Brian, Well, you are definitely a gaijin, desu ne? Four, three, two? It can work, I guess, but you really want the last line to come as something of a redirection -- a sudden insight that is not so directly hinted at previously.
'Cicadas fall' leads us too directly to the conclusion 'silence', so it's no surprise, no revelation, too much grok; I think you get the point. I just got my husband to finally read "The Left Hand Of Darkness". Took him a while to get into it, as it took me, but then he couldn't put it down. How about this? Cicada music, August's insect orchestra. September crickets. Not that much different, but 5, 7, 5, and line one doesn't so directly lead to line three. We are (somewhat) suddenly redirected to the idea that the cicadas have brief lives (compared to us, anyway), and that the music of the autumnal equinox will belong to the crickets. (Your music may vary, depending on latitude, hemisphere, and other climatic factors.) Yuki (never, ever, confused with Basho) Thursday, August 28, 2008, 5:05:50 PM, Brian wrote: b> How about this Yuki? b> Cicadas fall, b> one by one, b> silence.
