At 12:51 AM 6/11/01, Adam C. Lipscomb wrote:
>I am currently in the process of scrubbing my brain with a copper scouring
>pad.
>
>I just finished watching "Dungeons & Dragons". I'm not proud of that, but I
>(a) had a free rental coming to me at the video store and (b) needed a
>benchmark for when I watch "Battlefield Earth" later this summer.
>
>In the name of all the Dark Gods of the Universe, I never, ever, saw a movie
>this bad. Awful bad. Chair-throwing, popcorn spewing,
>makes-you-pound-your-fists-on-the-floor bad. So bad, I doubt Joel and the
>'Bots could make it watchable.
>
>The range of talent they got for this film is amazing, considering how
>bloody awful the script is. Halle Berry must have had a truck full of money
>backed up to her house, and I can only assume the producer is holding Jeremy
>Irons' family hostage. Granted, it is a step up in quality effects-wise for
>Tom Baker, but there is simply NO reason for Richard O'Brien to associate
>himself with this level of crap.
>
>And then there's Marlon Wayans... many people have complained about Jar Jar
>Binks from "SW: TPM". If you thought Jar Jar was an offensive character,
>don't slow down to see this aesthetic train wreck. Wayans makes Chicken
>George from "Gone With the Wind" look like Malcolm Frigging X. The
>character of "Snails" (no kidding) spends the entire movie grimacing,
>uttering sassy one-liners and screaming in wide-eyed panic.
>
>The lead, Justin Whalen, lacks only one thing to keep him from being a
>big-time move star. Charisma. If charisma was air, he'd be the Moon.
>Despite numerous loving caresses from the camera, Whalen manages to smirk
>his way out of earning any sympathy or liking.
>
>The dialogue is worse than the crap me and my friends came up with when we
>played D&D in high school, and we were smoking pot. There are plot holes
>big enough to drive an oil tanker through, and the finale left me hooting
>with laughter.
>
>All in all, I'd recommend this film if you're (1) desperate, (2)
>lobotomized, (3) doing penance or (4) out to throw away $3 that could be
>spent on some Drano to snort. I'd rather read Piers Anthony than watch this
>move again.
>
>Here's the best part, though:
>
>A sequel is being planned even as we speak. Why? Despite the fact that the
>movie *lost* millions of dollars in the States, our Dear Friends in Europe
>and Asia managed to help "Dungeons & Dragons" make a hefty profit.
>
>As far as I'm concerned, that nullifies *ANY* claims to moral or
>intellectual superiority.
Other than that, did you like it?
-- Ronn! :)
