I truely appreciate everything that you each said to me about this. I guess it
killed me a little inside when I saw what I was doing to my wife and the
pressure she was under. I live in Brazil and I have a lot of faith in my team
of doctors, but being a 10 on a pain scale of 1-10 everyday is sooooo hard. I
do see a psychiatrist and don't believe I'm suffering from depression. It's
just that before this I lived a really adventurous lifestyle. I Sky-dived,
scuba-dived, spear-fished, hunted, rappeled....lived off adrenaline. Now I
can't even get off the damn bed without tipping over. So, I came up with the
idea to move to the caribbean by myself, just to see if I can dive again or do
anything with this level of pain and get by. I am forcing myself to pick up my
old lifestyle, but I really want to do it without meds and the look of my
wife's face as I try to live and feel alive again. I think the only time I ever
truely felt alive was when I first jumped out of an airplane at 12000 feet or
when I shot my first 50 lb Grouper at 75 feet below sea level. I miss that. I
want that again so bad. TM took everything I loved away from me, but gave me a
remarkable appreciation for the life I once had.
Guys, I'm just trying to do this for a couple of months.....challenge myself to
go it alone, pretend it never happened. Use a cane and get around with my pain
for a bit and sky-dive again, hunt again....maybe this is all very dangerous,
but I have to do it for ME!
I know getting off meds cold turkey was a bad idea....I feel it now as I type
this, but I hate feeling so damned drugged up all the time. So, I selfishly
chose adrenaline, at least for another 2 months or so......believe or not, my
wife supports the idea....because she knows that I miss being Jeron. I refuse
to be just a TM patient.
Pain level today, honestly, 9 out of 10. I'm going scuba-diving in Tobago
tomorrow with pain and a spear-gun....just to feel alive one more time.
Jeron
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