[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner (NonBama)
*Sunday School* The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday? Why Yes, that would be nice, the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of Alabama. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, Would you like a cocktail before dinner? Oh, no, said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class? Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, Would you like a smoke? Oh my, goodness no, said the woman I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did? Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, Ahhh ... how would you like to stop at this motel? Sure, that would be nice, she said with anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, What the heck have I done? He shook her awake and pleaded, I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class? The lady said, The same thing I always tell them, You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!! . . . . . . . . . . . . *What A Coincidence* A chicken farmer went into a local watering hole and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! He replied, What a coincidence! This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating! said the woman. What a coincidence, said the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, What are you celebrating? My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! What a coincidence. said the man. I'm a chicken farmer. For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile. That's great! says the woman, How did your chickens become fertile? I switched cocks, he replied. What a coincidence, she said. . . . . . . . . . . . . Have A Nice Easter - Cheers -vo- ___ RTF mailing list RTF@rolltidefan.net http://rolltidefan.net/mailman/listinfo/rtf_rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
Subject: Car Problems... Texas A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, It's your fuel pump. The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. Who said that? he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again. Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. Gimme a large whiskey, please! he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost! It's unbelievable, the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse? The man replied to the affirmative. Yes, it was! Am I crazy? No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky, said the rancher, because the black horse don't know shit about cars! . . . . . . . . . . I'm tired of Groaners and Politics... It's time for *ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE FOOTBALL* !! RollTideRoll - Cheers -vo- http://community.webtv.net/TIDE1/RIPfatfill __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBAMA)
The two little old ladies had been very longtime close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here? Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend. Mrs. Murphy said, Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it. Mrs. Cohen said, After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs. Mrs. Murphy said, For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen. Mrs. Cohen said, And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, Good for you! So what do you do? We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below. Mrs. Cohen said, Yes? And then? Mrs. Murphy said, Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck. . . . . . . . . . . I'm tired of politics and TGIF Groaners... It's time for *BAMA Football*... RollTideRoll -vo- http://community.webtv.net/TIDE1/RIPfatfill __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
RE: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBAMA)
BWHAAA!!! -Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Friday, August 06, 2004 5:09 AM To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Subject: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBAMA) The two little old ladies had been very longtime close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here? Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend. Mrs. Murphy said, Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it. Mrs. Cohen said, After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs. Mrs. Murphy said, For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen. Mrs. Cohen said, And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, Good for you! So what do you do? We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below. Mrs. Cohen said, Yes? And then? Mrs. Murphy said, Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck. . . . . . . . . . . I'm tired of politics and TGIF Groaners... It's time for *BAMA Football*... RollTideRoll -vo- http://community.webtv.net/TIDE1/RIPfatfill __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
Subject: 20 When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. How long will Ralph be on crutches? the wife asked anxiously. Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor. Well, you ARE going to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you? . . . . . . . . . . Cheers... -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
THE VIBRATOR As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, What in the world are you doing? The daughter replied,Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone. The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone. A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, What the hell are you doing? The husband replied, I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law. ... RollTideRoll - It won't be long... Cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
Posting 2 super losers today... Cheers -vo- The Honolulu Police Department received reports of illegal *cockfights* being held in the Ewa area and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Chang to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. Get tree main groups in da cock-fightin hui, he began. Good work. Who are they? the sergeant asked. Chang replied confidently, Get haoles, Portagees, and da Syndicate. Puzzled, the sergeant asked, How did you find that out in one night? Wuz easy cuz, he replied, I wen' Ewa side and watched da cock fight. Could tell had haoles when *one duck* was entered in da fight. The sergeant nodded, I'll buy that. But what about the others? Chang intoned knowingly, Well, I feegured we get Portagees when someone wen' bet on da duck. Ah, yes, said the sergeant, And how did you deduce the *Syndicate* was involved? Da duck won. !!! QUICK LUBE The increased use of *Viagra by seniors* created the demand for a *sexual lubricant* to address the special needs of that market. The makers of K-Y were quick to develop one which they marketed as, OIL OF OLD LAY. http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
Just one more drink... A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swp! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swp! Swp! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swp! Swp! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then to the right right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... That boy should have quit while he was a head. cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
Re: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
LOL That is just corny enough to appeal to my warped sense of humor. Joe The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false. --Paul Johnson - Original Message - From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Friday, April 30, 2004 10:25 AM Subject: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama) Just one more drink... A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swp! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swp! Swp! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swp! Swp! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then to the right right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... That boy should have quit while he was a head. cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
