Lynne, I don't think you're alone in reacting the way you did at your mom's death. I'm sorry that she, and you, had to go through 5 years of that kind of hell. My mother died a few years ago, after 3 years in a nursing home, and at the end was so far from what she had been a few years before that we were probably both relieved. When the first cat I owned by myself, Saavik, died, I was sad but also a little relieved, since I had been worried, as she aged, about losing her and then it happened (acute renal failure, so not a lot of warning) and I cried, a lot (and still do sometimes when I think of her), but that part of it was over and I'd lived through it. My other cat was quite a bit younger, so I knew that barring calamity I wouldn't have to worry about THAT for a while again, and it was a relief. Now HE's getting up there, and there have been others in between, and it turns out you do get past the sadness. The same wonderful woman that Jane mentions, Nina, also brought me to this list with my stray Patches, and had a lot of wise words for me all through our ordeal together, which was actually only a matter of weeks. The circumstances of Patches' entering the lives of me and my housemate Gail were so odd that I do tend to believe Nina when she told me he'd been "sent" to us. It was 3 a.m. on the Sunday before July 4, which was on a Tuesday that year. I just happened to be awake at that outlandish hour, and noticed one of my cats howling at something outside. I went to the enclosed porch to investigate, and there was this big disheveled boy demanding attention! So we brought him in, and got him cleaned up and de-matted -- he had mats so huge they were like big angel wings, and must have been hurting him terribly. I think now that he came to us because we would clean him up, make him comfortable and love him for the little time it turned out he had. I don't think we'd have been great FeLV mommies in the long run -- with the supplements and the vet visits and the top-of-line food, and we had 4 other cats we'd have had to have vaccinated regularly and our resources are okay but not endless -- but he didn't need us in the long run. We beat ourselves up considerably that we weren't able to save him by the sheer force of our will, but possibly that was Patches' lesson to us, that you can't, always. ;-) Diane
________________________________ From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Lynne Sent: Friday, February 15, 2008 7:13 AM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: Re: for Lynne - good stories This may be very true Jane. On the other hand it has crossed my mind that I personally am being taught some kind of lesson about the need to be sad. My mom passed away last year after a horrible 5 years of Alzheimer's. The final two years she was in a nursing home and the deterioration over that period of time was dramatic, to the point that one day when I went to visit her I walked right past her because she looked nothing like my mom. The night she died, my sister, brother and I stayed until her last breath. My siblings broke down crying but not me. I believe I made a sigh of relief and I have never shed a tear over her passing. I think it's because I had to be responsible for her care and I know I did all I could. The other two did little for her. I hope that when BooBoo's time comes I can let go as easily as I did with my mom but I doubt it. With these little guys we have to make the decisions about when they go. I won't let him suffer but it will be hard. We held our big Chuckie when he had to be euthanized, drove him home in the middle of the night and buried him in the pouring rain. That was 20 years ago and I still choke up when I think of him. Lynne ----- Original Message ----- From: Jane Lyons <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2008 10:19 PM Subject: Re: for Lynne - good stories Great Lynne ...that would be wonderful. You've found a good vet! Not too long ago, when I was as 'shell shocked' as you are now, a woman (Nina) who was on this list told me that it is her belief that these Felv kitties are often 'sent' to us to teach us how to let go of our fear of loss, and how to live as they do, in the moment. I've found it to be so true. I hope with some time, you'll feel that way about BooBoo. It will get better. 0It sounds as though you and your husband are going to give him every thing you can to fight this battle. He's so lucky to have found you. Jane On Feb 14, 2008, at 8:30 PM, Lynne wrote: Jane, I think that's a wonderful idea. I was telling our vet about "the good stories" tonight and he was very interested. We've determined this is a really terrific guy we've found. He's attempting to adopt out a just diagnosed FelV cat because as he confided to us tonight, he just loves this cat and doesn't want to see her put down. Like I mentioned, if that is what the owners decide to do, we've told him we will take her. Lynne ----- Original Message ----- From: Jane Lyons <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org <mailto:felvtalk@felineleukemia.org> Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2008 8:05 PM Subject: Re: for Lynne - good stories I've just printed out a bunch of copies of "the good stories". I'm going to give them to my vet when I stop in to get DMG tomorrow. Vets should have hopeful stories to share with clients who were as devastated as we all were. Thanks again, Kerry. It was so good of you to put these together. Jane On Feb 14, 2008, at 11:49 AM, [EMAIL PROTECTED] <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: Kerry, Thanks for adding the stories as I remember them when I joined many moons ago. It is refreshing to see this again. Still say that when the cure or vaccine to help the kitties I will eat a piece of Cheesecake as part of celebrating. (I can't stand the stuff...yuck) But will do it for the ones we have lost and for the current ones battling this horrible disease. The day will come when a cure will happen but not soon enough for me. Bless all of you of caring and loving your Felv kitties! 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