Patti,
I know how you are feeling, but try not to desolve into guilt. What you MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER when doing rescues, is that each animal is a complete soul unto itself. While they are at the mercy of humans, they are not human infants. Nature has given them brains, intelligence and a will all their own. They ultimately make their own choices, and that is the way it is supposed to be.
Keep putting out the food. Don't try to trap her again....just treat the barn like its her home, if she chooses to, she will come back and make it a home. It could just take time.
A "feral" showed up at my parents home 2years ago. They've been adopted by two cats that have moved from their acutal home down the street and my parents feed, water, vet and house the twins- Tom & Jerry and have been for years (they are both indoor/outdoor cats- even tho Dad would rather they stay IN.) Anyway, about 1.5 yrs ago (shorting after the other cat they were feeding HissPuff - a true feral who chose their company, but never their touch had died -they started seeing an orange blob showin through the woods, just sitting looking at the house. Occasionally we would hear a "meow"...when Dad answered it, the cat would answer back. A few months later, he came closer and eventually was eating at the front stoop with T & J...or rather I should say, when they weren't around. He would fly whenever he saw Mom & Dad. A few more months passed and he'd stay in the bushes while the bowls were filled, and call to
them. His face was always crusted over, eyes looked like they bleed and the other cats would beat the sh*t out of him whenever they got the chance. Through the winter, Mom couldn't stand it as he would lay curled up and shivering against the basement windows, but wouldn't come near anyone. She decided to trap him and take him to the shelter, figuring death was better than suffering the elements. She rented the trap for 10 days. "Tabby" never showed his tail once. She returned the trap, he came back, she rented it again for five days, again, Tabby never showed, but Tom and Jerry continued to take turns spending the night in it!...(idiots!) I told Mom that he had chosen his own destiny, and if that was his decision, she had to respect it. She agreed. (Now, as I don't live at home, I had only seen Tabby 2 or 3 xs myself and everything I knew of him was relayed by Mom & Dad. Well my Quintapus died, and since Mom is worried
about becoming the "cat lady" of the neighborhood (she really isn't a cat person at all), I made a point of meeting Tabby face to face. I didn't try to touch him, but would sweet talk him from a distance, and he would rub against a rock or tree, roll over and stretch...answer back with his soft "meow". I decided he wasn't feral, just scared and told Dad so. (My father...the Cat Whispherer! Dad puts the cats out-at their choice -in the early evening, tells them to "be back by Ten!" and they are...go figure) I told Dad if he could work with Tabby, I'd take him. All my father ever needed in life was a Mission! SO, there sits my father for hours on end each evening after locking the twin terrors up, sweet talking the orange, puss-y, weeping bag of hair. Three months later, Tabby-Bear is basically a house cat now. His eyes look beautiful, Dad has threatened the twin-terrors with a supersoaker whenever they consider beating up on
him. And no, he won't become my cat, he's Dad's.
You just have to let them choose their own lives....like grown children, perhaps. You'll loose a few, but that's not on you. You'll win a few, and really you can't take credit for that either...its THEIR choice. Hang in there.
T
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----- Original Message -----
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED]Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 6:58 PMSubject: Need encouragement, PLEASEDear List,I am feeling VERY downtrodden & blue. I don't know what to do, where to turn. I FEEL SO OVER-RIDDEN w/ guilt, I can't stop crying.....It's a long story, I will try to condense.Kerry is a little familiar as she is also on the Four Paws Feral list, and also I have mentioned "Charity's" store on this list. (Although she is FELV-)Early in July, some cruel, a**hole dumped a box under my neighbor's bushes which contained a young Mama & 2, 5 week old kittens.Needless to say, since the box was NOT secure, Mama escaped, (apparently to try to find her way "HOME" to the low-lifes that dumped her! I can not, nor will I EVER be able to understand the love & dedication an innocent baby will demonstrate toward the sc*m that abused her!!!)Anyway, I took the babies in, since they needed to be bottle fed & would have died if left to the elements, or predators.Several days later, I noticed the poor, bedraggled Mama had made it back, looking for her babies, & was hanging out down by the barn.I immediately got a Hav-A-Heart trap, and had her in less than 10 minutes.She was dirty, starved...broke my heart.But, it did not break her spirit!!!On moving her from trap to crate, she somehow got hold of my hand & BIT me down to bone. OUCH!!But, how could I blame her??? Poor thing, dumped like garbage along w/ her babies.... No wonder she had NO trust of people.So, wound cleaned up, I transfered her to crate & made imm. arrangements for exam, vx's, testing & spay. I named her "Charity".She tested negative, YEAH!!! Rec'd vx.'s (all BUT FELV, the low cost clinic does NOT vx against Felv as part of their low cost program) & was spayed.I set her up in a large crate in barn, working daily w/ her to win her over.What an ordeal....it was almost comical at times. (Except for the times she nailed me!!)But, I did NOT give up and w/ advice & encouragement from several people exp. w/ ferals, I kept at it.I got several long, plumey feathers to stroke her with, and I SWEAR, she enjoyed the touch. Often, I would catch a glimpse of her w/ her head tilted back, eyes closed, could almost "hear" her saying, "Awwww, that feels mah-ve;lus Dah-ling, keep it up!"As the weeks, months passed, she'd venture to front of crate, just to sit & "observe" my every move". She was beginning to trust me at last......Finally, last week, she'd allow me to present her food, right to her as she "lounged" in her sherpa lined bed at the back of her "digs".She'd actually nibble as I still held bowl...Things were looking up for sure.There was NO MORE FEAR IN HER EYES!!! SHE TRUSTED ME! I HAD MADE A FRIEND!!!!!However, Wednesday evening, despite all as usual, she BOLTED out of the crate and made a bee-line for the small opening near the far end of the barn.... She literally SQUEEZED her small body thru the crack & was GONE!!!Immediately, I ran out, but there was NO sight of her!! I am sick!Now, she HAS been confined to barn area foer OVER a month, so I know she has a "feeling" it is "HOME".That nite, I left the door slightly ajar, along w/ food, water & her favorite ~ chicken.I then placed her bed next to the food.It has a godish~yellow corduroy cushion, which had just been laundered. (This was the cushion she had used when I first realized shw was seeking shelter in the barn. At that time there were tell-tale signs of grey hair.)Yesterday morning, I noticed that there were the tell-tale grey hairs on the cushion, the water had been sipped & the dry food was scattered a little over the placemat, as if she'd been nibbling. BUT THE CHICKEN HAD NOT been touched at all!!!Had she come back, ate, drank & napped and took off again???I scoured the neighborhood, speaking to neighbors, and strangers, put up signs, BUT NO ONE HAS SEEN HER!!Many look at me like I am crazy when I explain she is "feral". One even went so far as to tell me that she is 'better off" on the run!! (Oh, it is so hard to LIKE people!!!)I am sick!!! Did I let this girl down??? I did all I could....she was actually starting to TRUST ME!!OR, was she "playing me", just waiting for the right moment to escape???Any ideas, suggestions?Should I attempt to re-trap??? (BUT IT WAS SO,SO EVIDENT SHE HATED BEING CAGED, TRAPPED LIKE THAT!!!I live near a VERY busy road....So far, I have been too frightened to search the roads,,,Oh, what do I do?Please help.MY HEART IS BROKEN WITH GRIEF & GUILT.Patti
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