the vampire lestat
A Vampire Chronicles parody by _Twi_ (mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]) , August 2000.
Rated PG.
LESTAT:
I have been buried underground. Now I am a rock star. I think I will write a
book.
READER:
Not this again.
(1780. Lestat kills some wolves. His family hates him, except for his
mother, who wants to have sex with him. He runs away and joins the circus. He
has
sex with his friend Nicki. Then he is kidnapped by Magnus.)
MAGNUS:
I have killed several dozen beautiful blond men, but you are special,
Lestat. Be my heir.
LESTAT:
Oh, crap.
(Magnus makes Lestat a vampire, then kills himself. Lestat wanders around
killing people until he hears that his mother is dying.)
LESTAT:
Darn. Now we'll never have sex. I guess I'd better save her life, and stuff.
(He makes his mother a vampire.)
GABRIELLE:
Cool. Now I can dress like a man and openly ogle my son.
EVIL VAMPIRES:
We have kidnapped your friend and are driving him insane. Ha ha ha.
LESTAT:
Fine. I'll just make him a vampire, too.
(Lestat makes Nicki a vampire.)
NICKI:
I hate you for making me immortal, Lestat.
LESTAT:
I am having the strangest sense of deja vu.
(Nicki creates the Theatre de Vampires, then kills himself. Gabrielle leaves
Lestat. Lestat buries himself and then is brought back by Marius.)
MARIUS:
I am old and artistic. Druids are spooky. By the way, these are Those Who
Must Be Kept, the oldest vampires ever, whom I guard. Stay away from them,
Lestat.
(Lestat plays the violin for Akasha. She rises from her sleep because she
thinks he is hot. Lestat drinks from Akasha.)
MARIUS:
That does it. Get out, Lestat.
LESTAT:
Darn.
(Lestat goes to America and does a bunch of stuff that was already mentioned
in Interview With the Vampire. He and Armand get revenge on each other.
Lestat goes underground, finally ending the flashback. He is reunited with
Louis.)
LESTAT:
I love you, Louis.
LOUIS:
I love you, too. Too bad they cut that out of the movie version of my book.
(Lestat plays a concert where some weird stuff happens. People get lit on
fire. Then Akasha kidnaps Lestat.)
ANNE RICE:
What a cliffhanger, eh?
THE END
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