I responded to Marcel's post regarding Enemy at the Gates - in which I
con cur 100% with him on that movie - and then discovered that we have
more problems in the list.
Respectfully, I submit for consideration that we as a community are
getting to a place where we shouldn't be.
Have any two people disagreed more and said so in no uncertain terms
than Marcel and I? I can remember a time, back in 1998, when we just
ripped into each other in ways that are painful to remember now. And
while Marcel and I have never met, we have become fast friends. Each of
us thinks the other is ignorant (criminally insane) on political
matters, but we unite on Joni, and music, and having made enough other
connections to know how to take each other.
There was a time in 1999 that I was so disturbed by some people that I
decided to quit. I vented my little fingers off to Catherine of Aragon
(her name then) and Bob Muller. They both said sit tight, lurk, let
things be. And they were right. I did what they said.
Words don't always mean the same things to each of us. When I was
running for County Clerk last fall, I was going to run an ad that said
"My opponent is more perky than me, but dull as I am, I am just as
qualified for the position." Now, perky to me is Kathy Gifford, all
happy and smiling and pretty and is NOT a put down, it is a compliment
for a person of accomplishment who has an upbeat personality. As I
previewed the ads with others, I found out some people thought it was a
put down, implying that she was a dumb blonde. Even more, for some
folks in the area, perky was high school slang for a teen aged girl who
was generous with her affections with a variety of hormonal crazed teen
age boys. In other words, my ad was calling her a slut, not because I
meant to say that, but because it would be interpretted as such by some
people.
I yanked the ad, thank God, in time. What I would have said wasn't the
problem, it was what other people thought my words meant.
The word bimbo to me connected to a performance by an accomplished
actor, Julia Roberts, who had weeks to plan her acceptance, did not mean
to me what it meant to others. It implies being spacey, and yes, she
was. I was neither as fond of her speech or put off my it as others,
although I I was really pulling for her to win. I don't Marcel was
calling her anything bad. He is not that subtle.
We come from many parts of the country and world with many different
grasps of the English language. The very words are not always
possessing the same meaning. You know that when the play Grease moved
from Chicago to New York they had to rewrite it because Chicago lingo
and NY lingo aren't the same, it didn't translate? So can we consider
that maybe someone doesn't mean what we think they mean?
Yes, we have had out and out sarcastic posts. Yes they hurt. We have
had name calling. Bob Muller and I were talking off list about that
last week. They have always been a part of this list. Anyone who
remembers the flame wars about Columbine and other fun issues in years
past...
I have posted to people off list and said, knock it off, or, don't let
it get to you.
I have been a victim of nasty comment and received private emails saying
don't let my boat get rocked, for which I have grateful.
I've also seen what were obviously attempts at humor being understood as
deadly serious. I think the original post that got this thing going
this time was a very funny parody of past threads, and it gotten taken
seriously. We miss the tone of voice, the look on the speaker's face,
so we miss the intent, the tone, the implication of so many things, so I
think we have to give people benefit of the doubt.
Get mad and want to quit, the vent madly to a couple of people and lurk
a while. Or ignore it. Or speak to it. And be ready to give all
others here future opportunities for developing relationships.
I feel that we are raising the temperature and not always being cool
when we don't let things slide that we can let slide, or don't let slide
those things that maybe didn't mean what we thought they did. And
sometimes, like my super cheap Aunt Ella, you gotta take things as
humorous eccentricities and leave it at that and love all the same. It
is always hard.
Take the words you say in the next week to your family. Are they all
loving and sweet, or do we filter things and let them slide. Do we
ourselves say things to our family that if printed out in the
emotionless coldness of cyber speech would make us cringe?
I have gone on way way way too long. A group that embraces Cassy as she
shares her health issues, and Mags and Brain in his crisis, and Anne
last year in hers, this is a community that anyone can leave? Maybe we
need to say, as we do of our children, these people are driving me mad,
but there's no one I'd rather drive with, be with. For all the
friendships, all the real acts of love and caring and generousity that
take place in the JMDL, why can't we look at all these things through
those prism? Let's remember the love that we have for each other here
and let that be our guide.
Should this community be better? In a perfect world, Joni would always
be at the top of the charts. We gotta take it as it is.
Now I will be quiet in the JMDL for I have said what I wanted to say,
albeit not well. I know a good 50-100 people will never read it because
it is Vince going on forever, writing another sermon. Some will delete
because they never read what I write. Some will skim and save for a
later day that never comes.
So for those who have borne with me: Ashara, Kakki, everyone, when
someone says something to upset you, follow the healing technique
developed by the Rev Matthew Sorsensen and myself when we were both in
seminary. When confronted by statements that we thought were
mean-spirited, wrong-headed, mean, we would repeat the statement in our
mind and thinh, "They are assholes and I am not" and comforted by that,
with a little laugh in our hearts, we just took things for what they
were worth rather than be consumed by them.
Offered with love,
(the Rev) Vince
