This is a long post, but well worth the time to read it - if for nothing else
than to have a good laugh. You might however as I did be able to learn
something about yourself and your style of communicating.
Anyway, Enjoy!
15 Types of Western Buddhists
"Personal Life Coaches" Inc. - These guys can be oh so clever in hiding their
true motivation. They can be usually spotted by the professional head shot on
their website (complete with fake tan, extreme white teeth and a grin that
makes you think they just came), links to "Life Development" products and a
disturbing ability to toss in a Buddhist quote or two into what ever horseshit
of time tested, scientifically proven method or your money back guaranteed dung
heap they are selling. The only real difference between them and the "Founders
of the Easy Way" is they usually don't kill people in the Arizona desert.
The Roshi-Satori Glee Club - Known for their super incredible understanding of
every aspect of Zen, they are the direct link to Dogens' anus. These ones can
be spotted by their arrogant offhand dismissal of others, random insults of
varying degree's of condemnation and a striking lack of even a droplet of
empathy. They also have been seen wearing a deadly mustache, and have been
known to have the delusion that this is somehow 15th century Japan; so caution
is most recommended.
The Peoples Republic of Buddha-Politicos - Sociology professors got nothing on
these folks. For them, Buddhism is the vehicle for the proletariat to arise and
take away political, social and economic power from the bourgeoisie. You can
find these socially attuned crowd by watching for the massive amount of long
winded and aggressive angst writings, which will usually include overt
denunciations of Americans, Capitalists, men, frogs, baked beans, baseball, Mr.
Potato Head and white people. Where is the NKVD when you need them, right?
The Sophisticated Philosophical Association - Be wary of this association, if
you truly value your sanity and want to avoid the infinite rabbit hole of
exponential pontifications on the metaphysical existence of man. They will lure
you in with a usually straight forward question or comment, then proceed to
attack you with a plethora of Latin phrases, a multitude of rationalizations
based on complex theories of time and space, supplemented with references to
the pedigree of thought lineage and will finish you off by making you feel more
confused than a 36 year old man waking up naked, with an erection in the middle
of a Menudo concert.
PhD Professionals Not So Anonymous Fraternity - These are not your typical ivy
league, pipe smoking, velvet jacket wearing intellectual academics. These folks
know Buddhism so well, they could identify a piece of Buddha's shit if it was
excavated. This crowd is characterized by the extreme lamentation that they
have to deal with the all the riff raff Buddhists online, and pretend to take
an interest in others views. Usually good-natured and optimists, they do their
best to avoid the fact that there is not much money in a PhD in Buddhism, and
they will probably end up working at the DMV. To bring up things like Larry the
Cable Guy has been published, and they haven't, isn't a good step towards
befriending these folks.
Zen Street Thugs - This hardcore, meat eating, beer drinking and potty mouthed
bunch will storm right past you, with plenty of fart and dick jokes and
irreverent humor to offend with. They can be found by...well looking at my god
damn blogroll. At first, we were considered the Buddhist devil, intent on
bringing down all the ancient traditions, but later they found out that all we
really wanted to do was take a shit, tweet about it, then go sit in Zazen.
Warm Hugs and Rainbow Lovers - This Lovers club is packed full of juicy
wholesome goodness of sunshine, white puffy clouds and warm smiles that will
melt the coldest heart. For them, a hug cures the blues, and love has the
healing power of a Level 70 Holy Priest. They can be found talking about
unicorns, Elven magic and mystical butterflies that will fly onto your
genitalia and fix all your boo boo's with a special kiss. While interaction
with this crowd is fairly benign, you may find it very tempting to try and make
them angry...but it can't be done.....trust me, I've tried.
Eccentric Guru Worship Clubs - These clubs are characterized by various temples
run in multiple states, headed by a Guru who is either usually on the lamb, or
and ex-convict. Their followers are adamant of their teachers power and
lineage, and will go so far as to spend days on end slandering other Guru's
from other clubs. It's like Tibetan fight club, expect it really really sucks
to watch.(I guess it would be like if Brad Pitt and Ed Norton were replaced by
Jim Carey and John Goodman) If random sex with bald nut-jobs inside an obscure
Stupa is your cup of tea, than this may be the club for you.
A Quote a Minute Society - This society has a massive database filled with any
type of motivational or spiritual quotes, ready at the touch of a button. They
can be found spamming twitter, facebook and forums with these quotes, with the
intent that these thousands of Dr. Phil, Depak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle shit
sentences will somehow transform you into the most well hung spiritual pimp
ever! But don't be so bold as to ask them what they actually think, for you
will be assaulted like the beaches of Normandy, with machine gun Rumi quotes
and proverbs older than my grandmothers virginity.
The Vajrayāna Tantric Warrior(might be a little nuts) League - These guys,
while somewhat like the Zen Street Thugs in their confrontational mannerism,
are differentiated by the fact that they are actually serious. They hold
grudges longer than the Boston Red Sox Fans did against Bill Buckner, and
sprout anger and venom as if it drained from their pores. They can be found by
the fact they are usually writing about some insult perpetrated against them
and ranting openly about things they'd like to do to them. These guys are like
bikers from the 1970's that sold crank and smack to children, but somehow found
religion.
The Crackpot and Screwball Conglomeration - This conglomeration is one of the
most dangerous groups out there. There motto is "We stalk any motherfucker."
While rather menacing, they are easy to pick out of a crowd. They usually have
dozens of websites that they update every hour with new and more psychotic
rantings. They will profess to be ordained ministers in multiple religious
organizations, express shock at how the entire world is plotting against them
and pretend to run a small cult on the East Coast.
"Most Original" Theravada Defenders - This righteous bunch can be defined by
Westerners that moved to a foreign country to become a monk. They are offended
by the slightest teenyist-tiniest thing, and are quick to speak of the nasty
filthy Western punks destroying the Buddha Dharma. Even though they claim to be
a follower of the "most bestest original" Buddhism ever, they seem quite
miserable for devoting their lives to this tradition. They can be easily
neutralized by copious amounts of profanity and in-depth discussions about the
texture of poop.
Way of Lifers; Too Cool to be Religious - Many students new to Buddhism go
through this phase of becoming the torch bearer for stripping Buddhism of its
robes and statues, to get to the heart of the teachings. Their dislikes are
organized religion, any type of ancient rituals, good oral hygiene, spell
checker and enjoyable sentence structure. They can be found ranting that they
are the first ones to have this brilliant idea to secularize Buddhism, and blog
with the intensity that would make most meth heads envious. They scream and
holler, and rant and rave for usually no longer than a year, and once they find
out they are like number 312,878 with that idea, they either quit or come back
to reality....somewhat.
Founders of the Easy Way - If a word ends with the letters 'SYNC' its a good
bet you found one of these charlatans. They folks taut their miraculous break
throughs in technology and philosophy to bring you products that beep
enlightenment into your ear drums. They can also be characterized by new found
paths of spiritual expediency, breaking down the barriers of dreaded practice
and study, with a quick new way to the heart of the Buddhist teachings. These
guys can usually be found promoting murderers, ex-convicts and in their spare
time threaten to ruin some bloggers life.
Insular Asian Community - They can be found by the fact that you can't find
them. While making up the majority of Buddhists in the West, they appear to
lack any interest in communicating or dealing with Buddhists outside of their
community. I did send them a gift pack that contained a two liter bottle of
Diet Mt. Dew, a poor boot-leg copy of Loretta Lynns' Greatest Hits and a years
subscription to Juggs magazine, but alas no luck.
- Kyle Lovett
...Bill!
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