You know, it's funny (odd), but Dave and I were separated at the time I got hit with TM. I was openly dating and in fact, was visiting a "friend" in Ohio when it happened. I lived in Ohio for a year before I couldn't stand it any more and begged Dave to let me come home. He finally said yes and came to get me and all of our furniture and other things. Over the years I learned how much Dave loved me, although I was certain he did not. I learned how deeply I hurt him. He told me how he sat for hours out in his "barn" on a tall ladder with a rope around his neck trying to get up the nerve to jump. When I heard this it hurt me to my very core...ho w could I have been so awful, so mean, so cold and uncaring? Through much counseling I learned how much anger was in me for this man. How much his cold demeanor, never talking to me, perfunctory sex life, etc...affected me. How it built up an anger in me that only hurting him back would suffice.
I know it was wrong. I love this man more than my life. Years before we began dating I would drive by his house every day and pray to God to allow me to be with Dave. I must have prayed for three or four years before we ran into each other in a laundrymat on a Saturday night. We talked for hours, decided to go out and that was that. We were married a year later. And in spite of everything, we have recently had our 23rd anniversary. Since I am so profoundly affected by TM, and have a foley catheter in all of the time our sex life has been nil. I feel like that's my fault. Maybe he just hates me so much, he can't stand to touch me. He says that's not true, it is that he is afraid he is going to hurt me. We are intimate in other ways, he used to get into bed with me and cuddle, but hasn't done that for years. I don't know why because he states no reason. But he tells me he loves me at at least ten times a day and waits on me hand and foot since I am mainly bed ridden. He treats me like a queen and I do my best to show my appreciation in all manner of ways. So, that's probably more information than you wanted to hear, but it's the truth. It's been 8 years now of living like this and since I am working hard at getting in my chair, we will soon be able to get loaded in the van and go places...something he is looking forward to doing. Now, with Pam's passing it has put a damper on both of our lives and I am having trouble getting out of bed. I need to fight it off and go on with my life. I need help from my Internet friends. I know that my best friend would not want me to live this way...to simply give up on life. I loved Pam like a sister and she loved me in return. Please Pray for me, Jude...please don't hate me for being honest and telling all. In a message dated 6/11/2009 11:39:09 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, [email protected] writes: It's Janice again. I have something else that I have wondered about and have decided to just ask and see what is out there. Do you feel that having TM has improved or destroyed the love/happiness in your marriage/relationship with your partner? **************Download the AOL Classifieds Toolbar for local deals at your fingertips. (http://toolbar.aol.com/aolclassifieds/download.html?ncid=emlcntusdown00000004)
