Hi Lillian, I found this enigmatic and interesting, stronger because of its muted, restrained tone and because of what it chooses to leave out. Beyond that, it's hard to give critical comments on something so short, but a couple of line edits which could be widely applicable to other poems:
--I think you're misusing commas in the first and third lines. My sense is that you're using the comma to create a caesura (pause) in the middle of the line, but that's not always what the work of a comma is. Usually the caesura is inbuilt into the rhythm of a line and doesn't have to be indicated. At any rate, to my ear, the music of the line works much better without a pause between "not" and "what" and between "know" and "is" and-- this is crucial, WITH a pause between "when" and "or", "here" and "even". Thus the music of the long unpaused clause is played against that of the short one. Incidentally, the commas after "when" and "here" are fine and grammatically correct; though note that the combination of comma and line break creates an extra-long, extra heavy pause-- was this intended? The pause would still be there without the commas, but would be a little gentler. And another point-- why not change "even" to just "and", or better still just "here, now", "when, how"? The rhythm is a little more balanced that way; "even" just serves to repeat the time lag between the first and second moment, something which is already clear from the use of tense. The real trick would be able to stick with this form you have made, and use it to explore different subjects. That way you'd slowly get a deeper sense of its possibilities...? > > --------------------------------------- > > I know not, what made you, > when, > or how. > > All I know, is I feel the sting, > here, > even now. > > > -Lillian D'Costa- > 3rd October 05 > > ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> Get fast access to your favorite Yahoo! Groups. Make Yahoo! your home page http://us.click.yahoo.com/dpRU5A/wUILAA/yQLSAA/yqIolB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> -- You are encouraged to post poetry, respond critically to the poems circulated and participate in discussions. To post, email your message to [email protected] OR post online at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/post/ Tell friends to subscribe to ZESTPoets by sending a blank email to [EMAIL PROTECTED], OR, if they have a Yahoo! ID, by visiting http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/join/ ---theZESTcommunity-------------- [1] ZESTCurrent: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCurrent/ [2] ZESTEconomics: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTEconomics/ [3] ZESTGlobal: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTGlobal/ [4] ZESTMedia: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTMedia/ [5] ZESTPoets: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ [6] ZESTCaste: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCaste/ [7] ZESTAlternative: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTAlternative/ [8] TalkZEST: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TalkZEST/ --- Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
