On Tue, Dec 1, 2009 at 10:40 AM, Shoba Narayan <[email protected]>wrote:
> > I so agree. As a repat or cowpat, I have little patience with the whining > about how hard it is to assimilate back home. Shoba and others....this problem of having "little patience" is one I'd like to address. First, let me clarify...I've never had to "settle" abroad or back home. The point I want to make is...that different people have different experiences. Some people are are able to overcome whatever hurdles they've faced...through a combination of attitude, good luck, whatever. Others...are troubled by these difficulties. So...just because *I* have overcome *my* obstacles, why must it be that the other person's troubles are trivial and their complaints are "whining"? Can it not be that these people have faced different circumstances, had different ideas, and that their difficulties are quite genuine? Why must we have "little patience" with others whose experiences are different from our own? I find this strange phenomenon with ...eg...paraplegics and cancer survivors. Those who have battled illness successfully seem, sometimes to be the least empathetic with the struggles of others with bad health or mobility. "I managed, why can't you?" seems to be the song. Why does this have to be so? Can't we accept that what may have been possible for us to come to terms with, may not be so for others? I wanted to say, at the end of the day, but that's such a cliche, so...at the end of this paragraph, it's the expectation that everyone must be like us. > I think returnees suffer from what I call the "assumption of altruism" > syndrome. In other words, they think returning home is an altruistic act: > most people talk about 'giving back' and 'contributing' to the home country, > when in fact, India is carrying on without their haloed contributions. I > think this assumption of altruism sets up all kinds of mind-games. You > start thinking of India as a hardship posting; you expect the home country > to be 'grateful' for the troubles you are undergoing so you can contribute > and so forth. Returning home is not (or should not be) an altruistic act. > You return home due to circumstances (ill parents) or by choice, or by > tacit agreement (company sends you and you don't protest). > This again, is such a value judgement. Perhaps SOME returnees come with this attitude...but certainly not all of them To impute such reasoning to those who have genuinely come back to "settle down" would be unfair and judgemental. > > I returned home three years ago after nearly 20 years abroad. I am > deliriously happy to be back. > Well, then, YOU've been lucky enough to have the right combination of circumstances, attitude, and expectations for YOUR lifestyle. This does not mean that it's going to be so , or that it MUST be so, for everyone. > > Heather Timmons, like all journalists including me, had an angle for her > story (how hard it is for immigrants to go back) and only chose to interview > people who fit that angle. She does not highlight or even mention others > who are well adjusted with the return home. > I agree with this; when we set out to write something, obviously, we are going to take those examples that bolster our point of view. > > Sorry...don't mean to discount what others have said about genuinely > perceived hardships. > Ah, now you've made a point that's valid to me! I have written a tome on this topic, hence it set me off. I've NOT written a book on this (or any other) topic...but....I will always listen to someone who tells me the saga of their difficulties, whether it's settling down in India, their bad health, or anything else. I cannot presume that their difficulties are trivial; all I can do is, listen. Perhaps I would do things differently in their stead, but unless I am able to stand in their shoes or chappals for a while, I won't know.... My sis in law is battling breast cancer and is unable to go to work. She was visited by another cancer survivor, who said, "Perk up! After chemotherapy, I came home, cooked for my mother in law and for my school-going daughter, and husband, and commuted 30 km to work as well!" My response was, "YOU may have been able to do it, but that doesn't mean N can do the same thing." Oh well...nuff said, I guess. Please...let us have, not "little patience", but...a little MORE patience! Deepa.
