L&I Thursday Jokes
Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
JUDGE JUDY FOR INDEPENDENT COUNSEL OF ZIPPERGATE !!!
Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile
house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over
the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he cant get them
back in their cages. Finally he says, Quick, call a lawyer!
A lawyer? Why??
We need someone who speaks their langauge!
---
The Top 16 Ways to Celebrate Spring Internationally
16> RUSSIA: Get off the mile-long line for firewood; get in the
mile-long line for umbrellas.
15> HOLLAND: Annual Easter Clog Toss ("Watch out, Hans!")
14> VATICAN CITY: The Pope presides over the ceremonial casting
out the first sinner.
13> ISRAEL: Throw cute little stuffed animals filled with rocks
at the Palestinians.
12> LIECHTENSTEIN: Send annual "we're still a country" notification
to the U.N.
11> CHERNOBYL: Night Parade Of the Glow-In-The-Dark Chickens
10> JAKARTA: Child-Labor Factory #4 switches from making Kathie Lee
scarves to Nike running shoes.
9> TEHRAN: Can now attend "Death to America" rally in shorts.
8> BAGHDAD: Before inspectors begin their hunt, replace anthrax
eggs with slightly less nauseating Cadbury eggs.
7> PRAGUE: Tank tops (with real tanks).
6> TOKYO: Godzilla turns his fancy from a path of destruction to
thoughts of love.
5> FRANCE: French Army stocks up on white flags at annual White
Sale.
4> ENGLAND: Leichester Larry comes out of his flat and smiles.
If any teeth are straight, 6 more weeks of rain -- otherwise,
5.5 more weeks of rain.
3> IRELAND: Swimsuit issue of "Soccer Hooligan Illustrated" hits
newsstands.
2> BOSNIA: Annual switch to "Daylight Bombing Time" requires
setting your quality of life back another decade.
and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Spring Internationally...
1> GERMANY: Order the flowers to bloom.
The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again,
but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt?
That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. Why don't you go to the mall with me
and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
4. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
3. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
2. We never talk anymore.
1. Yes, Dogbyte: You may date my daughter!
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean "today's our anniversary"?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical?
I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions,
I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale,
300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
---
TOP ELEVEN DOG AND CAT CHARACTERISTICS
==
11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to
you.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on
your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will
quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats
might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a
three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their
own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work.
Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and
walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will
yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay
for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
---
Top 10 Benefits From a White House Internship:
10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great
8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan ``Rock the Vote''
7. Observe the President's commitment to young
people first
hand
6. Learn intricacies of statutory ra
L&I Thursday Jokes
Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes: The Top 15 Movie Quotes We'd Like to See (Part I) 15> "Wait. Why don't we look for a campground that isn't plagued by a homicidal maniac?" 14> "Oh come on Clarisse, just a nibble?" 13> "That's great, Will. Now solve *this* equation: How many times does a toilet have to back up before the whole damn math building stinks?" 12> "The truth? You can't handle the truth -- You're a freakin' Scientologist!" 11> "Since there's ten of us surrounding Mr. Van Damme, let's attack him one at a time... it just makes sense." 10> "Dad, can I borrow the Death Star tonight?" 9> "Okay Jack, I will. But only because we're probably gonna be dead in an hour." 8> "He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel fear, or pain, or remorse. And until he is found guilty of *something*, there's no stopping the Clintonator!" 7> "The name's Jeremy... Ron Jeremy." 6> "Mrs. Robinson, promise me you'll never discuss this with the Independent Counsel." 5> "You know, Sally, rather than waste that talent in a deli, why don't we open a phone sex line?" 4> "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that without MS PodBay 2.1." 3> "Wardrobe! See if you can find Ms. Stone some panties." 2> "Thelma, I think we missed our turn." and the Number 1 Movie Quote We'd Like to See... 1> "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendsh... Hey!! Get your hand off my ass!" -- Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?" The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." -- Top 47 Oxymorons --- 47. Act naturally 46. Found missing 45. Resident alien 44. Advanced BASIC 43. Genuine imitation 42. Airline Food 41. Good grief 40. Same difference 39. Almost exactly 38. Government organization 37. Sanitary landfill 36. Alone together 35. Legally drunk 34. Silent scream 33. American history 32. Living dead 31. Small crowd 30. Business ethics 29. Soft rock 28. Butt Head 27. Military Intelligence 26. Software documentation 25. New York culture 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 09. Political science 08. Tight slacks 07. Definite maybe 06. Pretty ugly 05. Twelve-ounce pound cake 04. Diet ice cream 03. Working vacation 02. Exact estimate And the Number one top OXY-Moron 01. Microsoft Works --- You Always Remember Your First! I remember my first ISP. You always remember your first. Halcyon.com in Seattle. So quick, so light, so ... responsive. She was never too busy for me. It felt almost wrong, we were both so young. But how can love be wrong? It was a magical time. Then we were ripped apart. I moved to Boulder, for a job. How many relationships have been ruined by money? We tried to pretend at first, we told each other that nothing would change, it would just be a long distance relationship. But I couldn't afford the phone bills, and there was the time zone difference. So we had to face reality, and parted ways. I soon discovered that I can't bear to be alone. There was an emptiness in my life. I tried reading the Halcyon newsgroups from work, but of course I was blocked. Probably best, it was an unhealthy thing to do. What was next, fly to Seattle and stand outside the POP, in the rain? I searched the yellow pages, hoping I could find a relationship that way. But I was fearful. What if long distance got in the way again? Then I found what I thought I needed. Netcom. They were everywhere! I could travel, or change jobs, and never be without my provider. And they wanted me. They told me so, right on the phone. It was a relief, but looking back I'm sure it was a rebound relationship. And I kept getting mixed signals from Netcom, busy signals. She said she wanted me, but at the same time she implied that she wouldn't be creating any new shell accounts. But a shell account was the foundation of our relationship. I felt insecure, I couldn't be sure sh
L&I Thursday Jokes
Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes: A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them." "What?? You did???" "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card." --- The Kingdom of Peecee In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good. And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace. But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was wrathful. So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad. So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would get it right this time, yet they did not. Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and, his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw it was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell. And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land. And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificent version made, and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard. Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And came the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him innocent, mostly. And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone before, set about building a great Hype. Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number. As the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great city. And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy. Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and come even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill. And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of Next Time. = Top Ten Other Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of the White House =- 10. Ask Hillary, "So which number mistress are you?" 9. Tell President he looks even more dishonest in person. 8. Press button that summons the late Dwight Eisenhower. 7. Scream at tour guide, "White House? I thought we were going to White Castle?" 6. Ask what number President Hugh Downs was. 5. Deface President's life-size statue of Ronald McDonald. 4. Ask Secretary of the Navy, "What's happenin', Popeye?" 3. Request a refill on your thousand dollar cup of coffee. 2. Say to guard, "Hi, I'm the President's brother, Roger..." 1. Chan
