Bender,
You have a lot of gall! There you go again, a ranting renter, whining
about
your right to a gall bladder. As far as I know, you are not on the boards
of
the district's civic gangs; you do not make over 200 grand a year; and
you
are not of the property owning class. Worst of all, your name does not
appear on the list of UCD supporters. How dare you bother our upscale
listserv now with your hotheaded demand for the right to your gall
bladder?
You're ruining our buzz and our upscale vision.
Let me explain my frustration with Bender's rant to the casual reader.
After exhaustive public discussions, the UCD and the elite, upscale
consumers of the district convened a meeting of the secret subcommittee
of
district plutocrats at the old abandoned Horn and Hardart last month.
That
dark and creepy night after democratically surveying the community,
university officials decreed that right thinking board members and pawns
of
the UCD may eat any un-upscale renter or part there of, at any time.
Look Bender, hardworking district homeowners just want the fuel to
improve
the district and keep the good children safe. Why should they toil with
hungry bellies? You ranter, you had your chance to rail against this
community improvement; this so called local harvesting. He-
he-he-ha-ha-ha.
Now shut up and put an organic apple in your mouth! The people have
spoken.
For those of you who heard ranting misinformation and missed last months
secret public meeting, defending the good children of the district,
upscale
paparazzi, Sassy Cassidy, delivered one of the most compelling arguments
for
the new eating law. In words that will go down in district history, he
asked, "What if I want to have Rosskabobs with micro-brews at my next
orgy?
Did the simple minded little people ever consider that, he concluded?"
The
assembled good people squealed their unanimous approbation of this
upscale
visionaries words.
Next, this growing hunger for the blood of local little people inspired
an
upscale vision from a real estate agent. "Hey, let's have a BYOB, bring
your own Bender, party to celebrate the new Wine and Spirits Shop," she
said. Feeling the power and the booze, the voices of the civic leaders
cried out as if one united chorus, "Mennonite meat and renter pie." And
thus
the new by law was passed!
As the festive meeting loosened up and the vision really kicked in,
Rogerio
blurted out, "Cedar Park Neighbors will make Oven Roasted Ross in a vodka
cream sauce." Then a Spruce Hill block commander shouted, " we'll bring
Baked Bender Breast in a red wine nest" Not wanting to be outdone, the
emperor of the universities new Clark Park seized the moment and screamed
that a UCD grant would sponsor a private after party in Clark Park
featuring
"Bender balls in Bourbon." Of course, everyone of importance was
drooling,
convulsing and having a glorious secret community meeting!
Now that the record has been tirelessly and publicly explained Bender,
it's
clear that the superordinate consumers of the neighborhood just want to
be
cleaner and safer so why don't you stop your ranting, whining, renter
misinformation . Those who are about to be eaten by their superiors have
a
sacred duty to salute the district leaders. So just go over to 39th and
Chestnut before the feast, pay your civic gang dues and give thanks; your
gall bladder was just the appetizer. Did you really think your gall
bladder
was enough fuel for the upscale vision of your neighbors?
Now that I put that renter Bender in his place, how 'bout if us good
people
have a high society event and get drunk at Mel's. We can throw bricks at
renters and unleashed dogs while we share our charitable visions of
sending
pork sandwiches and lard soaked freedom fries to the ungrateful starving
Iraqis, ha-ha-ha. Long live killing and upscale visions!
----- Original Message -----
From: Ross Bender
To: UnivCity listserv
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 5:21 PM
Subject: [UC] Dude, Where's My Gall Bladder?
Don't know if anybody else has noticed the lurid cover of this week's UC
Review, which, since it was forced by vigorous neighborhood protests to
cease publishing advertisements for sex toys has resorted to fronting
stories from the Christian Science Monitor or, as in this case, really
outrageous color cartoons of organ harvesting in China.
Of course, what the article doesn't get into, probably because the editor
is
afraid he'll wake up some morning with a dead horse in his bed, is the
REAL
neighborhood scandal, which is obviously the unsanctionable harvesting of
organs going on in the local Abbraccio restaurant, if you can call it a
restaurant.
The other week after a wild orgy following the Cassidy "Art" opening, I
myself woke up with a fresh scar across my belly and a hollow feeling
where
my gall bladder used to be. I don't remember much about the occasion,
just
that the nice old Mennonite ladies had brought me home in a buggy after
somebody apparently slipped me a mickey in my Shirley Temple.
I immediately suspected what had happened, and I marched right over to
Abbraccio and confronted Roger, in a nice Mennonite sort of way, about my
suspicion.
"Dude, where's my gall bladder?" I asked in as civil a manner as possible
under the circumstances.
Roger merely sneered in that supercilious way of his, passed me a plate
of
Portobello shrooms, and remarked "The chef says the 'goose' liver pate is
particularly tasty tonight."
Now, my lawyer has advised me that as I don't have *definitive* evidence
as
to where my gall bladder has wound up I probably shouldn't be too public
with my wild accusations, at least until a little more detective work has
been done and all the necessary paperwork for the civil suit has been
assembled, but I will say this -- if you're going to the pre-preview
meetup
before Hitchhiker's Guide tomorrow evening, be sure to check that you've
still got all your vital organs before checking out of the Abbraccio.
--
Ross Bender
http://rossbender.org/happyhour.html
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