On Wed, 2014-07-16 at 08:48 -0700, Heather Madrone wrote:
>
> I feel utterly incompetent to arrange a marriage for another person!
> How
> do parents proceed in this business? Has anyone on this list been
> involved in arranging a marriage for their children?
Arranged marriages are almost invariably about families getting united
by marriage - not just the couple. I was exposed to a lot of this
arranging business for a brother and cousins, but I have played no
significant role in arranging any marriages in my children's generation,
although I have been involved in suggesting a possible "match" for
someone or other.
The process typically starts with someone asking a friend or a family
member to look out for a suitable bride or groom with certain
specifications. Those specifications can be quoted off what the boy or
girl to be married might prefer. I recently had a request from a cousin
to look out for a groom for his doctor daughter - and the chap had to be a
doctor aged 28 to 30, willing to live in India since my cousin
owns a hospital. This is itself an invitation for silklisters to get
back in touch with me with suggestions if they have anyone matching this
description. But the point is that word has to be spread around that
there is a "marriageable" "boy" or "girl" of X age looking for Y type
(usually profession) of groom of appropriate age. Nowadays online
portals are used too.
The reason why married couples with children relentlessly attend
marriages and the reason why everyone gets invited is that a marriage in
India is a place to look out for young boys and girls of marriageable
age. Arranged marriages for others are made at wedding ceremonies- in
which the actual couple getting married are inconsequential. Since the
"boy" or "girl" attending a marriage is usually accompanied by older
relatives it offers the opportunity to "size up" the family as well.
Sizing up a family can vary a lot. Education, wealth, background, looks
and culture are assessed (via gossip with common friends and
relatives). The weight of jewellery on women's bodies and the amount of
silver yarn in sarees ("zari") says something. Gossipy details are
exchanged "That family has <insert name of disease>" Anything about a
family that might end up as a financial burden to the newly married
couple are looked at critically. In practice what seems to happen is
that marriages often take place between families of matching wealth and
social status.
These were the typical features of marriage arrangement in my (Karnataka
Brahmin) extended family. There is no question of dowry. Wealth is
usually not excessive but there is virtually no poverty. Education is greatly
prized.
But there are a lot of variations among other people. Some groups look for
dowry.
Others look at unmarried sisters of potential bride or groom as liabilities who
will subtract from the amount of wealth the father of the bride or groom
can spare.
The big change that has occurred in the 28 years since I got married is
that the selection of brides and grooms has now moved out of the local
Kannada circle to an all India and all-world basis. We now have
extended "family" by marriage from many different states in India and a few
Americans, a Frenchman, a Chinese girl and a Mexican.
shiv
