Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
In Melbourne (Australia) one of the radio stations paid money,
($100-500), for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This
morning's one netted the proud owner $300.
As the lady said...
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when
early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been
rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The
trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes so I didn't
have any time to spare.
As most women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able
to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my nightgown,
wet a washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the
sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw
the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the
car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii
or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little
surprised when he said, "My.. we have taken a little extra effort this
morning haven't we?", but I didn't respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning, the evening meal,
etc. At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to
her school play, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's
my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink - It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it".
--
Kathy E
----------------
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he
snips
away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty
city
full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting
there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their
flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you
staying in
Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms
are
small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha
doing
when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the
Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to
see
him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're
going
to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says,
"Well, how
did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of
your
life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in
one
of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to
first
class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year
old
flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling.
It's
the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized
and
gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard
tapped
me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some
of the
visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and
wait,
the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the
Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a
few
words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"
------------
Truisms:
"Have a nice day!" - 'Thank you, but I have other plans.'
"Meow" ...splat... "Aarf" ...splat... (raining cats and dogs)
"You want to be buried or cremated?" "Surprise me."
(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight
Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand
---------
The Top 15 Signs Your Dog Has a Problem With Alcohol
15> Wakes up looking for a little hair o' the human who bit him.
14> Won't go near that darn chuck wagon, but when the bar cart
rolls through, he's off like a shot.
13> Lately, you've noticed that he'll even hump a really UGLY leg.
12> No matter what you throw for him to fetch, always returns
with a bottle of Cuervo and a lime.
11> Chases pink elephants around the yard instead of squirrels.
10> The only game she'll play with you is "Quarters."
9> Spends more time hugging the toilet bowl than actually
slurping from it.
8> Sells house, moves to Vegas, shacks up with beautiful hooker.
7> Justifies quantities consumed by reasoning that they are in
"dog beers."
6> When he hikes his leg at the fireplug he keeps falling over
backwards.
5> Won't drink out of the toilet unless there's an olive in it.
4> Just signed to do a remake of "Old Yeller" with Kelsey
Grammer and Robert Downey, Jr.
3> After a few too many at the office party, tries to pick up
the boss's bitch.
2> "Ri *ruv* you, man!!"
and the Number 1 Sign Your Dog Has a Problem With Alcohol...
1> He used to bark -- now he just belches the chorus to
"Louie, Louie."
---------
YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:
1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police
officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which
ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but
is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks
knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd
tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy
smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on
back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five
old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop
for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you
have gained weight or quit taking care of youself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one
screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and
drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves
across the street
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but
you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go
two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track
field)
-------
Ways to Get Thrown out of Chemistry
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on
describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says
exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about
to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest
in federal buildings.
-------
Happy First Day Of Spring!
And Gawd, if you live anywhere in the midwest like I do, it sure
as hell ain't much of a spring day, is it? Damned Ohio. I swear
we only have two seasons: winter and the Fourth of July. Last
nite we went by a factory and there were a couple of
smokestacks. My youngest asked me if the smokestacks
created clouds. I told her "no, the state of *Ohio* itself creates
clouds for the whole world." Ahhh, just the "winter won't end"
blues . . .
Chase Manhattan, the nation's largest bank, said it would cut
about 4,500 jobs. Among those to be cut are many of the
people that made Chase what it is today: the person who can't
tell you what your balance is, the person who improperly
credits your mortgage payment, and the person who is snotty
to you about a loan request.
In California, a school bus driver pulled a knife on the children
and threatened to "cut their ears off" if they did not quiet down,
police said Tuesday. I believe these kids attend Jerry Spinger
Junior High.
The Queen is considering an end to bows and curtsies as a
part of her effor to make the Monarchy a little less formal. The
Queen will also add an "I get knocked down, but I get up again"
verse of her own to the "Tubthumping" video to help loosen up
her image.
WHY pay $30 for a new inkjet cartridge, when you can refill
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Bulk Inks Open Monday - Saturday, 9AM to 9PM, EST
Mention Joke-A-Day and save $5 on shipping/handling
More info: http://www.oddparts.com/ink
President Clinton said yesterday that if it weren't for the 22nd
Amendment, he'd run for a third term. Mr. President, here's a
suggestion: try working on the Commandments first, before you
start complaining about the Amendments.
Edwin J. Shoemaker, the man who co-founded the La-Z-Boy
Furniture Company, died Sunday or as he would have called it
"returned to his full reclining and permanently locked position."
You know, some www site owners build their daily audience
through great content. Others offer invaluable services. Still
others provide great bargains. I build my audience the old
fashioned way: I *buy* 'em. :) Yes, I'm shamelessly trying
to get you to visit our www site next week and you'll win
a FORTUNE! (Well, ok, $200, but still -- that buys a couple
of hamburgers, y'know?) Details? Heh, you have to GO to the
site to get 'em. http://www.jokeaday.com
In honor of St. Patrick's Day, the White House announced that
President Clinton would change his line from "I have wanted to
do this since I first laid eyes on you," to the more economical
"You may kiss the Blarney Stone."
USA Networks will buy Ticketmaster for $400 million. They won
the right to purchase the company by waiting in line all day,
getting a bracelet, paying a service fee of 10% of the purchase
price, then getting a seat on the Corporate Board where they
can't really see anything.
-----------
To: Help Desk
Subject: WINDOWS PROBLEM
I'm wondering if anybody can help me with a problem I'm having
on my computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from
Windows 3.14159, and I've noticed that whenever I'm running
WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in
conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version 4.2.4.3.7857, everything works
fine for about the first 25 minutes, but then if I try to type
the passive pluperfect subjunctive form of the verb "procreate"
(or any of its slang equivalents) the keyboard locks up permanently
and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and all current data
is erased, including data in computers several cubicles away.
I have tried everything, including reformatting my hard drive and
exorcism. Please help!!!
REPLY TO: WINDOWS PROBLEM
I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I
found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel,
then on Command Center, then on Reset Variables,
then on Establish New Parameters, then on Define Standards,
then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate Paradigms,
then on the little icon labeled "Do Not Ever Click On This Little Icon"
then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type in 2038,
you will still have the same problem.
This is why my doctor tripled my Prozac dosage.
--------
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together
at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into
Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the
ship
that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The
teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let
him
through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a
little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for
him,
the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500."
"That's
right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
---------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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