Every practice of anything has its bum of the month, rag of the week, groups that like only group members, honest to goodness phonies. Stay home till the Buddha knocks. You can't look for him.
On Sun, Jul 21, 2013 at 9:32 PM, Bill! <[email protected]> wrote: > ** > > > This is a long post, but well worth the time to read it - if for nothing > else than to have a good laugh. You might however as I did be able to learn > something about yourself and your style of communicating. > > Anyway, Enjoy! > > 15 Types of Western Buddhists > > "Personal Life Coaches" Inc. - These guys can be oh so clever in hiding > their true motivation. They can be usually spotted by the professional head > shot on their website (complete with fake tan, extreme white teeth and a > grin that makes you think they just came), links to "Life Development" > products and a disturbing ability to toss in a Buddhist quote or two into > what ever horseshit of time tested, scientifically proven method or your > money back guaranteed dung heap they are selling. The only real difference > between them and the "Founders of the Easy Way" is they usually don't kill > people in the Arizona desert. > > The Roshi-Satori Glee Club - Known for their super incredible > understanding of every aspect of Zen, they are the direct link to Dogens' > anus. These ones can be spotted by their arrogant offhand dismissal of > others, random insults of varying degree's of condemnation and a striking > lack of even a droplet of empathy. They also have been seen wearing a > deadly mustache, and have been known to have the delusion that this is > somehow 15th century Japan; so caution is most recommended. > > The Peoples Republic of Buddha-Politicos - Sociology professors got > nothing on these folks. For them, Buddhism is the vehicle for the > proletariat to arise and take away political, social and economic power > from the bourgeoisie. You can find these socially attuned crowd by watching > for the massive amount of long winded and aggressive angst writings, which > will usually include overt denunciations of Americans, Capitalists, men, > frogs, baked beans, baseball, Mr. Potato Head and white people. Where is > the NKVD when you need them, right? > > The Sophisticated Philosophical Association - Be wary of this association, > if you truly value your sanity and want to avoid the infinite rabbit hole > of exponential pontifications on the metaphysical existence of man. They > will lure you in with a usually straight forward question or comment, then > proceed to attack you with a plethora of Latin phrases, a multitude of > rationalizations based on complex theories of time and space, supplemented > with references to the pedigree of thought lineage and will finish you off > by making you feel more confused than a 36 year old man waking up naked, > with an erection in the middle of a Menudo concert. > > PhD Professionals Not So Anonymous Fraternity - These are not your typical > ivy league, pipe smoking, velvet jacket wearing intellectual academics. > These folks know Buddhism so well, they could identify a piece of Buddha's > shit if it was excavated. This crowd is characterized by the extreme > lamentation that they have to deal with the all the riff raff Buddhists > online, and pretend to take an interest in others views. Usually > good-natured and optimists, they do their best to avoid the fact that there > is not much money in a PhD in Buddhism, and they will probably end up > working at the DMV. To bring up things like Larry the Cable Guy has been > published, and they haven't, isn't a good step towards befriending these > folks. > > Zen Street Thugs - This hardcore, meat eating, beer drinking and potty > mouthed bunch will storm right past you, with plenty of fart and dick jokes > and irreverent humor to offend with. They can be found by...well looking at > my god damn blogroll. At first, we were considered the Buddhist devil, > intent on bringing down all the ancient traditions, but later they found > out that all we really wanted to do was take a shit, tweet about it, then > go sit in Zazen. > > Warm Hugs and Rainbow Lovers - This Lovers club is packed full of juicy > wholesome goodness of sunshine, white puffy clouds and warm smiles that > will melt the coldest heart. For them, a hug cures the blues, and love has > the healing power of a Level 70 Holy Priest. They can be found talking > about unicorns, Elven magic and mystical butterflies that will fly onto > your genitalia and fix all your boo boo's with a special kiss. While > interaction with this crowd is fairly benign, you may find it very tempting > to try and make them angry...but it can't be done.....trust me, I've tried. > > Eccentric Guru Worship Clubs - These clubs are characterized by various > temples run in multiple states, headed by a Guru who is either usually on > the lamb, or and ex-convict. Their followers are adamant of their teachers > power and lineage, and will go so far as to spend days on end slandering > other Guru's from other clubs. It's like Tibetan fight club, expect it > really really sucks to watch.