Well I have had my dose of Wikinese now so I can say with authority that yours is very good Yuki.
More difficult in the English form too. Of course mine was free form ;-) You understand the gaijin.... completely adverse to discipline. Your husband is a very wise man. brian_z --- In [email protected], Yuki Taga <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > Brian, > > Well, you are definitely a gaijin, desu ne? Four, three, two? It > can work, I guess, but you really want the last line to come as > something of a redirection -- a sudden insight that is not so > directly hinted at previously. > > 'Cicadas fall' leads us too directly to the conclusion 'silence', so > it's no surprise, no revelation, too much grok; I think you get the > point. > > I just got my husband to finally read "The Left Hand Of Darkness". > Took him a while to get into it, as it took me, but then he couldn't > put it down. > > How about this? > > Cicada music, > August's insect orchestra. > September crickets. > > Not that much different, but 5, 7, 5, and line one doesn't so > directly lead to line three. We are (somewhat) suddenly redirected > to the idea that the cicadas have brief lives (compared to us, > anyway), and that the music of the autumnal equinox will belong to > the crickets. (Your music may vary, depending on latitude, > hemisphere, and other climatic factors.) > > Yuki (never, ever, confused with Basho) > > Thursday, August 28, 2008, 5:05:50 PM, Brian wrote: > > b> How about this Yuki? > > b> Cicadas fall, > b> one by one, > > b> silence. >
