October 5, 2003 -- Second
wives, depicted as homewreckers and evil stepmothers in fairy tales and
made-for-TV movies, are often doomed as soon as they tie the knot, new
research suggests.
"They marry a man with the illusion that his former family won't infringe
on their perfect life together," said Susan Shapiro Barash, author of "Second
Wives: the Rewards and Pitfalls of Marrying Widowers and Divorced Men."
"In reality, the day-to-day demands of his ex-wife and children can be
overwhelming," said Barash, a gender studies professor at Marymount Manhattan
College.
With more than 50 percent of first marriages ending in divorce, and 75
percent of divorced people remarrying, more women are becoming second wives.
But second marriages are breaking up as often as first marriages. According
to the U.S. Census, 52 to 62 percent of first marriages end in divorce, while
60 percent of second marriages fail.
And second marriages typically last about half as long as first marriages,
only six to seven years, Barash found.
The do-over "I dos" collapse under the stress of raising stepkids and
splitting a husband's income with his former household, said Barash.
"If the second wife really can't abide the financial obligations plus the
emotional attention he gives his children, those marriages dissolve very
quickly," Barash said.
Widowers make "better husband material," she said, because their former
marriages ended in death instead of divorce.
On the other hand, when the first wife is "immortalized" - like Paul
McCartney's first wife, Linda, who died of cancer - it gets thorny. Barash
calls it the "Rebecca" syndrome, after the Daphne du Maurier novel and movie
about a troubled widower's romance.
The Beatle's second marriage, to Heather Mills, last year caused family
unrest. Relations were bitter between Mills, a former model, and McCartney's
daughter, Stella, only four years younger than Mills.
Now McCartney and Mills are expecting a baby next month - an event that
could strain or strengthen the new family, Barash predicts.
"Even though it causes great distress, a baby can be the great equalizer,"
Barash said. "It sometimes brings the family together."
A Manhattan second wife in her late 30s had mixed results. She described
the "total hell" of helping her husband raise two teenage daughters.
"They hated me because it meant that their father would never marry their
mother again. It also meant they didn't have daddy to themselves any more,"
said the woman, who did not want to be identified.
When the new baby arrived two years ago, one stepdaughter grew attached to
the child and felt closer to the family, she said.
The other stepdaughter recoiled, she said. "She was horribly jealous and
hasn't gotten over it yet. She doesn't like to visit us anymore," she said.
But becoming a second wife can represent a long-single woman's best hope of
getting hitched, according to another recent book, "How to Married a Divorced
Man."
Author Leslie Fram, a born-and-raised New Yorker, was so busy with career
and fun she didn't think about marriage and kids until she turned 35.
By then, she said, most of the available men were divorced with kids.
So she married one.
"They're not necessarily damaged goods - they're recycled goods," she said.
Fram said second wives can find happiness - if they're realistic: "You're
never going to get 100 percent of his time, his emotional availability, or his
money."
