October 5, 2003 --
Second wives, depicted as homewreckers and evil
stepmothers in fairy tales and made-for-TV movies, are often doomed as
soon as they tie the knot, new research suggests.
"They marry a man with the illusion that his former family won't
infringe on their perfect life together," said Susan Shapiro Barash,
author of "Second Wives: the Rewards and Pitfalls of Marrying Widowers and
Divorced Men."
"In reality, the day-to-day demands of his ex-wife and children can be
overwhelming," said Barash, a gender studies professor at Marymount
Manhattan College.
With more than 50 percent of first marriages ending in divorce, and 75
percent of divorced people remarrying, more women are becoming second
wives.
But second marriages are breaking up as often as first marriages.
According to the U.S. Census, 52 to 62 percent of first marriages end in
divorce, while 60 percent of second marriages fail.
And second marriages typically last about half as long as first
marriages, only six to seven years, Barash found.
The do-over "I dos" collapse under the stress of raising stepkids and
splitting a husband's income with his former household, said Barash.
"If the second wife really can't abide the financial obligations plus
the emotional attention he gives his children, those marriages dissolve
very quickly," Barash said.
Widowers make "better husband material," she said, because their former
marriages ended in death instead of divorce.
On the other hand, when the first wife is "immortalized" - like Paul
McCartney's first wife, Linda, who died of cancer - it gets thorny. Barash
calls it the "Rebecca" syndrome, after the Daphne du Maurier novel and
movie about a troubled widower's romance.
The Beatle's second marriage, to Heather Mills, last year caused family
unrest. Relations were bitter between Mills, a former model, and
McCartney's daughter, Stella, only four years younger than Mills.
Now McCartney and Mills are expecting a baby next month - an event that
could strain or strengthen the new family, Barash predicts.
"Even though it causes great distress, a baby can be the great
equalizer," Barash said. "It sometimes brings the family together."
A Manhattan second wife in her late 30s had mixed results. She
described the "total hell" of helping her husband raise two teenage
daughters.
"They hated me because it meant that their father would never marry
their mother again. It also meant they didn't have daddy to themselves any
more," said the woman, who did not want to be identified.
When the new baby arrived two years ago, one stepdaughter grew attached
to the child and felt closer to the family, she said.
The other stepdaughter recoiled, she said. "She was horribly jealous
and hasn't gotten over it yet. She doesn't like to visit us anymore," she
said.
But becoming a second wife can represent a long-single woman's best
hope of getting hitched, according to another recent book, "How to Married
a Divorced Man."
Author Leslie Fram, a born-and-raised New Yorker, was so busy with
career and fun she didn't think about marriage and kids until she turned
35.
By then, she said, most of the available men were divorced with kids.
So she married one.
"They're not necessarily damaged goods - they're recycled goods," she
said.
Fram said second wives can find happiness - if they're realistic:
"You're never going to get 100 percent of his time, his emotional
availability, or his money."
