Vivek: a friend who does not visit this site had this to say in an email:
these 4 lines (below) in the first verse i had trouble with why? because they are too plebeian...yes the brook winds, water flutters, blades rustle and birds chirp...so what else is new? we lie by the winding brook hear water flutter blades rustle in breeze birds chirp behind the trees then i asked her to read your comments: â⦠for me, the first impression was quite strong, without looking up the words. Apart from those two words, it's a very straightforward poem. The lines "hear water flutter / blades rustle in breeze / birds chirp behind the trees" are pretty tasty on the tongue and musical on the ear. The whole thing is, but those lines especially. (Shouldn't it be "in the breeze" and "behind trees", though? I can understand you not wanting to repeat "the", but I think breeze definitely needs an article.) â her comments on IM: mf: maybe mf: i just think those lines are not u mf: they don't reflect the poet in u mf: not as the rest of the poem does t: i needed a built up to the OBLIVIOUS mf: hmmm i guess mf: to me they just violated the show don't tell scheme mf: but if u need them there then u do ******* yes i need a device to build up to the âobliviousâ...she loved the second verse btw guess what this means is i have to do some more thinking your points about âtheâ have noted and this line âour differing perceptions andâ is too much âshowingâ thanks t > I am all for using non-English words when no other will do, but feel they should be used in such a way that the meaning is clear. I must admit that I was surprised that Siva didn't know 'cumulonimbus', as it appears (or used to) in geography/science books. It has a nice fat sound to it that describes the shape wonderfully. > > Where context alone does not serve, then footnotes are needed, even though they make the page look untidy. I used to draw a line across the bottom of the page and insert the footnotes below, thus creating a visual barrier so that the shape of the poem was not disturbed. But then I began as a graphics designer; the appearance of the page is important to me. And anyone reading Jeet Thayil's poem 'Skewed' (English) will see how the suspension bridge shape of the poem when seen sideways on is such that nothing should interfere with the visual effect. > > The argument of footnotes vs glossary vs nothing at all still rages. > > It was good idea to put in the links, a great help to the lazy. > > jane > > temporal t <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > Siva: > no need to apologize�as a newbie what i have reckoned here is that this is the place to gather reactions to works in progress� and it is in this spirit i submitted this poem�am still getting my feet wet here� > �in a way i have cocooned myself away for quite some time�so 'returning' is a ginger process�and this has become a bit more interesting when a friend suggested this site�have been lurking here for a few weeks�as a current dweller of the frozen north�removed from the hustle bustle of the motherland since many decades with a double jeopardy (from the wrong side of the divide)�and as one not familiar with quite a few words and phrases used here almost casually�e.g. � > Yama, satsang, shantam�(my shortcoming � not blaming the poets)�i decided to provide a footnote or a link� do this all the time when i use urdu/hindi words in english poems � and provide foot notes for readers not familiar with them� Vivek: > thanks�shall respond to your comments shortly > > rgds > > t > > > On 11/25/05, siva_ramanathan04 <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: Sehra Nawad > I apologise for my hasty and prejudiced outburts.More than feeling > ashamed of what I thought and wrote,I take this as an opportunity for > reading Vivek's analysis and comments. > And thanks Vivek.I do not know how I did not connect up these words > and I was lazy to refer a dictionary. > T.K.D.used to tell me[T.K.Doraiswamy ,[alias Nakulan]to read and > re-read before forming an opinion. > Sivakami Velliangiri > > > --- In [email protected], "Desert Dweller/Sehra Navard" > <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > > > word rosary*: perceptions > > > > idle summer afternoon > > basket and riedel* beside > > we lie by the winding brook > > hear water flutter > > blades rustle in breeze > > birds chirp behind the trees > > oblivious we interpret cumulonimbus* > > and whisper to each other > > what we read in their form > > i see a child -- she a woman > > sad survivor -- hut afire > > man betrayed -- woman abused > > our differing perceptions and > > the same cumulonimbus* > > > > word rosary is a series of poems on word impact that i have be > writing.. this is one of them. > > > > cumulonimbus > > > > riedel > > > > > > > > > -- > You are encouraged to post poetry, respond critically to the poems circulated and participate in discussions. 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