What Are Grits
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are
harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around
them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white
corn.
These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as
good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests
that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites
during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics
disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and
red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish
his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It
takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit
mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed
guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation,
and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can
continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that
having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of
Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are
Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also
been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the
Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard
from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during
this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from
the public due to their rarity.
The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city
of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum
Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
* Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
* Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
* Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is
blasphemy .
* Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
* Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for
thy Grits.
* Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
* Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
* Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
* Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from
scratch.
* Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 TBsp of
Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all
there is to cooking grits.(Some folks like their's soupy and that's OK)
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done
and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on
grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous
portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat
butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of
yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if
the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your
grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your
biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the
real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1
Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat
Grits.. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the
tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use
cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think
its Cream of Wheat!
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits: (Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of
cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This
is, of course, unacceptable.
TRADITIONAL BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits,
May no Damnyankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN
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