Greetings Tim, and all.. I tend to agree with Vince on this, though such situations are indeed complex. As there are a number of licensed psychologists and medical professionals here, they may have opinions as well. My own training is in health care--wellness/ fitness/ preventative health, but I am not a clinical professional. I have a "friend" that I met some time ago who seemed to be devoted to caring for others and to social justice. Always the volunteer in crisis situations. Trained in counseling and fire-fighting as well as law enforcement, he seemed outwardly dedicated to humanity. Yet he is obsessed with his own body and health-- he sees a medical provider of one type or anothe, about once or twice a day or more on average. In my opinion, he suffers from a psychological malady wherein he gets his intimacy needs met this way. He is quick to anger, and his whole life is committed to some kind of drama. Most recently, he is working with the fire-station and search & rescue to find a wandering alzheimer's patient, searching until the wee hours, he says. He asked to be part of this search as a volunteer, though he tells me he cannot hear without a hearing aid, and it is being replaced by the VA--which is caught up in bureaucratic channels for a week, or so he says. He also says he is seeing an orthopedic specialist because of his knee pains--but then the next day, he is back at the doctor's office to be treated for insect bites sustained in his heroic search. He claims a childhood history of physical abuse by his mother and being raped by a stepfather. Claims to have anal bleeding from the scars now that act up every couple of months, requiring him to wear a "pad". Yet he has a close-enough bond with her now to play dominos with her for hours--work with her on insurance and legal matters. He claims he was tortured in the army as a POW. He claims that he lost his wife and child in a terrorist attack. He claims he tried to hang himself. He claims to be suffering from heart and liver diseases that will ultimately take his life. He is completely self-aborbed--and focused on his daily dramas. He has said that I am the only person he is living for. I am a saint sent by God to be with him. When he saw his liver specialist two weeks ago, he told me that he is no longer on the national transplant list because his liver has miraculously healed... But without me--life is not worth living.. Okay~~ I am a tough-sell when it comes to compassion. I am a skeptic by nature. I have a family chock-full of attorneys, so need I say more on that? This man actually really got to me, and I believed him for a long time. I posted on him not long ago about how deeply he humbles me by his compassion for others despite his own personal misfortunes. I have learned in the intervening time that he is the one I need to find compassion for, instead of being justifiably angry at him for playing with my empathy and wasting my time. I'm sure pieces of his story might be true. But the majority of it is just a drama he has created to erect a persona that allows him to get his needs met, (no matter how manipulatively). Back to Tim's situation.. We all find a way to survive within ourselves. Yes--suicide does happen far too often. But sometimes, the drama may have become her habitual way of living. She may not give that up without having something similar to replace it with. That is not likely to be "happy" , "feel-good" acts or activities. Often, I recommend people get the focus off themselves by getting busy working for others. But as you see above, my friend has turned service to others into his own egotistic reward. This is tricky. She may simply be addicted to the pain, and without knowing any of the details, perhaps seeking out a professional trained in this kind of counseling or medical intervention is the only answer. Seek out someone who has worked with "cutters" , for example. (Cutters are people who intentially cut and scar themselves. Its a form of OCD, I think). Continuing to do as you are only reinforces her behavior.. Moreover, harsh as it reads, you may be caught up in doing this to make your opening statement true for you. So-- I guess I'm saying that giving is a razor-edge experience. Our ego is rarely absent from it, and there is a place in life and service for "tough love", to include ourselves. Enjoy the weekend.. Kristy
--- On Thu, 9/23/10, Vince <[email protected]> wrote: From: Vince <[email protected]> Subject: Re: [Zen] If you save a life To: [email protected] Date: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 4:24 PM Tim, I don't know the circumstances or situation, except what you have posted below, so correct me if I'm wrong, but are you saying this woman has been threatening to commit suicide for 15 years? If that's the case, then she obviously WANTS to live to some degree, otherwise she would have cashed her chips in a long time ago.- Vince From: tim <[email protected]> To: [email protected] Sent: Sat, September 18, 2010 7:14:35 PM Subject: [Zen] If you save a life The Jews and Muslims share a saying: If you save a life, it's as if you saved the world. That's rather Zen also. The truth is out there. That's a X-File term. I have a friend who is has been very resistant to letting me or anyone or herself try to end her death wish and painful way of being. But I'm gong to be very insistent in till she decides to try and save her life or tells me to get lost. The soft sell for 15 years has not worked. I all ready mailed her one hell of a letter. It got a thank you but has not worked magic yet. Tim
