Bender, You have a lot of gall! There you go again, a ranting renter, whining about your right to a gall bladder. As far as I know, you are not on the boards of the district's civic gangs; you do not make over 200 grand a year; and you are not of the property owning class. Worst of all, your name does not appear on the list of UCD supporters. How dare you bother our upscale listserv now with your hotheaded demand for the right to your gall bladder? You're ruining our buzz and our upscale vision.
Let me explain my frustration with Bender's rant to the casual reader. After exhaustive public discussions, the UCD and the elite, upscale consumers of the district convened a meeting of the secret subcommittee of district plutocrats at the old abandoned Horn and Hardart last month. That dark and creepy night after democratically surveying the community, university officials decreed that right thinking board members and pawns of the UCD may eat any un-upscale renter or part there of, at any time. Look Bender, hardworking district homeowners just want the fuel to improve the district and keep the good children safe. Why should they toil with hungry bellies? You ranter, you had your chance to rail against this community improvement; this so called local harvesting. He- he-he-ha-ha-ha. Now shut up and put an organic apple in your mouth! The people have spoken. For those of you who heard ranting misinformation and missed last months secret public meeting, defending the good children of the district, upscale paparazzi, Sassy Cassidy, delivered one of the most compelling arguments for the new eating law. In words that will go down in district history, he asked, "What if I want to have Rosskabobs with micro-brews at my next orgy? Did the simple minded little people ever consider that, he concluded?" The assembled good people squealed their unanimous approbation of this upscale visionaries words. Next, this growing hunger for the blood of local little people inspired an upscale vision from a real estate agent. "Hey, let's have a BYOB, bring your own Bender, party to celebrate the new Wine and Spirits Shop," she said. Feeling the power and the booze, the voices of the civic leaders cried out as if one united chorus, "Mennonite meat and renter pie." And thus the new by law was passed! As the festive meeting loosened up and the vision really kicked in, Rogerio blurted out, "Cedar Park Neighbors will make Oven Roasted Ross in a vodka cream sauce." Then a Spruce Hill block commander shouted, " we'll bring Baked Bender Breast in a red wine nest" Not wanting to be outdone, the emperor of the universities new Clark Park seized the moment and screamed that a UCD grant would sponsor a private after party in Clark Park featuring "Bender balls in Bourbon." Of course, everyone of importance was drooling, convulsing and having a glorious secret community meeting! Now that the record has been tirelessly and publicly explained Bender, it's clear that the superordinate consumers of the neighborhood just want to be cleaner and safer so why don't you stop your ranting, whining, renter misinformation . Those who are about to be eaten by their superiors have a sacred duty to salute the district leaders. So just go over to 39th and Chestnut before the feast, pay your civic gang dues and give thanks; your gall bladder was just the appetizer. Did you really think your gall bladder was enough fuel for the upscale vision of your neighbors? Now that I put that renter Bender in his place, how 'bout if us good people have a high society event and get drunk at Mel's. We can throw bricks at renters and unleashed dogs while we share our charitable visions of sending pork sandwiches and lard soaked freedom fries to the ungrateful starving Iraqis, ha-ha-ha. Long live killing and upscale visions! ----- Original Message ----- From: Ross Bender To: UnivCity listserv Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 5:21 PM Subject: [UC] Dude, Where's My Gall Bladder? Don't know if anybody else has noticed the lurid cover of this week's UC Review, which, since it was forced by vigorous neighborhood protests to cease publishing advertisements for sex toys has resorted to fronting stories from the Christian Science Monitor or, as in this case, really outrageous color cartoons of organ harvesting in China. Of course, what the article doesn't get into, probably because the editor is afraid he'll wake up some morning with a dead horse in his bed, is the REAL neighborhood scandal, which is obviously the unsanctionable harvesting of organs going on in the local Abbraccio restaurant, if you can call it a restaurant. The other week after a wild orgy following the Cassidy "Art" opening, I myself woke up with a fresh scar across my belly and a hollow feeling where my gall bladder used to be. I don't remember much about the occasion, just that the nice old Mennonite ladies had brought me home in a buggy after somebody apparently slipped me a mickey in my Shirley Temple. I immediately suspected what had happened, and I marched right over to Abbraccio and confronted Roger, in a nice Mennonite sort of way, about my suspicion. "Dude, where's my gall bladder?" I asked in as civil a manner as possible under the circumstances. Roger merely sneered in that supercilious way of his, passed me a plate of Portobello shrooms, and remarked "The chef says the 'goose' liver pate is particularly tasty tonight." Now, my lawyer has advised me that as I don't have *definitive* evidence as to where my gall bladder has wound up I probably shouldn't be too public with my wild accusations, at least until a little more detective work has been done and all the necessary paperwork for the civil suit has been assembled, but I will say this -- if you're going to the pre-preview meetup before Hitchhiker's Guide tomorrow evening, be sure to check that you've still got all your vital organs before checking out of the Abbraccio. -- Ross Bender http://rossbender.org/happyhour.html ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.446 / Virus Database: 268.18.11/721 - Release Date: 3/13/2007 4:51 PM