Re: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. Can you tackle? asked the coach. Watch this, said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. Wow, said the coach. I'm impressed. Can you run? Of course I can run, said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. Great! enthused the coach. But can you pass a football? The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. Well, sir, he said, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it. The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false. --Paul Johnson - Original Message - From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Friday, April 30, 2004 10:25 AM Subject: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama) Just one more drink... A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swp! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swp! Swp! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swp! Swp! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then to the right right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... That boy should have quit while he was a head. cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
Re: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
The Top 20 Things You Hear On A Football Broadcast That Sound Dirty, But Aren't 20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. 18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow 17. It's a game of inches. 16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 15. When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it. 14. He's gonna feel that one tommorow. 13. He found his tight end. 12. End around 11. He had to stretch to get it in 10. He's got great hands 9. He blows them off (at the line) 8. He bangs it in 7. He could go all the way 6. He gets it off just in time 5. He goes deep 4. He found a hole and slid through it 3. He pounds it in 2. He beats them off (the line) And the number one thing that sounds dirty, but isn't 1.. He gets penetration into the backfield The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false. --Paul Johnson - Original Message - From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Friday, April 30, 2004 10:25 AM Subject: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama) Just one more drink... A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swp! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swp! Swp! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swp! Swp! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then to the right right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... That boy should have quit while he was a head. cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (NonBama)
His Wife Did His Best Friend A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp. Wow, said the bartender. Something bad must have happened. I came home early today, answered the guy. I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend. The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. This one's on the house. The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, Did you say anything to your wife? The guy answered, Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her. What about your friend? asked the bartender. I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!' Woof, woof... cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
Re: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (NonBama)
I missed 2,3, and 7Jamie No *stupid joke Groaner* today - BUT - Take the following Quiz and you may GROAN... Subject: Quiz ... kind of tough? 1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the: participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? 5. What fruit has its seeds! on the outside? 6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them. 8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? 9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers? 10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--a walk--is one way. Name the other six. 11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? 12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that! begin with the letter S. : : : Answers To Quiz 1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? Boxing. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? Baseball. 5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? Strawberry. 6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. 7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. 8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 9. Where are the lakes that are referred to ! in the Los Angeles Lakers? In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west. 10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--a walk--is one way. Name the other six. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. 11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? Lettuce. 12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter S. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. ... Did you Groan? cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
Re: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (NonBama)
And I'm not sure what a passed ball is, so I didn't get all of 10Jamie No *stupid joke Groaner* today - BUT - Take the following Quiz and you may GROAN... Subject: Quiz ... kind of tough? 1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the: participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? 5. What fruit has its seeds! on the outside? 6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them. 8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? 9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers? 10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--a walk--is one way. Name the other six. 11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? 12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that! begin with the letter S. : : : Answers To Quiz 1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? Boxing. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? Baseball. 5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? Strawberry. 6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. 7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. 8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 9. Where are the lakes that are referred to ! in the Los Angeles Lakers? In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west. 10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--a walk--is one way. Name the other six. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. 11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? Lettuce. 12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter S. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. ... Did you Groan? cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (NonBama)
No *stupid joke Groaner* today - BUT - Take the following Quiz and you may GROAN... Subject: Quiz ... kind of tough? 1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the: participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? 5. What fruit has its seeds! on the outside? 6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them. 8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? 9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers? 10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--a walk--is one way. Name the other six. 11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? 12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that! begin with the letter S. : : : Answers To Quiz 1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? Boxing. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? Baseball. 5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? Strawberry. 6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. 7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. 8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 9. Where are the lakes that are referred to ! in the Los Angeles Lakers? In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west. 10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--a walk--is one way. Name the other six. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. 11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? Lettuce. 12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter S. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. ... Did you Groan? cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
