it might be worthy of this group. It has humor, an
old dog, and Bush bashing. =)
I hope you enjoy!
~Jen
Here is a story to remember....long but worth the
read....
Yesterday afternoon, Maddie was napping, I was doing
work on the computer and Sam was playing well by
himself in the basement near our computer. Sam said,
"mom, i'm going upstairs to get something." He turned
the corner, paused and yelled out, "mom, there is a
snake on the steps!" WHAT? I looked over and there
was a 3 foot black snack coiled up on the steps. I
look at it long enough to realize Sam is correct and I
see it yawn and open it's mouth. I swear it looked
like a boa constrictor at that point. I ran into the
other room with Sam and said something profound like,
"mommy, doesn't know what to do."
I called Bob who suggested I get a snow shovel and hit
it over the head. Being 6+ months pregnant, barefoot
and with a 4 year old, I decided to find another
solution. Our dog, Murphy, a Pembroke Corgi who by
nature is a herding dog, is just ambling around the
basement as if she has nothing to do. Obviously,
Murphy has strick guidelines for herding--fuzzy and
woolly things only.
By this point, the snake had moved off the step and
into another room in the basement. This allowed Sam
and I to make a break upstairs. Sam, in his wisdom,
said, "mom, you have to carry me. I'm not walking up
the steps by myself." Right! Funny how 40 pounds
doesn't seem too heavy with an adrenaline rush.
Sam and I booked it upstairs (Maddie was still
sleeping). We have a list of Arlington County phone
numbers on the side of our refigerator---that handy
list that includes detox, housing, HIV testing,
reporting a blinking traffic light plus the Animal
Warden! I made the call and the number takes you to
the Animal Welfare League located .5 mile from our
house. They dispatched the Animal Control to make a
run to our house.
Sam and I go outside looking for moral support from
the neighbors. Sam sees several people and gives them
the entire play-by-play. He also declares, "i'm NOT
going back into the house." Our faithful neighbor,
Sharon, declared this the worst thing ever and told us
to get over to her house. I woke up Maddie who was
pleased to hear she was going to "Tom and Sharon's to
watch TV." We head over to Tom and Sharon's. I called
Bob who decided to come home at this point. I called
back Animal Warden to check on status of Animal
Control (hi...I called a few minutes ago about the
snake?). ETA on animal control only 2 minutes away.
Person on the phone says, "just be sure to keep an eye
on the snake so we know where it is." Sure...I'm long
gone sister. Animal Control comes and a 30 year old
female animal "controller" comes to our door. How cool
is that--a chick comes to rescue us. She pulls her
hair back into a pony tail so she can get down to
business with her cloth sack and long stick with a
clamp.
We head downstairs and I show Jennifer, the animal
"controller," the last known position of the snake. We
look all over the basement and snake wasn't found. You
realize how much #$()*# you have when you are looking
for places for a snake to hide.
All of a sudden Jennifer says, "oh, there it is!" The
following is verbatim of the next 10 seconds:
Jennifer: "oh, there's the snake!"
Jennifer: "It's on the computer desk."
Jennifer: "Oh, there are 2 snakes."
Jennnifer: "wait, the snakes are MATING!"
Jennifer: "holy, shit!"
Ashley: "i'm going upstairs to barf."
I go upstairs (not to get sick). Bob arrives home and
heads downstairs. You know you've been part of a
moment when your animal controller shouts out "holy
shit!"
Sam and Maddie are outside with Sharon, the neighbor.
Jennifer comes out with the snakes in a bag. We had
two, 3 foot long rat snakes in our house. Rat snakes
are harmless. Our house is declared free of snakes
having sex. Our neighbor Sharon asks out loud, "how do
they even do that?"
Jennifer said the snakes were quite docile and easy to
catch. The joke then became, "well of course the
snakes were docile. Those two things were practically
smoking cigarettes at that point." The other joke of
the day becomes our house=cheap hotel for snakes to
creep around and find easy place to mate (kind of like
18 year olds on prom night).
Jennifer says we should probably Lysol down the
computer desk. Lysol? Try 100% bleach.
Arlington County has a local newspaper called the
Arlington Connector. Each week there is a short
section called "Animal Watch" that reports the
activities of Animal Control. I ask Jennifer if we
will make it into "Animal Watch." Jennifer said, "oh,
absolutely. this is a great story. you all will be
famous." Clearly Jennifer will have the story of the
week among the Animal Control team. At that point, I
decide to send Animal Welfare League a letter praising
Jennifer Greiner, Animal Controller extraordinaire.
I called my parents. My Dad says, "that's incredible!"
My mom says, "you should move!" Of course she says
that. My mom thinks we live in a terrorist death zone
plus she hates snakes. Never mind the fact that
Arlington County Animal Control has a strong response
time than FEMA or Homeland Security put together.
Hopefully my mom didn't read the paper and see how DC
is now equated with Providence, RI as far as receiving
security funds from DHS for security. NEVER MIND the
fact that if George Bush or Cheney fart their 50+
person posse jumps into sniper mode and charges the
overtime to DC government.
Sorry...back to the story. Well, that's the story. I'm
typing this email at the now infamous computer desk.
You better believe it when I say my feet haven't
touched the carpet as I typed out this email.
My new criteria for quality of life living=living in a
place that has a kick ass Animal Control Department.
Here's to Jennifer Greiner and God's wild kingdom.
--Ashley, Bob, Sam, Maddie, Murphy, and a couple of
hot and heavy Rat Snakes.
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