(I guess it would be like if Brad Pitt and Ed > Norton were replaced by Jim Carey and John Goodman) If random sex with bald > nut-jobs inside an obscure Stupa is your cup of tea, than this may be the > club for you. > > A Quote a Minute Society - This society has a massive database filled with > any type of motivational or spiritual quotes, ready at the touch of a > button. They can be found spamming twitter, facebook and forums with these > quotes, with the intent that these thousands of Dr. Phil, Depak Chopra and > Eckhart Tolle shit sentences will somehow transform you into the most well > hung spiritual pimp ever! But don't be so bold as to ask them what they > actually think, for you will be assaulted like the beaches of Normandy, > with machine gun Rumi quotes and proverbs older than my grandmothers > virginity. > > The Vajrayāna Tantric Warrior(might be a little nuts) League - These guys, > while somewhat like the Zen Street Thugs in their confrontational > mannerism, are differentiated by the fact that they are actually serious. > They hold grudges longer than the Boston Red Sox Fans did against Bill > Buckner, and sprout anger and venom as if it drained from their pores. They > can be found by the fact they are usually writing about some insult > perpetrated against them and ranting openly about things they'd like to do > to them. These guys are like bikers from the 1970's that sold crank and > smack to children, but somehow found religion. > > The Crackpot and Screwball Conglomeration - This conglomeration is one of > the most dangerous groups out there. There motto is "We stalk any > motherfucker." While rather menacing, they are easy to pick out of a crowd. > They usually have dozens of websites that they update every hour with new > and more psychotic rantings. They will profess to be ordained ministers in > multiple religious organizations, express shock at how the entire world is > plotting against them and pretend to run a small cult on the East Coast. > > "Most Original" Theravada Defenders - This righteous bunch can be defined > by Westerners that moved to a foreign country to become a monk. They are > offended by the slightest teenyist-tiniest thing, and are quick to speak of > the nasty filthy Western punks destroying the Buddha Dharma. Even though > they claim to be a follower of the "most bestest original" Buddhism ever, > they seem quite miserable for devoting their lives to this tradition. They > can be easily neutralized by copious amounts of profanity and in-depth > discussions about the texture of poop. > > Way of Lifers; Too Cool to be Religious - Many students new to Buddhism go > through this phase of becoming the torch bearer for stripping Buddhism of > its robes and statues, to get to the heart of the teachings. Their dislikes > are organized religion, any type of ancient rituals, good oral hygiene, > spell checker and enjoyable sentence structure. They can be found ranting > that they are the first ones to have this brilliant idea to secularize > Buddhism, and blog with the intensity that would make most meth heads > envious. They scream and holler, and rant and rave for usually no longer > than a year, and once they find out they are like number 312,878 with that > idea, they either quit or come back to reality....somewhat. > > Founders of the Easy Way - If a word ends with the letters 'SYNC' its a > good bet you found one of these charlatans. They folks taut their > miraculous break throughs in technology and philosophy to bring you > products that beep enlightenment into your ear drums. They can also be > characterized by new found paths of spiritual expediency, breaking down the > barriers of dreaded practice and study, with a quick new way to the heart > of the Buddhist teachings. These guys can usually be found promoting > murderers, ex-convicts and in their spare time threaten to ruin some > bloggers life. > > Insular Asian Community - They can be found by the fact that you can't > find them. While making up the majority of Buddhists in the West, they > appear to lack any interest in communicating or dealing with Buddhists > outside of their community. I did send them a gift pack that contained a > two liter bottle of Diet Mt. Dew, a poor boot-leg copy of Loretta Lynns' > Greatest Hits and a years subscription to Juggs magazine, but alas no luck. > > - Kyle Lovett > > ...Bill! > > > -- *Larry Maher*
