As a man who went through a no holds barred divorce over twenty years ago and come out the other end with full custody of his child and no alimony payments, I feel qualified to chime in.
First, most men don't really fight for custody because they don't really want it. They make rumblings in the beginning of the proceedings, but almost always back down after a virtually meaningless concession is made. Every divorce attorney who knows the ropes understands this. As soon as the "sham" concession is made, the guy caves on custody. And the guy really knows it inside. He's no fool; he knows that when it comes time to court another female, that the kid will be just like a great big "No" sign pasted on his forehead. He knows that he won't just be able to pick up and go screw off anytime he wants to, take an adult-oriented vacation, go out for a night with the boys, etc. I don't know what it's like these days in your state, but when I divorced in Georgia 20+ years ago, joint custody was nothing more than a facade. Under joint custody, either parent could do whatever he or she wanted, regardless of any "agreements" struck between them. That's because joint custody wasn't "shared" custody; it meant that both parents had "full" custody of the child, so neither parent could be denied his or her rights to move, take the child anywhere at any time, etc. So perhaps you should ask yourself if you'd be willing to do the job as your child's parent *all by yourself, every moment of every day, sacrificing everything that has anything remotely to do with you and what you ever wanted for yourself,* because that's what the job is, and there's no going back, ever. And if you are ready for this, make no mistake about your wife or her attorney. She'll be as sweet as honey whenever she can, and you'll get reassurances from both her and her attorney about protecting what's important to you. It's all complete and utter bullshit. It's a con job, and you're the mark. And if you buy it, you graduate all the way up to moron. There's a swell graduation ceremony with cake and ice cream, and even balloons and a clown. Some guys even get a lovely ice sculpture at their ceremony. Nothing can possibly substitute for being there *physically with your children* when things go bump (or crash) in their lives. Words from someone hundreds of miles away mean nothing, no matter who is speaking. Basically, *in the child's opinion*, you're just someone who didn't care enough to fight for her, and in the kid's mind he or she will truly believe this, and the kid's perception is all that matters with respect to the actions they will take (or fail to take) in their lives. So if you're going to make the decision to sacrifice literally everything in your own life in favor of the quality of life for your child, then as Thomas said, do if now. And retain an attorney with a winning track record who would not only sell his first born child to win a case, he would sell the child *by the pound* to win a case. There is no substitute. I'm talking the lyingest, cheatingest, most disarmingly charming good-looking son of a bitching bastard that money will buy. I mean the kind of guy who literally cares nothing at all about you or your child, but who cares only for his own ego and the money you will pay him for winning full custody of your child -- *that* will be what truly drives him. An absolute mercenary who is so much of a coniving liar that he goes to temple or church yet has no faith, and only shows up to be seen by the right people. Basically, if you part his hair and find a "666" birthmark on his scalp, hire him on the spot. Your ex is the enemy. She is Mary bin Laden Hitler, she has committed Crimes Against Humanity, and she must be destroyed at all costs. And make no concessions to her whatsoever. If you can somehow leverage denying visitation rights, do so and hold it over her for everything it's worth. Your goal is a complete and unconditional surrender by an enemy that sought your complete destruction -- never forget that. Best of luck. Respectfully, Adam Phillip Churvis Certified Advanced ColdFusion MX 7 Developer BlueDragon Alliance Founding Committee Get advanced intensive Master-level training in C# & ASP.NET 2.0 for ColdFusion Developers at ProductivityEnhancement.com ----- Original Message ----- From: Thomas Newcomen To: CF-Community Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 4:53 AM Subject: Re: The hardest thing I have ever had to do The "isn't technology grand" argument is bullshit. A picture is worth a thousand words they say? What's a hug worth? IMO, your wife.. ex.. whatever you want to call her is selfish. god this pisses me the f*ck off, only because I went through it all. I spent /over/ $20,000 to make sure it didn't happen to me. My ex cried this bullshit argument (she's from the uk) when were separated. Wanted to take my son back to the UK with her.. but don't worry, I'll get to see him for... wait for it... 3 months out of the year while he's on summer break. Well isn't that absolutely effin grand? Oh and I would get to see him on the web cam daily.. and talk via phone and... and.. it's all bullshit. This thinking a child is better off with one parent than having access to both is bullshit, and at least the courts are finally starting to see that, as well. Unless you are an unfit parent... well then all bets are off.. If you can't take care of your kid.. or you abuse them.. then they are better off w/o you... until you get /your/ shit sorted. The way I see it, since you already let your wife leave with your child, you really have no other choice but to follow, that is if you want to be a fixture in your child's life.. to have /some/ say of how she is brought up. Call me an asshole, for saying it.. I don't care.. but I went through /all/ of this. I fought hard so that my ex could not leave the country to go to her "support system". What about the support system of the child.. isn't that made up of (starting with) the TWO of you? My ex would happily (and has on several occasions) admit that leaving would not have been in Talon's best interest. and ps, we get on great now. It took a while to get here.. but the situation is /so/ much better for our son. Sell your shit, pack your shit up and get moving. At this point in the "game" your ex is not your friend, she is looking out for herself. Oh she may think she is putting your daughters needs first, but that just ain't the truth. Her judgment is clouded. Go. Move. You have no choice now, unless you are going to fight to bring her back to where you are now. Your daughter needs both of you. i'm done. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| ColdFusion MX7 and Flex 2 Build sales & marketing dashboard RIAâs for your business. 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