I am currently in the process of scrubbing my brain with a copper scouring
pad.
I just finished watching "Dungeons & Dragons". I'm not proud of that, but I
(a) had a free rental coming to me at the video store and (b) needed a
benchmark for when I watch "Battlefield Earth" later this summer.
In the name of all the Dark Gods of the Universe, I never, ever, saw a movie
this bad. Awful bad. Chair-throwing, popcorn spewing,
makes-you-pound-your-fists-on-the-floor bad. So bad, I doubt Joel and the
'Bots could make it watchable.
The range of talent they got for this film is amazing, considering how
bloody awful the script is. Halle Berry must have had a truck full of money
backed up to her house, and I can only assume the producer is holding Jeremy
Irons' family hostage. Granted, it is a step up in quality effects-wise for
Tom Baker, but there is simply NO reason for Richard O'Brien to associate
himself with this level of crap.
And then there's Marlon Wayans... many people have complained about Jar Jar
Binks from "SW: TPM". If you thought Jar Jar was an offensive character,
don't slow down to see this aesthetic train wreck. Wayans makes Chicken
George from "Gone With the Wind" look like Malcolm Frigging X. The
character of "Snails" (no kidding) spends the entire movie grimacing,
uttering sassy one-liners and screaming in wide-eyed panic.
The lead, Justin Whalen, lacks only one thing to keep him from being a
big-time move star. Charisma. If charisma was air, he'd be the Moon.
Despite numerous loving caresses from the camera, Whalen manages to smirk
his way out of earning any sympathy or liking.
The dialogue is worse than the crap me and my friends came up with when we
played D&D in high school, and we were smoking pot. There are plot holes
big enough to drive an oil tanker through, and the finale left me hooting
with laughter.
All in all, I'd recommend this film if you're (1) desperate, (2)
lobotomized, (3) doing penance or (4) out to throw away $3 that could be
spent on some Drano to snort. I'd rather read Piers Anthony than watch this
move again.
Here's the best part, though:
A sequel is being planned even as we speak. Why? Despite the fact that the
movie *lost* millions of dollars in the States, our Dear Friends in Europe
and Asia managed to help "Dungeons & Dragons" make a hefty profit.
As far as I'm concerned, that nullifies *ANY* claims to moral or
intellectual superiority.
Adam C. Lipscomb
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
ICQ# 32384792
