Fwd: [ZESTPoets] word rosary*: perceptions

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 03:24:33 -0800

I don't know-- for me, the first impression was quite strong, without looking up the words.  Apart from those two words, it's a very straightforward poem. The lines "hear water flutter / blades rustle in breeze / birds chirp behind the trees" are pretty tasty on the tongue and musical on the ear.  The whole thing is, but those lines especially.  (Shouldn't it be "in the breeze" and "behind trees", though?  I can understand you not wanting to repeat "the", but I think breeze definitely needs an article.)

I like the idea of riffing off words into a "word rosary" (wasn't sure which word started it all, though).

The poem is very alive for me until the last three lines.  "Man betrayed -- woman abused" doesn't seem to say much beyond the cliche (it's always the woman who is raped, so we are led to believe) and seems more just to continue the rhythm of the poem with the pause in the middle of the line.  The last two lines really just repeat something that has already been said and is clear.  So I feel the last three lines could be cut to make the poem whole.  "sad survivor - hut afire" seems to me to be a good way to end a poem.

"riedel" I was not convinced by after following the link you've given.  Seems more like just a brand name to me and that jars if I read the mood and tone of that stanza right.  Won't "basket and wine" do?  You get the added vowel rhyme of "wine" and "beside".

"cumulonimbus", though is lovely and appropriate.  ("THE cumulonimbus"?) Here your linking the word was really helpful-- to see what such a cloud actually looks like adds an extra dimension to the reading.  (And what majestic clouds they are, these cumulonimbi!)  Perhaps there is some possibility to hypertext poetry after all.

Yours
v

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Desert Dweller/Sehra Navard <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Date: Nov 25, 2005 10:24 AM
Subject: [ZESTPoets] word rosary*: perceptions
To: [email protected]

 word rosary*: perceptions

idle summer afternoon
basket and riedel* beside
we lie by the winding brook
hear water flutter
blades rustle in breeze
birds chirp behind the trees
 oblivious we interpret cumulonimbus*
and whisper to each other
what we read in their form
i see a child -- she a woman
sad survivor -- hut afire
man betrayed -- woman abused
our differing perceptions and
the same cumulonimbus*

word rosary is a series of poems on word impact that i have be writing.. this is one of them.

cumulonimbus

riedel

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