Today, our beauty is a ReRun from waaay back... A great new software announcement. This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before. I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say Here, stick this in MYASS. This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS. cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
These 2 are so gOOd you can't stand them!! At the Cemetery A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? The first man approached him and said, Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...My wife's first husband! .. Having a bad, bbaaa day? Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing? I'm listening to the music of the tree. You gotta be kiddin me. No ,would you like to give it a try? Well, OK... So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him butt naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked, What the hell happened to you? He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but as he was telling his story the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says. This just ain't your day... Now those 2 are really bAd !!! cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
And our beauty for today is The Wrestling Match... A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said we've done our reasearch on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished! The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before! The wrestler answered, Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this big pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. So, the trainer exclaimed, that finished him off, did it? No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls! cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
2 more - 2 day... Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. I'm just an ordinary man, he said, walking up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother. (When will men EVER learn?) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A mother was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
2 Groaners 4 Today .. RANCHING A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian, and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows. Wow, says the banker. What did the vet do to that bull? Just gave him some pills, replies the farmer. What kind of pills? asks the banker. I don't know, says the smiling farmer, but they sort of taste like peppermint. READING Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Fcuknig amzanig huh? ... cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
A Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's her turn to buy a round, she tells him of a wonderful new drink that he simply must try. She returns with the usual lager for herself but for him she has two glasses and a salt shaker. One glass contains a measure of Baileys, the other has lime juice. Okay, what you have to do is put a large pinch of salt on your tongue, swig the Baileys, hold it in your mouth and then drink the lime juice? He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the salt...fine, he handles that. Next the Baileys...lovely, smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.a bit odd with the salt though. Then he takes the lime juice. + 1 second = the cream in the Baileys curdles... + 3 seconds = Boyfriend's face turns the colour of the lime juice... + 6 seconds = Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge... + 8 seconds = She whispers in his ear It's called Blowjobs Revenge? Oh deer, oh deer!! cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
UNION HOUSE A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, Is this a union house? No, she replied, I'm sorry it isn't. Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get? The house gets $80 and the girls get $20, she answered. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules. The man asked, And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get? The girls get $80 and the house gets $20. That's more like it! the union man said He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her, he said. I'm sure you would, sir, said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next. cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
Re: [RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (nonBama)
VO, I love that picture of the Eagle - Original Message - From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] cheers -vo- http://community-2.webtv.net/TIDE1/SOLDIER/ __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (NonBAMA)
Have A Nice Flight As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination. Tom sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman? Yes, said the attendant, In fact, this entire crew is female. My God, said Joe, I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit! That's another thing sir, said the attendant, We no longer call it the cock pit. Now we refer to it as the box office. *Geronimo* - cheers -vo- __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (NonBama)
Man from Texas A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls? The guy in the Rolls says, Yes, of course I do. I got one too... see? the Texan says. Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice. You got a fax machine? asks the Texan. Why, actually, yes, I do. I do too! See? It's right here! brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, So, do you have a double bed in back there? The guy in the Rolls replies, NO! Do you? Yep, got my double bed right in back here, the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, Hey, remember me? Yeah, yeah, I remember you, replies the Texan, What's up? Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls. The Texan exclaims, YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT? cheers -vo- __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
[RollTideFan] TGIF Groaner - (NonBAMA)
A HORSE IN THE BAR' A man walked into a bar, sat down at the far end and had a drink. He noticed there was a horse in the back of the bar room with a big pot of money on the floor in front of it. What's up with that? He asked the bartender, pointing at the horse. You gotta put a dollar in the pot, explained the bartender,if you can make the horse laugh, you collect the pot. The man walked over to the horse, dropped a dollar into the pot, and whispered into it's ear. The horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. So the man picked up the pot and walked out. Five years later the same man came into the bar, and saw the same horse, with another big pot of money in front of it. The bartender recognized the man and noticed him looking at the horse in anticipation. It's not so easy now...this time you gotta make him cry. he said. The man walked over to the horse and whispered in its ear, and from behind, in the shadows, appeared to pull something out of his pocket and showed the horse. The horse fell to its knees sobbing as though its heart was breaking. The man picked up the pot and was walking out the door when the bartender stopped him. Hey! At least you can tell us what you told him! Easy, said the man. The last time, I told him my thingy is bigger than his. This time I showed him. After 2 pots of money, I haven't dared to go back! RTR - cheers -vo- __ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net
