = stuff dat I already done
Also note that Windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:
Secretary......A word processor
Pitcha maker...a Graphics program
Numbers........calculator
Scratch paper..notepad
Boom-box.......CD player
Da Web.........Microsoft Explorer
pitchas........A graphics viewer
IRS............M/S accounting software
Bookie.........Race track records tax records; usually an empty file
Graffiti.......screen saver Red Light District.......Internet connection
Vinni's........Discount computer repairs
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version=.
Bonnie PaulHDD Sales & Support, Office Manager Storage Systems Division
Phone T/L 276-9401; 408-256-9401; Fax 408-256-2793
IBMUSM50(BPAUL) Internet: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
BROOKLYN VERSION OF WINDOWS 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a
floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch', My Computer is called 'My 'Hood', Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas', Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board', Hard Drive is referred to as 'da
trunk', and.... Floppies are them 'little plastic disc tings'.
OTHER FEATURES:
Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Graffiti.
OK = do it I tell ya
Cancel = heck no
Reset = dis is ya last chance
Yes = akay
No = na
Find = turn dis place ova
Insert = stick it in dere
Delete = rub it out
Help = can I get some help here
Stop = ya betta quit it
Start = let's get a move on
Settings = da Fix
Programs = stuff
Documents = stuff dat I already done
Also note that Windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:
Secretary......A word processor
Pitcha maker...a Graphics program
Numbers........calculator
Scratch paper..notepad
Boom-box.......CD player
Da Web.........Microsoft Explorer
pitchas........A graphics viewer
IRS............M/S accounting software
Bookie.........Race track records tax records; usually an empty file
Graffiti.......screen saver Red Light District.......Internet connection
Vinni's........Discount computer repairs
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version=.
Bonnie PaulHDD Sales & Support, Office Manager Storage Systems Division
Phone T/L 276-9401; 408-256-9401; Fax 408-256-2793
IBMUSM50(BPAUL) Internet: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
